12/01/2005

between two hearts


I'm not sure why or how I came to this belief, but I tend to believe that men don't suffer heartaches the same as women. Maybe it's because I've been on the recipient end of those heartaches too many times and the one responsible is always a man. I realize that's probably a narrow minded view but most times we develop opinions based on our own experiences. I've known men who have gotten dumped but I rarely see them locked up in their apartment, eating a quart of Ben & Jerry's, and swearing off women for the rest of their life. Men seem to bounce back faster. Why? Why can a man stuff all his feelings deep down inside without fear that one day they'll pop back up and cause a whole world of hurt? Why can a man move on to another woman within moments of being with the last? I'm not saying women can't do that, just that men do it more easily. Do men carry loads of baggage from their last relationship into the next? Or is their baggage just disguised as something more subtle? I know there are men that exist that have had their hearts ripped from their chest but why are they fewer and far between? If you want to find a woman with a broken heart - look to your left and I'm sure you'll see one. Why? Is it true that we love differently? Do men ever cry themselves to sleep? Do they look through old photos, read old emails, listen to sappy love songs, talk endlessly about their loss with their friends? Or do they wake up, wash their face - and go on? Why do women find it so incredibly hard to move on? Why can a man just stop calling, stop emailing, stop - everything when a woman has to leave one more voice mail, send one more email, drive by his house one more time? Are we weaker, more vulnerable, more fragile? I broke a man's heart once and it damn near killed me. When they break our hearts, do they suffer? How long? Because when I broke his heart I felt the pain of his heart cracking in two for....well, I still feel it. Do they feel it - forever? If love can't last forever, can pain?

35 Comments:

  1. k o w said...
    I honestly thing it's the way we're programmed. I'll be honest, I've never cried following a break up. Never have I looked back at notes, emails or pictures. In fact when I've gone through a broken up with someone I immediately torch, shred, and delete everything that reminds me of them. Sure it hurts us guys. Look at our knuckles following a break up and you'll see the imprints of many a wall. But you'll never see a wet tissue. Lovely topic and one that I will be returning to later today to discuss further because honestly I need to reflect on this and wonder why it is the way it is.

    I love reading you. Never a day goes by where you don't amaze. And that's not a come on.
    Networkchic said...
    Thanks K O W. I love reading your blog, you have this ability to make me laugh and remember and reflect, that' talent.

    It must be the way we're programmed but I still have to wonder why? Who decided that's how it should be? Seems unfair.
    k o w said...
    It is rather unfair.

    First I apologize for the typos in my first comment, I usually proof them. Personal pet peeve.

    Now back OT, I really believe it's the way we're raised. Many times men are brought up to be these emotionless hulks that don't fell anything but what the elements throw at us.

    Another thought that crossed my mind about this is that it's just the way we as men cope with loss. "Everything in our life is replacable." we are told. How untrue that statement is. Sure it works for cars and plumbing but it doesn't work for the soul.
    WDKY said...
    Ah, yes... it seems to me there's a difference. Then again, for every generalisation, there are so many exceptions.

    What beautiful lips you have... Happy HNT x
    Chuck said...
    NWC,

    A sea of ink has been spilled on this subject. A bottom line, over-simplification of it is that women are more relational and men are more task oriented. This isn't black and white because there are certainly exceptions. It's not that men don't feel the same things. It may be that we don't feel the same things as deeply as women. There are other things that effect at that depth. However, our expression can also be vastly different in these instances. I think we're wired that way by design. I could launch into a lot more than anyone would want to read so I'll stop.
    SL said...
    Do men ever cry themselves to sleep? CHECK

    Do they look through old photos, read old emails, listen to sappy love songs, talk endlessly about their loss with their friends? CHECK

    Allow me to be your exception.
    ladylongfellow said...
    I don't think it's a male/female biological thing, I tend to think it's more a nuture thing.

    Both sexes are capable of stuffing down their feelings. I've done what KOW said..and just got rid of everything that reminded me of them but at other times I've cried too. Break ups are like losses, you grieve -how long and how you act emotionally depends on the how great the loss.
    Networkchic said...
    I agree there are exceptions to every generalization. There are women who can jump in and out of relationships and never be phased by the broken hearts they leave behind, but - I have run into fewer of them than I have men. When I do come across a man who 'feels' as deeply as most women I know - it's then that I fall in love.
    Mike said...
    "I'm not sure why or how I came to this belief, but I tend to believe that men don't suffer heartaches the same as women."

    O to the contrary my dear...you must read my blog, start from the beginging....Sept. 05

    My heart still breaks...

    There are a few of us good guys still out there! :-)
    Mike said...
    Funny I could write the same post about my ex-wife....just switching the word "men" in your post to "women". I have had all those questions about Maureen....

    I think it all depends on how much that person meant to the idividual...regardless of sex.
    NewYorkMoments said...
    I'd like evidence that men have any feeling at all except for in the most primitive sense.
    nukie310 said...
    I wonder if Mrs. Clause broke up with Santa if he would pine about it or just get back to making toys.

    NWC, see I believe in Santa!
    Becca said...
    I agree with you in some respects, but I know there are exceptions to the rule. Men seem a lot tougher than women in many ways. Maybe it's a front, a facade. I don't know. But some male hearts do break. I've broken a boyfriend's heart before and it killed me. I still look back on that time with pain and I often feel anger towards myself for being such a bitch. However, even though his heart was broken by me, he bounced back and fell out of love with me within a couple of months. Maybe men are just unfeeling, or made of stronger stuff.
    Caterpillar said...
    "When I do come across a man who 'feels' as deeply as most women I know - it's then that I fall in love." I'm with you, NWC.

