12/13/2005

the scary things

What are you scared of? Anything? Through my life the answer to that question has changed many times. When I was a kid I wasn't scared of the dark or high places, I was scared that my dad would leave my mom, and he did. It's strange how you can fear something and then once it happens, it either stops being scary or it changes you forever - makes you tough in ways you never anticipated. As a teenager I was scared of getting caught doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing, sneaking out, drinking, skipping school. I wasn't scared of getting my heart broke because I thought love lasted forever. I wasn't scared of dying because when you are young you think you're invincible. When I became an adult my fears got more complicated. When you are older most fears come from something you've already experienced, not the unknown. Your heart gets broken so you become afraid to love again, you lose your job and it makes you scared of failing, you lose a friend and suddenly you're terrified no one likes you. Fear is a powerful thing. It can stop you from living, from loving, from being the person you long to be. One thing I know has changed from my wonder years to now is that most days I don't think about the things I'm scared of. I'm not sure that's actually a good thing. If we deny being afraid, does that makes us stronger or does it put us in denial? How can you ever overcome something if you don't admit it exists? Maybe it's too hard, maybe we are actually afraid of being afraid. I need to change because right now I'm tired of being scared. So here it goes, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that my significant other won't marry me. Damn that was scary just saying it. It's not that I believe marriage is the answer to all my problems, it's that I want someone to think I'm good enough to marry.

I'm afraid that people won't see me. I know they see me physically but do they see what's on the inside, and if they do, will they stay?

I'm afraid that one day my daughter will grow up and make the same mistakes I have and I won't be able to save her from the pain.

I'm afraid of crying. Once, I went two years without crying - because I was afraid that if I started, I'd never stop. I'm afraid that my tears will take me nowhere except a place that I might never escape.

I'm afraid. Are you?

11 Comments:

  1. Joe said...
    What an amazing post. You've managed to express what I suspect so many of us feel.

    I'm not afraid of too many things these days, but suspect that's because the fire inside of me has dwindled to mere embers of late.
    Chuck said...
    Most men I talk to and counsel struggle deeply with fear and anxiety. They have alot of difficulty putting words to, or assigning a value to their fears. It's been stuffed so deep, for so long they've become disconnected from them. It's refreshing when I run across a guy who's not only in touch with his fears but is not owned by them.
    Wenchy said...
    Excellent blog my friend.

    The superficial answer.. I am petrified of dogs.

    On the deep side... I am scared that like you I will go unnoticed.. that the inside me will get lost in the noise.

    I am scared I never find the peace I so crave.
    Sky said...
    As always a very insightful post and as always gets me thinking.

    I am afraid of so many things. I am afraid of loving in the fear that I will be hurt again.

    I am afraid that I am going to be one of those ladies with 70 cats because I won't ever find anyone that thinks I am worthy enough to stick around (even though I am worth it, damn it!)

    I am afraid I might freeze to death in my office if they don't turn the A/C off.
    WDKY said...
    NWC, I suspect that the things you fear are the things that all of us, at some time in our lives, feel anxiety about. The way we address the fear we feel is one of the things that defines us as people, I always think.

    My own fears relate in the main to my children, and their welfare. I don't worry too much about myself these days, which is no doubt due to a mixture of arrogance and stupidity. Still, they do say that ignorance is bliss :-)
    FunkyB said...
    What an amazing discovery -- that as children we fear something until it happens, but as adults we learn fear from our experiences. I'm definitely going to be thinking on this for some time.
    kimmyk said...
    my fears? my children wont become what i know they can be.
    tornadoes.
    poverty.
    something happening to my children.

    these are my worst fears.

    that whole your sig. other not marrying you? girlie..i have been with jamie for 21 years-we never said "i do"....it wouldn't change anything if i had....just my name. so i say dont worry bout that....
    NewYorkMoments said...
    One of the most amazing movie quotes ever is "If you fear something enough, you can make it happen." That's from Sylvia.

    There's a passage in the book Dune that starts out, "I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration...."

    Of course, neither of those quotes has stopped me from being scared...
    ... jacek ... said...
    there were alwyas a few fears here and there, but these days I'm scared shitless... just godda truck on through.
    Caterpillar said...
    You're wonderful!

    As for me, I'm afraid of never finding love, of closing myself off in some way, of being too picky or of settling - so that I'm alone for my whole life, either with no one or with someone who I don't truly love.

    I'm afraid of something happening to my parents.

    I'm afraid of getting too comfortable someday so that I forget my dreams and stop thinking so much and trying to better myself and really live each day.

    What song do you have playing on here? It's so beautiful and perfect in every way.
    NML said...
    My fear at the moment is death. I have been thinking a lot about illness plus my mum has been unwell and I'm being a complete drama queen I guess :-)
    I'm afraid of not being able to give my heart freely and I also have a fear of, polka dots. Oh and black people in white shoes and white tights.
    I love this blog as you always write honest, thoughtful posts.

Post a Comment