It’s time
4 months ago
12/12/2005
I took my daughter to see Santa over the weekend and as I stood in line waiting for 30 minutes convincing myself it was for her - not for me, I started thinking about all the things that fill up my life, take my time, make me tired, empty my pocketbook. Inevitably when contemplating these things the question of why always follows. Sometimes I feel down right envious of those people that only have to worry about themselves. Those people that can sleep as late as they want, go out any night they want and stay out until 3 - not wake up at 6 every morning because someone is calling out for you or stay in on a weekend nights because you don't have a babysitter. Those people who only have to spend money on themselves - not a nanny for their daughter, not toys to put under the tree, not groceries to fill the fridge. Those people that can spend their Sundays reading a book, watching a movie - not rocking a sick baby or watching the Wiggles for the tenth time. These things sometimes make me envy those without dependents. For a moment I allowed myself to think selfish thoughts but then it was our turn to see Santa. I was afraid she'd cry as I sat her atop Santa's knee. She looked at me with those questioning eyes wondering if it was ok, could she trust this old guy dressed in red? He touched her cheek and spoke to her in a soft voice, she smiled and started giggling. "Ho Ho Ho," she said...just like I'd taught her to do. My heart melted. How on earth could I ever be selfish for one moment of any day? I picked her up off of Santa's knee and hugged her tightly, she smelled of pine cones and baby powder. "Alice see Santa," she told me as she grinned from ear to ear. "Yes baby, Alice saw Santa," I responded. We walked down Roscoe street looking at the lights and listening to the carolers. We stopped for a moment so she could sing along to 'jingle bells', my life was full but I thanked God for that, before I was empty and given the choice between the two - full was always better than empty. I had my answers to my questions:
I wake up early every morning to the sound of a little voice calling, "mommy, mommy," and it's the music that carries me through the day. I stay home most Friday and Saturday nights not because I can't find a babysitter, but because I just don't get enough time to soak up every wonderful little bit of my sweet child. I go to work each day so I can pay for her college, know she's safe at home with her nanny, I can buy her toys, feed her food, buy her nice things because buying things for myself just doesn't make me as happy as buying things for her. I spend my Sundays rocking my child when she has a fever because I cannot stand seeing her in pain. I watch the Wiggles over and over because seeing my sweetness smile and dance is better than any movie I could ever watch.
I am so lucky. I have this little person that has pieces of me and the man I love tucked safely inside of her. I know now that I'm the one to be envied, my life is full.
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It is exactly how I feel about Jimmy. I don't go out much because he's my little master and commander but every time he looks up at me with those big eyes, I don't care. I'd much rather be at home with my smallest fan than out with someone that will forget my name in a few months.
Thank you, I love your blog because it always has something that tells me "Hey, here's a balance..." AND the fact that you're a mom...and face the same challenges I do.
xx
Ruthie
I can't help but notice that you're very good at answering your own questions though. And they're good questions too.
Time has Raced. Now they're teenagers. They express in different ways that same connection and perspective. But I sort of miss the squeels & jumping up and down enthusiasm.
A few months ago I drove past the elementary school where I'd drop them off. At the time I was in a rush to get to work and not in the best frame of mind thinking of all I had to do. Then I saw a dad walking his tiny daughter to work. I pulled over at the next convenient place and wept.
I took took my daughter recently to see santa and she wasnt sure still at 7 and thats ok, she sat on his lap and gave him her letter, not a letter filled with wants, instead gratitude, all her idea... wow she amazes me... happy holidays or dare I say merry christmas!