It’s time
4 months ago
10/24/2005
I've discovered, as I'm sure many of you have, there are two types of people in this world - givers and takers. I'm not sure when it is exactly that you become one or the other, but you will become one of these types, it's inevitable.
I became a giver at a very young age. At first it was with little things, I'd give the last bite of my candy bar to my brother who claimed to be starving. I'd give up my favorite doll to the cousin or friend that came over to play - even though I secretly wanted to keep her all to myself. When I was a gymnast my abilities came quite naturally and often I'd end up feeling bad for winning the medal so the next meet I'd purposely fall off the beam or take an extra step after my double full so my score would be less and someone else on my team could win. When I was a teenager, if I had a crush on the same guy my friend did, I'd graciously step aside so she could pursue him even if the guy really liked me. When I got older the 'gives' got bigger, most times not tangible items, but things that cost a whole lot more. I'd listen and offer advice, lend a shoulder or a hug to the friend crying over a broken heart. I'd be a friend even when the friendship fell into the background because of some new guy on the scene. I'd be there - no matter what. I suppose some of those things make me a good friend, the way friends are supposed to be, but when I look back at those things and think about what I got in return -I realize I gave and never took. Why is it that the givers never run into other givers? Instead they seem to search out the takers and let them take residence in their lives?
I'm in my thirties and I'm tired. I'm tired of being a giver. Can I turn my cloak in and get a 'taker' cape instead? Although I've often told myself that I'm going to stop being so generous - with my time, my money, my love....I never stop. I open myself up for the taking...and there is always someone there to oblige. Some say giving is part of love - but isn't taking part of it too? I hear people claim that it's supposed to be equal when you are in relationships, friendships or romantic, but honestly - it's never equal. There is always one person that forgives more often, one person that falters more often, one person that is selfish more often, one person that is selfless more often. There is always one person to be the giver, one person to be the taker. Why? Who raised us that way? Who can I blame for the fact that I give and give and give, and when I finally decide to take - there's no one there offering me their bounty? I sound bitter, maybe I am. Maybe I'm teetering on the edge of self discovery. Maybe soon, I'll figure out how to give while still keeping a tiny piece to myself. Maybe I'll be able to teach my daughter that giving to yourself can be much more fulfilling than taking from someone else. Maybe she'll learn that the only things in life worth having are the things we work for - not the things people hand to us on a silver platter. Maybe she'll be the only taker in my life that's worthy of everything I have to give. Maybe when I'm empty and I have nothing left to give, she'll fill me up with all the gifts I've passed along. Maybe there comes a time when we really can switch roles, lay down our 'giving cloak' and take residence in something else, something better. It makes me wonder though, what happens to the takers, the ones that never played the role of giver - who fills them up after they realize everything they have, everything they are - is make believe? I almost feel sorry for those 'takers' but that's just my giving nature.
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You'd be a fucking lousy taker, anyweay.
- el
But after getting burned one too many times as an adult, the scales started to tip the other way. These days I'd like to think that it's balancing somewhere in the middle.
I think ideally, love would involve both. There are people who don't know how to give, but there are people who don't know how to take too... agreeing to take opens you up to a different kind of vulnerability. What if you start to feel like you need what you are being given? What then?
I don't know. But your post made me think of something somebody said (I forget who): "The only love you keep is the love you give away." It mades sense to me, anyway.
Either way, you can't change what you are, NC.
being a giver only starts to be bearable once you realize you also have the power to give and not want (under any cirumstances) anything back. gives you all the control, eh? :)
now take this: [greatpostthumbsup]