6/30/2006

when I remembered

It's almost the 4th of July which is a pretty fun holiday here in the states. Mostly it means picnics and fireworks, days off work, and relaxation. I remember when I was a kid my dad would have this bonfire party every year where all my relatives and friends would come. My dad would make the hike to Missouri or Indiana to buy a load of fireworks since it's illegal to sell them in Illinois, and he'd put on the most fab fireworks show. It's funny when I think back to all those parties and what I remember the most are the 'almost disasters' that somehow seemed funny at the time but now that I'm older seem more pathetic since most were due to my father being inebriated. I didn't realize it back then, or maybe I did but I didn't know what to make of it, but alcohol always played a huge part in every holiday party or event we had. Although my mom wasn't an alcoholic I still remember her being falling down drunk as she tried to drown out the reality of being married to my dad. It's almost like a chain reaction isn't it? Miserable = addiction. We're miserable or in pain so we find something to focus all our energy on. Alcohol, drugs, sex, crime, violence. I used to think I escaped the chain reaction but looking back I realize I had my own addiction - I was a codependant. I still have to fight myself sometimes to keep me from falling back into that old pattern but I suppose that's what having an addiction means. It's never fully gone or erased rather it's controlled. Isn't it strange that it always comes down to control? We fall into addictions because we think we're gaining control when in reality we're really surrendering it.

Anyway...I somehow got sidetracked because as I started this post planning to talk about those great 4th of July parties I realized...they really weren't so great after all. It kind of sucks when that moment happens when you discover you've been 'stuffing' or 'pretending' life really was something other than what it was. I suppose that's all part of healing though isn't it? And just when I thought I could take off the band-aid....well I guess that means I still have more work to do. Sometimes I think it's going to take me a lifetime - good thing I'm learning to be patient.

14 Comments:

  1. Tab said...
    I have been to some kick ass parties for the July 4th celebrations with my american friends.Haven't since I cleaned up my party habits though,
    hmmmmm...
    We have Canada Day tomorrow.

    Patience make such a difference in life.It helps to stop me from rushing.
    Caterpillar said...
    I hope you, your new hubby, and Alice all have a wonderful 4th of July! You can start making new memories of happy and healthy holidays!
    bornfool said...
    More work to do? Yeah, me too. Lots more. Happy 4th, my friend.
    lash505 said...
    I will stay close to my home group this weekend. I use to drink hard on the fourth of july.
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    Have a great 4th NWC. Have hubby kiss belly for me unless you can do that and if you can do that well you are one flexable person.
    Me....after NYC tomorrow I think I'm taking the girls to an amusement park on Monday and a very simple 4th here. Though I probably will travel downtown for the Boston Pops and Fireworks.
    I see you,
    JJ
    WDKY said...
    I'm echoing what my beautiful Cat said. Have a great one, all of you, and don't lift anything heavy!
    kimmyk said...
    Have a great weekend NWC....

    Stay safe.....

    We're hanging out with family---this is a good thing and a bad thing...as you know.
    Rex said...
    HAVE A wonderful weekend and be safe.
    Shannon said...
    well I can relate to it all, especially when you thought the stuff was funny back then, but now more grown and mature and (sober) realise, hmmm that was really kinda dangerous and we all could of died!!!
    the good news is NWC you and Alice and Sig other and baby on the way dont have to live like that :)
    have a great 4th and make good memories for you and Alice and sig other and baby to be :)
    Shannon said...
    well I can relate to it all, especially when you thought the stuff was funny back then, but now more grown and mature and (sober) realise, hmmm that was really kinda dangerous and we all could of died!!!
    the good news is NWC you and Alice and Sig other and baby on the way dont have to live like that :)
    have a great 4th and make good memories for you and Alice and sig other and baby to be :)
    Fitèna said...
    Net, have a Happy 4th of July!
    Remember that post you wrote about your daughter holding your father's hand and how it moved you? Read it again, you'll feel better!

    Fitèna
    Southern Sweetheart said...
    I hope you and your family had a wonderful 4th making new memories that will be the start of many to come.
    Christine said...
    you do know Alanon has a seat open for you don't you?

    I have some wonderful program friends out there-- its taught me to surrender and not have to fight so hard--

    but yeah, I went to a party Sat with drinking , fireworks and lots and lots of children. I was both horrified and detached--sure was scarey to see the irresponsible lighting of the works--
    of course it was my son who was burnt that night...

    love you fellow Capp
    NML said...
    I hope you, your husband, Alice and baby#2 had a lovely july 4th. Once you know what you're dealing with it's half the battle. It's when you have an addiction and do nothing about it or don't even acknowledge that it exists. You are more personally aware than you have ever been and you're taking control of your own destiny and happiness :-)

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