10/26/2005

Playing the Almighty

I work for lawyers. I develop customized applications that lawyers need/want. I don't like lawyers. I can almost say that of all the lawyers I know, which is a pretty high number, I like exactly 2. One of them is a government attorney so she gets paid less and works harder - it humbles her. The other one actually quit being a lawyer - because she couldn't stand lawyers, so of course I like her because...well, she's sane. Luckily I can do the duck and cover most days and avoid direct contact with the 'higher ups' but yesterday my luck ran out. I'm running across the street to our other building to catch a meeting that I'm already late for. After making it through security (which is ridiculous since 9-11) I make a mad dash for the elevators. I see one with the doors open and going up....I think to myself how lucky I am. Just as I make it to the doors and am about to step through, the doors start to close. I'm half way in the elevator, my foot is in between the doors and they're closing. I look up and see this guy pushing the 'close door' button furiously. "Excuse me, can I get on this elevator?" He doesn't answer, instead he keeps pushing the 'close door' button. Well I'm a bit of a stubborn lass so I refuse to move. I know I actually wasted more time than if I would have just stepped out of the way and waited for the next one, but I was pissed, and I'm Irish, and I have a temper. If you know anything about elevators you know that if the doors are open too long, an alarm goes off. So guess what happens next, "Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." The alarm is buzzing, which alerts security, which pisses the 'guy' on the elevator off, which makes me laugh (on the inside). Sometimes I love being difficult. So anyway, security comes over, "what seems to be the problem?" I'm debating on whether to answer them because really...who the hell are they? They get paid like $8 bucks an hour to stand at a security desk all day and look important. I'm not scared. They ask the guy on the inside of the elevator to step off, he refuses. The security guard asks him a little more forceful, "Sir, we need to you to step off the elevator." He replies, "No, I'm not stepping off the elevator - I have to be somewhere." Security guard answers, "Sir, if you don't step off the elevator I'm going to have to call in reinforcements." Ok so now I'm really laughing. Call in reinforcements, who, like ghost busters? Finally the 'guy' steps off the elevator and follows the security guard over to his little desk. They tell me to stay put and they'll be back to ask me a few questions. Oh Jesus....this is getting a bit melodramatic isn't it? So I stand there, already 20 mins late for my meeting that I'm supposed to be the host speaker, nice. I wait. I wait some more. I wait exactly 11 mins and 23 seconds. Mr. Security guard comes back. "Mam, did you know this man was an attorney?" "Um, I'm sorry, I forgot to look at his finger tips." "What do you mean you forgot to look at his finger tips." "Well see if I would have looked at his finger tips then I'd know he was an attorney by the calluses on the ends of them from pushing that pencil around all day." He doesn't laugh. Damn I thought it was funny. "Mam, this man is an attorney, he needs to be somewhere and you held him up by refusing to let the elevator go." "Well I have to be somewhere too," I reply. "Are you an attorney Mam?" "No, my God do I look like an attorney?" No reply. They then escort the 'guy' over to a 'private' elevator, one used for 'special' guests. After the 'guy' gets on his elevator and the doors close, they finally let me catch one of the 'common folk' elevators. By this point I can't decide if I'm boiling because I am so late for my meeting or if I'm a bit giddy from pissing off such an important figure of our community. I decide on giddy, it's much easier on the brain. I make it to the 55th floor, I sprint towards the meeting room, I peek inside to see if people are still waiting for me or if they've decided to leave. The room is full. I make my entrance and give my apologies, one of the attendees asks me what kept me. I reply, "I'm really sorry I'm late but the most amazing thing happened on the way up here this afternoon. "What," they all reply. "I met God on an elevator and he looks exactly the way I pictured Him to be."

The only difference between doctors and lawyers is, lawyers think their God, Doctors know they are. What a tough job to have.

