7/06/2006

Independence

I'm back...and kind of exhausted. Why is it that when you take a few days off you need a few more just to recover? Anyway, I spent some time visiting with some relatives that I don't see very often and it was pleasant except the part where I found out my cousin's husband of 3 years quit his job and is now selling everything in their house to get money for drugs. I wish I could say that I'm surprised but I'm not. He's been an alcoholic ever since I knew him and my cousin has constantly made excuses for him, promising that his promises of change will actually happen. But now, his promises to be something she wanted him to be have turned into wishful thoughts on her part. I'm not sure how he made the transition from alcohol to crack but whatever road he took to get there, it appears it was a seamless journey.

So my 4th of July weekend which I'd hoped would be drastically different from the ones I'd experienced as a child turned out not to be so different after all. As we sat around chatting about how we wanted the future to be, the past lingered heavily underneath a blanket of denial. Christine told me I should try Alanon and I think I might because no matter how hard I try to accept what was, what is, I still harbor unbelievable feelings of resentment and anger. For as much as I've learned on this journey I'm on, I realize there is still a wealth of knowledge waiting to be discovered. I swear, sometimes my brain feels as if it's at maximum capacity but it's the times that I sit and listen to someone else's heartache that my own memories come bubbling to the surface. Why can't we just forget and move on? Damn, life would be so much simpler if that were possible wouldn't it?

This holiday was about independence but I've been thinking about what that word really means. I used to think it meant being able to stand on my own without needing anyone because needing someone made you weak. I'm learning that it's not the needing that makes you weak, it's the unwillingness to accept help. My cousin is at that point right now where she will not accept help from anyone either out of fear or out of denial. There is a part of me that wants to reach out and hold her up but I know that even if I was strong enough to do that, she'd still fall the moment I loosened my grip. Maybe we all have to fall....so we learn how to get back up.

I hope you all had a fab weekend...and in two more days it's starts again.

8 Comments:

  1. Michelle said...
    We need not forget the heartache that we experience in our lives, but to use that to grow and be stronger.
    And I agree with you, your cousin has to fall so she can learn from that and get back up and stat over. But it would not hurt to be there for her to help guide her. There is strength in numbers.
    Christine said...
    I have names and numbers for you when you are ready to get started
    uzdtabwild@hotmail.com is my email

    I just had the thought that it could be uzdtab miserable!

    Oh and your cousin--it could work for her too

    Its there for when we hit our emotional bottom--like those who find their way to AA--they have to hit a bottom and then we hopefully become willing

    And NWC, we have to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first or we can't help anyone else

    I love you

    And ego maniac that I am---you used my name in your post!!!!
    Shannon said...
    I am sorry you didnt have a better 4th of july as far as fun goes
    but sounds like you came to some good realizations...
    hope all is well today :)
    NML said...
    She definitely needs to fall - you just need to be there to soothe the bruises and help put her back together. Until you hit bottom or close to it, you can't rise back up. Welcome back :-)
    bornfool said...
    "I'm learning that it's not the needing that makes you weak, it's the unwillingness to accept help."

    Wise words there and something I'm just coming to grips with.
    WDKY said...
    Such a perceptive post, darling. And so brave in your acknowledgement of the path you need, or want, to take. You're an amazing woman.
    Tab said...
    Independence.
    It took me forever to understand it.
    Now, it means to me,I am on my own path..I take of me..others on thier own path..they take care of themselves..eventually we all learn to be independent enough that we can be available to help others when they become independent and realize it is okay to ask for help too.
    thanks for sharing Net..!
    sirreene said...
    Don't ever give up on someone. You don't give up on a cancer victim. You don't say let them find their bottom....this is a disease the same as that. People with addictions need help and love. Don't let them die. They are NOT lost causes.

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