Some Words...

I'm back...and kind of exhausted. Why is it that when you take a few days off you need a few more just to recover? Anyway, I spent some time visiting with some relatives that I don't see very often and it was pleasant except the part where I found out my cousin's husband of 3 years quit his job and is now selling everything in their house to get money for drugs. I wish I could say that I'm surprised but I'm not. He's been an alcoholic ever since I knew him and my cousin has constantly made excuses for him, promising that his promises of change will actually happen. But now, his promises to be something she wanted him to be have turned into wishful thoughts on her part. I'm not sure how he made the transition from alcohol to crack but whatever road he took to get there, it appears it was a seamless journey.

So my 4th of July weekend which I'd hoped would be drastically different from the ones I'd experienced as a child turned out not to be so different after all. As we sat around chatting about how we wanted the future to be, the past lingered heavily underneath a blanket of denial. Christine told me I should try Alanon and I think I might because no matter how hard I try to accept what was, what is, I still harbor unbelievable feelings of resentment and anger. For as much as I've learned on this journey I'm on, I realize there is still a wealth of knowledge waiting to be discovered. I swear, sometimes my brain feels as if it's at maximum capacity but it's the times that I sit and listen to someone else's heartache that my own memories come bubbling to the surface. Why can't we just forget and move on? Damn, life would be so much simpler if that were possible wouldn't it?

This holiday was about independence but I've been thinking about what that word really means. I used to think it meant being able to stand on my own without needing anyone because needing someone made you weak. I'm learning that it's not the needing that makes you weak, it's the unwillingness to accept help. My cousin is at that point right now where she will not accept help from anyone either out of fear or out of denial. There is a part of me that wants to reach out and hold her up but I know that even if I was strong enough to do that, she'd still fall the moment I loosened my grip. Maybe we all have to fall....so we learn how to get back up.

I hope you all had a fab weekend...and in two more days it's starts again.