6/21/2006

when I knew it all

When I was 27 my whole outlook on life changed. I remember thinking at 21 that the things I believed to be true were exactly what I'd believe for the rest of my life. I got married when I was 23 to the man I thought I'd love forever...well actually I do still love him but I'm not married to him anymore. I thought I was seasoned, 2 years past my 'official' birthday of becoming an adult, I knew everything I needed to know for the remainder of my life. I knew that I wanted to be a writer, I knew that I wanted a big house with a nice car and two cats and one dog. I knew that I'd have children when I was 27 and they'd be beautiful and they'd love me unconditionally. I knew that my parents would live forever and that some day my dad would realize he was an alcoholic and he'd apologize for all the pain he put me through in my childhood. When I was 23 I believed in things that I thought mattered. It's amazing how something can seem so significant at one stage in your life and at another fall clumsily to the lowest priority on your list. I remember people telling me that getting married at 23 was too young because I'd change, things would look different in a few years, life really had just begun and I needed to live it for awhile before making such a life long commitment. I ignored those people because I knew what I needed to know, I was grown up. At 27 I realized how ignorant I really was. When once I believed that love was enough to survive on, I now slowly realized that love is really only the consolation prize. Love can bring you to a certain place but it cannot keep you there. I had no tools to build the foundation that I needed to make my marriage survive so at 28 I got divorced. I remember on the day that I signed the papers to end my marriage feeling like a failure. I was convinced I was doomed to repeat my parents history and that my own future was already mapped out by the mistakes of my past. For a long time I believed I would never get married again because no one would ever love me enough, have enough faith in me, or want me to be their forever. I chased away so many men fearing that if I didn't break their heart first, my own heart would be the casualty. And then one night I sat in a smoky bar watching a man I deemed a 'good friend' play the guitar. My heart fluttered, my stomach flip flopped, and everything I knew, everything I believed - changed again. It wasn't an easy road to get here to this place I am now but as I finally let out the breath I've been holding for so many years, I can breath more easily. I'm going to get married in 3 more days. I'm going to have faith in someone, in something...that I stopped believing in so long ago.

I'm 38 now. Ten years after realizing that everything I thought I knew was really not much at all, I realize that not having all the answers is what keeps you humble. It's what keeps you real.

14 Comments:

  1. Lex-Sunshine said...
    WOW!!! That's a lot of growth in 10 years. Congradulations and best wishes on your upcoming marriage. Your new family will be in my prayers.
    Caterpillar said...
    Oh I'm so happy and excited for you! 3 more days! I was wondering what your plans were and when the wedding would be! I'm so happy for your whole family.

    I love reading things that you have learned. You have such a way with explaining them, and I really believe that your wisdom helps me to see things also. Thank you for that.
    Just Some Gal said...
    3 days??

    Reading this NWC is a reminder to me that life does change for the better, I just have to take those steps to free myself.

    Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us on your blog. Many times I read your blog I feel as if it is part of my own heart being read to me.

    *kisses*

    I am so happy for you babe.
    Vickie said...
    Yay. How exciting!!! Have a fabulous journey hon.

    I saw your comment on Keda's blog and really liked it. I was not sure how I felt about making public the details of sex offenders but you've made it so much clearer on how it works in the states in a good way.

    Thanks for sharing!
    Michelle said...
    Best wishes on the up coming wedding and the new family.

    You do have a wonderful way with words and I do so enjoy reading your posts.
    e.e. said...
    Oh, so quick it came up! Yay!

    I hope the day is fabulous. You give me hope everytime I come here and touch base... it seems to put things in perspective for me.
    Hope for 'true' love, or even an equal love... and hope that I can see the peace in my heart and have faith in myself more often.
    We all need that.
    And funny, how it might work both ways sometimes, how you come to see me and read me and seek the same thing.
    Now that I have just turned 40 and think I 'know it all,' only to realize it is all so different every day.
    I send warm thoughts from Boston... a toast to you and yours.
    kimmyk said...
    WOW NWC!!!

    Congrats and best wishes to you and your soon to be hubby. How exciting. I bet your little girl is so excited huh? Very cool!
    Southern Sweetheart said...
    Hi... New here, but wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed reading this post. It's a nice gentle reminder to me that it's not too late and that I haven't learned all I need to just yet to make that committment..... Congratulations on your wedding. I wish you much happiness!!
    oregoncelticlady said...
    I don't think I want all the answers...it would be sucha burden and so predictable. :-)
    Happy, bright Solstice! Partake in naked dancing!
    keda said...
    i do so love coming here to read your words darling.

    i love how you think so deaply and write from the heart. it is a wonderful journey we are all on isn't it?!

    i'm so glad you've come to here. and i am so happy that in 3 days you will open yourself to the day again. because you are always so open you have reached this moment and this place.

    good for you babe! and may the day be all you desire. i have a huge smile on my face now. that doesnt go. :)
    you are fabulous honey.
    sirreene said...
    What wonderful news! Best wishes for a most joyous future on this new part of your family journey!
    lash505 said...
    hey I can't post on the above post..
    Christine said...
    I wore a button for 5 years after my divorce that said " I'd rather be happy than married"

    This is my third marriage--its been five years soon that we are married--I'm so grateful my nevers didn't come true and that I was open and willing to change my mind about what I could have, what I deserved--

    and i'm happy for you too! Now,, when's the wedding?
    Christine said...
    you'll post pictures won't you??!!

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