Some Words...

First...I typed this post this morning only to find out the server was down so it lost everything I had just spent 20 mins typing. How annoying.

I have a dilemma. My best friend is involved with a real loser of a guy. She calls me constantly and tells me how awful he is but when I offer up the advice to 'kick him to the curb' she just doesn't listen. I've been able to look past this fact for quite some time but now she has a child by this man and his abuse is starting to affect her daughter. Being a mom myself probably makes me a little bit more affected by her behavior. I guess it's just hard to imagine why anyone would allow any harm, albeit verbal or physical, to come near their child. Here's a brief history:

My friend and I met some years back at a bar. We had a lot in common. She was there drowning her sorrows about her latest loser, I was there chasing mine. We not only had the same birthdays, we had the same horrible taste in men. Naturally we hit it off talking about how awful our men were. Comparing battle stories we figured out we pretty much had enough in common to bind us together for life. Our lives went on, she married a loser, I left one. I finally realized I deserved much better, she never realized anything. One night I get a frantic call at 3 a.m., she's whispering for me to come and get her, loser has a gun. He's in some drunken fit of rage and he's threatening to shoot her. Thinking I'm invincible, I get in my car and drive as fast as I can to bumf*ck Egypt. Stupid right? Luckily he was passed out by the time I got there so I was able to sneak her out of the house. It took months of convincing her to leave him until she actually listened. She divorced him 3 months later. For awhile things were good, that was until I up and moved 3 hours away. My grasp on her reality soon loosened and without me being close enough to stop her from making another mistake, she jumped right back into the loser pool. The abuse continued, not physically but verbally. He'd get in her face and call her stupid, tell her she was worthless and ugly. He'd go out and get drunk on Christmas instead of spending it with her and when she'd question him about it, he'd say he'd rather be in a bar than be with her. And still she stayed with him waiting up late at night holding some sort of vigil to the love she swore he had for her. I'd give her my usual speech when she'd call me sobbing, 'He's a loser, he doesn't deserve you, you don't need him." She never listened.

18 months ago she had his child. A child he doesn't pay for. A child he sees maybe once a week. A child that can't distinguish his identity from that of a stranger on the street. A child that she claims is the only reason that she still has anything to do with this loser. She's gotten better, she no longer sleeps with him. She doesn't see him as much but still, she sees him, she goes on trips with him, she calls me crying about how awful he is. I've learned to distance myself over the years but have been able to maintain our friendship until now. Our daughters are one week apart but my daughter has a wonderful father. I feel guilty but most of all I ache for the pain that I know her child will surely endure as she grows up and is forced to realize how much of a loser her own father is. Part of me is very sad for this child but a bigger part of me is furious with my friend for allowing such pain to come into her child's life. Isn't having no father better than having one that is abusive? It's come to the point that I can barely stand to talk to my friend or to see her because I find it so incredibly difficult to keep my mouth shut. What I really want to do is yell at her, scream at her, how selfish it is of her to force such undeniable pain onto an innocent child. But can I do that? Is it my place? Will she listen? Probably not. So what do I do? Do I stop being her friend? Or do I just pretend the bad stuff, doesn't exist? I wonder if that little girl will grow up learning to do that...pretend that her daddy isn't really as bad as he seems. Her mommy pretends, so it must be ok.