It’s time
4 months ago
6/30/2006
It's almost the 4th of July which is a pretty fun holiday here in the states. Mostly it means picnics and fireworks, days off work, and relaxation. I remember when I was a kid my dad would have this bonfire party every year where all my relatives and friends would come. My dad would make the hike to Missouri or Indiana to buy a load of fireworks since it's illegal to sell them in Illinois, and he'd put on the most fab fireworks show. It's funny when I think back to all those parties and what I remember the most are the 'almost disasters' that somehow seemed funny at the time but now that I'm older seem more pathetic since most were due to my father being inebriated. I didn't realize it back then, or maybe I did but I didn't know what to make of it, but alcohol always played a huge part in every holiday party or event we had. Although my mom wasn't an alcoholic I still remember her being falling down drunk as she tried to drown out the reality of being married to my dad. It's almost like a chain reaction isn't it? Miserable = addiction. We're miserable or in pain so we find something to focus all our energy on. Alcohol, drugs, sex, crime, violence. I used to think I escaped the chain reaction but looking back I realize I had my own addiction - I was a codependant. I still have to fight myself sometimes to keep me from falling back into that old pattern but I suppose that's what having an addiction means. It's never fully gone or erased rather it's controlled. Isn't it strange that it always comes down to control? We fall into addictions because we think we're gaining control when in reality we're really surrendering it.
Anyway...I somehow got sidetracked because as I started this post planning to talk about those great 4th of July parties I realized...they really weren't so great after all. It kind of sucks when that moment happens when you discover you've been 'stuffing' or 'pretending' life really was something other than what it was. I suppose that's all part of healing though isn't it? And just when I thought I could take off the band-aid....well I guess that means I still have more work to do. Sometimes I think it's going to take me a lifetime - good thing I'm learning to be patient.
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hmmmmm...
We have Canada Day tomorrow.
Patience make such a difference in life.It helps to stop me from rushing.
Me....after NYC tomorrow I think I'm taking the girls to an amusement park on Monday and a very simple 4th here. Though I probably will travel downtown for the Boston Pops and Fireworks.
I see you,
JJ
Stay safe.....
We're hanging out with family---this is a good thing and a bad thing...as you know.
the good news is NWC you and Alice and Sig other and baby on the way dont have to live like that :)
have a great 4th and make good memories for you and Alice and sig other and baby to be :)
the good news is NWC you and Alice and Sig other and baby on the way dont have to live like that :)
have a great 4th and make good memories for you and Alice and sig other and baby to be :)
Remember that post you wrote about your daughter holding your father's hand and how it moved you? Read it again, you'll feel better!
Fitèna
I have some wonderful program friends out there-- its taught me to surrender and not have to fight so hard--
but yeah, I went to a party Sat with drinking , fireworks and lots and lots of children. I was both horrified and detached--sure was scarey to see the irresponsible lighting of the works--
of course it was my son who was burnt that night...
love you fellow Capp