12/12/2005

My Life is Full


I took my daughter to see Santa over the weekend and as I stood in line waiting for 30 minutes convincing myself it was for her - not for me, I started thinking about all the things that fill up my life, take my time, make me tired, empty my pocketbook. Inevitably when contemplating these things the question of why always follows. Sometimes I feel down right envious of those people that only have to worry about themselves. Those people that can sleep as late as they want, go out any night they want and stay out until 3 - not wake up at 6 every morning because someone is calling out for you or stay in on a weekend nights because you don't have a babysitter. Those people who only have to spend money on themselves - not a nanny for their daughter, not toys to put under the tree, not groceries to fill the fridge. Those people that can spend their Sundays reading a book, watching a movie - not rocking a sick baby or watching the Wiggles for the tenth time. These things sometimes make me envy those without dependents. For a moment I allowed myself to think selfish thoughts but then it was our turn to see Santa. I was afraid she'd cry as I sat her atop Santa's knee. She looked at me with those questioning eyes wondering if it was ok, could she trust this old guy dressed in red? He touched her cheek and spoke to her in a soft voice, she smiled and started giggling. "Ho Ho Ho," she said...just like I'd taught her to do. My heart melted. How on earth could I ever be selfish for one moment of any day? I picked her up off of Santa's knee and hugged her tightly, she smelled of pine cones and baby powder. "Alice see Santa," she told me as she grinned from ear to ear. "Yes baby, Alice saw Santa," I responded. We walked down Roscoe street looking at the lights and listening to the carolers. We stopped for a moment so she could sing along to 'jingle bells', my life was full but I thanked God for that, before I was empty and given the choice between the two - full was always better than empty. I had my answers to my questions:

I wake up early every morning to the sound of a little voice calling, "mommy, mommy," and it's the music that carries me through the day. I stay home most Friday and Saturday nights not because I can't find a babysitter, but because I just don't get enough time to soak up every wonderful little bit of my sweet child. I go to work each day so I can pay for her college, know she's safe at home with her nanny, I can buy her toys, feed her food, buy her nice things because buying things for myself just doesn't make me as happy as buying things for her. I spend my Sundays rocking my child when she has a fever because I cannot stand seeing her in pain. I watch the Wiggles over and over because seeing my sweetness smile and dance is better than any movie I could ever watch.

I am so lucky. I have this little person that has pieces of me and the man I love tucked safely inside of her. I know now that I'm the one to be envied, my life is full.

16 Comments:

  1. k o w said...
    I'm jealous.
    Just Some Gal said...
    You made me cry!!!

    It is exactly how I feel about Jimmy. I don't go out much because he's my little master and commander but every time he looks up at me with those big eyes, I don't care. I'd much rather be at home with my smallest fan than out with someone that will forget my name in a few months.

    Thank you, I love your blog because it always has something that tells me "Hey, here's a balance..." AND the fact that you're a mom...and face the same challenges I do.

    xx
    Ruthie
    Networkchic said...
    You know what Blondie....I feel the same way about your blog. I was just reading you last post and I've thought your same thoughts many times. I think we're lucky that someone resides on this earth to remind us how lucky we are.
    Annalis said...
    Beautiful post! Anyone that has children can certainly relate...
    WDKY said...
    Yes, I can certainly relate to that, and I had a particularly lovely day with mine today because all the schools around here are closed as a consequence of the explosions.

    I can't help but notice that you're very good at answering your own questions though. And they're good questions too.
    Networkchic said...
    Thanks WDKY, I've had lots of practice. :-) Honestly though I've tended to surround myself with people that never seem to have answers to my questions so I just got really good at answering them myself. Funny thing is, most of us have the answers, we just forget to allow ourselves the time to contemplate the questions.
    Wenchy said...
    I am totally jealous of your content post girl.
    Chuck said...
    It wasn't that long ago when my girls would squeel, "DADDY's HOME!" when they'd hear my keys jingle at the door. They'd smoother me with hugs just for walking though the front door. All day's $#!t would just fall off.

    Time has Raced. Now they're teenagers. They express in different ways that same connection and perspective. But I sort of miss the squeels & jumping up and down enthusiasm.

    A few months ago I drove past the elementary school where I'd drop them off. At the time I was in a rush to get to work and not in the best frame of mind thinking of all I had to do. Then I saw a dad walking his tiny daughter to work. I pulled over at the next convenient place and wept.
    ladylongfellow said...
    So, when you having another? *smiling* I'm thinking you could be fuller? lol
    NML said...
    Yet another fabulous post! I'm grinning like a loon
    NewYorkMoments said...
    adorable picture. so what did she ask for?
    Shannon said...
    I can relate to both sides of the coin... and there is never enough tme amymore it sounds like you both had a great day that day!

    I took took my daughter recently to see santa and she wasnt sure still at 7 and thats ok, she sat on his lap and gave him her letter, not a letter filled with wants, instead gratitude, all her idea... wow she amazes me... happy holidays or dare I say merry christmas!
    kimmyk said...
    I think being a mom is the best feeling in the world...I miss having a little one who gets all excited over the holidays...it was great to remember reading this post. Thanks.
    Jaimie said...
    Life changes when you become a mom, as it is supposed to.

    Wow, your daughter is adorable! Oh my goodness...
    sirreene said...
    Life can be easy when we carefully evaluate our true needs and wants and simply fulfill them.
    Caterpillar said...
    I'm just now catching up, and this post is so beautiful and so perfect in every way. It's amazing how lucky we really are and full our lives are. I know mine will be that much more so when I have a child someday, too!

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