10/17/2005
Over the weekend, my significant other and I had an argument. First you have to know I hate to argue. I'd much rather stomp off and be angry for an hour then to try and resolve the issue, that usually never works. So anyway, we're fighting. What we're fighting about is really not important, what is, is the fact that when I decide to stomp off, my boyfriend comes chasing after me. I say chase because he literally came running down the hall and blocked the doorway so I couldn't make a mad dash outside. "Why do you always do that," he says. "Do what," I ask. "Run away instead of staying and working things out," he answers. "Um, because it's what I do," I respond. What a lame answer. The fact is, I don't know why I do that. It's what I have done for thirty some years. I must have learned that somewhere. Later on, after I've gotten my way and dodged the fight, I think about his question, "Why do I do that, run away." I remember when I was a kid, if I got in trouble I'd go and hide under my bed, or in my closet, or any place I thought I couldn't be found. Strange thing is, my parents never came looking for me, they just let me hide. When I did finally come out it was as if nothing had happened. Maybe that was it, maybe them pretending that nothing happened started me down a path that I would follow for a lifetime. In my teen years when I would fight with a boyfriend, I'd usually hang up on them the minute we started to fight. If we fought in person, I'd pretend to not hear them or I'd just walk away. Now that I think about it, they never came after me either. No one ever confronted me or made me listen. I learned that avoiding a conflict was a solution to having to 'feel' anything. What was I afraid of? Why did I hate conflict so much? The more I thought about it, the more I remembered. It's scary you know, remembering things you never thought you knew. What I remembered was watching my mom run to her room and lock the door every time her and my dad fought (which was very often). I remember my mom pretending not to cry every time she found out that my dad was off with some other woman. I remember my dad pretending not to notice that my mom had run off and locked herself away. What I remember, is pain, every time I watched my mom close herself off. It's what I remember, it's what I learned, it's what I became - someone who runs away. Eventually my mom left my dad but I think it was too late to change what I'd already become. She showed me how to run far enough away from something or someone, so that you could avoid feeling things that were unpleasant.
So now I remember why I run away, but how do I stop? How do I keep my feet planted firmly in place and face whatever unpleasantness may come? How do I teach my own daughter that it's never ok to run away, because whatever you are running from - will surely follow? I guess where I start, is right here on this blog. It's writing down the things that scare me, making them real, then figuring out how to 'feel' them and let them go. I think that's the trick - letting them go.
At the end of the day yesterday I went back, I returned to the place that I ran away from. "I run away because I'm scared," I told him. "What are you scared of," he asked. "I'm scared of feeling things," I answered. "It's more scary not to feel them," he said. I guess he's right, after all, that never works anyway.
A new road to follow.
Posts
Is it a fear of feeling? I don't know. I had always thought that I had a pretty thick skin but now, upon some real quick self reflecting while tyoing this I'm not real sure.
Funnily enough, one of the true gender stereotypes that I see a lot is the one that involves talking issues to death. There's a balance, like in all things, and finding it is the key.
Oh, and I'm prone to walking away/hanging up/etc etc too, but I've been fighting that instinct for a while now.
2 thoughts:
1) I thought that it was normally a mans personality to go off in times of arguing, think about it and then come back. Its usually the women who always want to talk it out in the heat of the argument. BUT this is neither here nor there. We all deal with things differently.
2) I think that its a balance of these two kinds of personalities that make a relationship work. one can retreat, the other wants to stay and talk. And in the end you both bring out good things from one another and learn. that was very nice of him to want to talk it out!!! :) I hope things work out for the best!
ps -is it me or are these word verifications getting longer and longer?
Anyway, the good thing is that you know why you are how you are and you are handling things differently and ultimately that brings about positive change :-)