16 Comments:

  1. k o w said...
    The bane of society. Lawyers are the reason this country is in the shape that it is.
    sirreene said...
    I think god was in your audience already seated, as god gets a priority elevator.
    TJ said...
    (ducking for cover)
    well, I'd like to think that I'm in the 1% minority of lawyers who aren't complete asshats. I worked in a government office for the first couple of years out of law school with low-pay but a rewarding job, and I didn't think of myself as "an attorney" either. I still don't. I'm more of an improv actor masquerading as a lawyer--I just love going to court and performing in front of a jury. I hate the legal paperwork bullshit and the macho posturing from the obnoxious blowhards.

    can we still be friends...??? lol

    I was hoping that the epilogue to your story was that the jerk from the elevator was going to be another guest speaker at your meeting...
    WDKY said...
    I don't have much time for lawyers either, mostly because they charge so much for giving dubious advice and for (often) not putting their clients real needs first. But then people say that about consultants too, so I'd better shut up.

    NWC, I'm sure it's possible to be in law (or to be a surgeon, for that matter) and to be humble too - isn't it, tj?
    NewYorkMoments said...
    I used to work with a woman who would always volunatarily say, "My boyfriend is an attorney." I love that "attorney." People use that to sound important rather than just saying, "My boyfriend is a lawyer." Who gives a rat's ass anyway!
    osk said...
    wow, that doesnt even sound like a real story. I didnt believe people would actually do that... well I guess lawyers are not people.
    kimmyk said...
    I was a pre law major and I'm very glad I changed my mind. Now I work for doctors. Every doctor I have ever worked for (specialists mostly) all have a GOD-like complex.
    I just hope one day when i grow up i'm as important as they think they are.
    Sky said...
    I am in the middle of a conference call meeting when I read this and needless to say I had to explain why all of a sudden I was laughing in the middle of a regional manager's "speech".

    Like you, I wouldn't have let that asshat get the elevator door closed either. I was expecting him to be in the same meeting...too bad he wasn't. That could have made the story even more hilarious.
    k o w said...
    I will admit there are some good lawyers. The ones that take me out to lunch after case reviews are good in my book.
    Networkchic said...
    TJ, of course we're still friends. I realize that the attorneys that don't work for the big corporate law firms are different. I've worked for 3 large firms and the lawyers are all the same. I dated one once but he couldn't get over the fact that I didn't worship him. Ugh...bad memories. It's funny you know when I think about the fact that I actually have more education than 1/2 the lawyers I work with, they should be bowing to me. :-)
    TJ said...
    yeah, when I finally went into the private sector, my first job was at one of the big corporate firms. I couldn't stand it and left within a year. It was all posturing, backstabbing, and fraudulent billing practices.

    And even though I had been pretty successful in winning jury trials (more than some of the partners who were being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars), I was always seen in a lower caste because I wasn't in the top ten percent of my law school class. I didn't care how much they were paying me, that's not the person that I wanted to become in 5 years.
    k said...
    I've been fortunate that in my lifetime I've met some pretty cool attorneys. I've also been subjected to some royal asshats... and will be subjected to them in the near future for an extended period of time. I like them much better when *I* am the one telling them what to do. Funny how that works huh? Personal Injury Lawyers - they aren't really people, they're soul less drones.
    Caterpillar said...
    I was a little late in reading this and commenting, but what an asshole!!! And it disgusts me that he thought he was so much better and more important, and that the security guard had to buy into it. I'm a laywer, but like Violet, I work for the government and don't even like law all that much, and also don't like many lawyers!
    Anna said...
    Wow - if I didn't know better, I would think that that was a fake story - so unreal!

    Unfortunately, I'm in law school now, and I look around at my classmates and can already see the ones who are half-way to losing their souls.
    it's all about me said...
    LOL good for you. I don't know very much about the US law system except from reading a few John Grisham novels, but it seems to me that there are assholes in every occupation and that excessive self-importance rears its ugly head at every level. Possibly US lawyers attract a higher percentage of this personality type (except for you of course tj). But what really made me pissed on your behalf was the attitude of the security guards - give a guy/girl a uniform...
    Anonymous said...
    I a lawyer and I very important

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