    And I love reading all the comments on this, especially the guys' points of view. Very intriguing topic.
    Mike said...
    NEWYORK MOMENT READ MY BLOG...START FROM SEPT 05 YOU'LL SEE.

    MY HEART CONTINUES TO BREAK AND STILL WILL FOR YEARS TO COME....
    Mike said...
    My point of view....

    It takes a minute to like someone, and hour to love someone, but a lifetime to forget someone you've truely loved (even in my case when it was my wife that cheated on me, I still love her deep inside)...
    Chuck said...
    Becca,

    I've had my fare share of soul-crushing experiences. I've grown stronger through most. Endurance and strenth may appear to be a facade. This doesn't mean it hurts any less...it doesn't. I'd say men either grow stronger or grow passive through pain - relational or otherwise. I think the men that women so object to are those who've gone passive. These are the guys when you ask them how they're feeling they have no clue. They have no strenght or capacity to weep. True masculinity feels things deeply and doesn't turn passive.
    Networkchic said...
    Men do tend to become more passive about feelings especially the ones that cause them pain. I think it's because we as a society always expect men to be strong. What always amazes me though are the women who claim men are too 'hard' are the same ones that are turned off by men who are too 'soft'. Maybe none of us know what the hell we want. If a man cries I never see it as a sign of weakness, instead - it's a sign he's human. In my opinion, more men need to cry, more women need to be there to wipe them away.
    Wenchy said...
    I think it is down to individuals... not so much a male / female thing.

    Happy HNT. ;)
    Furzl said...
    I think Wenchy said it nicely. Happy HNT
    Sky said...
    As always an entry that is thought provoking. I have wondered this myself in regards to my own past relationships. I have always felt that most women feel more deeply than men. Like some of you, if I met a man that felt as deeply as most women I know, I, too would fall in love instantly.

    And for the men that have broke my heart, I have also wondered if they gave any second thoughts to it and I always hoped (and still do) that they hurt too.

    I wish in some ways I could be like kow...I don't throw away pictures, letters, etc. I still have the letters from my ex husband. I still have pictures of San Antonio boy and his dear jane letter. Hard to throw away those memories.
    Chuck said...
    It is an individual thing. But watch 5 minutes of tv or walk through any book store and you'll quickly notice something uniquely and inheretely gender driven.
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    Oh damn that was a good post. I have to stop reading your blog it makes me think too much and you know what happens when I think.
    I SEE YOU,
    JJ
    AndyT13 said...
    Happy HNT!
    Zoozan said...
    I think men feel as much as women do, but some may find it hard to show it
    Scott & Julia said...
    I think I agree with zoozan. Men just have to apper "manly" so they don't show the pain like the women do. Happy HNT!
    FunkyB said...
    I think men fall in love with their brain, while women fall with their heart.

    It's a LOT easier to tell your brain you are no longer in love than it is to tell your heart to put down the Ben and Jerry's.
    Lovely lips! HHNT!
    Jaimie said...
    It is in our genetic make-up to be more sensitive than men and lead with our hearts. If women were running the world, I am confident that there would be very little war, and they would probably be small anyway. Women are not as concerned with acquiring and conquering, but men are, even if they are conquering our hearts and minds.
    Shannon said...
    well I realized through my expirence with my ex, that the more they hurt that faster they run after a skirt... someone to make it all better, the someone who "understands" we (women) of course would never do that... because we are emotional creatures and that can effect our sex drive in lots of ways...

    hope your day was good... thanks for the advice for work
    sasfdasfdljkfksdjkfjsd said...
    it does really just come down to the individual, the last couple girls i've been with being perfect examples.

    i was a lot more hurt than they were, i am posolutely certain of it, they just moved along to the next like it was nothing.

    i'm not very good at shutting people out of my heart I guess, but crying myself to sleep, well, i haven't been that head over heels for anyone in years, but it could happen for sure, if they didn't kick me to the curb so quickly i would have gotten more emotionally involved, more hurt, etc..

    i can never understand the type of guy or girl that tries to pretend that a person never even existed or something, it always seemed extremely juvenile to me.
    Kelly said...
    You know, if women ran the world, I don't know that things would be all that different. I've been doing a lot of observation of powerful women lately (looking for role models) and it seems like many women behave more like men in order to get to that place. It's disappointing.
    sirreene said...
    I waited to see what how the men responded as it seemed to be more directed to what their insight was. I don't think I am surprised at the responses. Good post.
    NML said...
    I agree with you. When us women are sobbing and wailing, losing weight, having the hair all mashed up and not going out, the guy is not sitting at home having a cry. He's out, pretending that he's not hurting and getting over his pain with a new woman. They don't think about things to the same way as us. However, I have seen and do know of some heartbroken guys right now. I don't know about crying into their pillow but they are hurt in their own way and suspect that they play the guy version of 'All by myself' over and over again!
    Mike said...
    Everything you just said about girls, describes me right now.

    And I'm a guy.

    And it makes me feel like there's something wrong with ME.

    http://www.thebatchelorchronicles.blogspot.com
    Mike said...
    Thanks for visiting, my profile is at the bottom of page, and I can't figure out how to make it go to the top with HTML.

    I'm trying to get where you are,with how you feel about yourself, I'm just not there yet. And the last few days have really been a setback.

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