The Truth....Is Never Easy

First...I typed this post this morning only to find out the server was down so it lost everything I had just spent 20 mins typing. How annoying.

I have a dilemma. My best friend is involved with a real loser of a guy. She calls me constantly and tells me how awful he is but when I offer up the advice to 'kick him to the curb' she just doesn't listen. I've been able to look past this fact for quite some time but now she has a child by this man and his abuse is starting to affect her daughter. Being a mom myself probably makes me a little bit more affected by her behavior. I guess it's just hard to imagine why anyone would allow any harm, albeit verbal or physical, to come near their child. Here's a brief history:

My friend and I met some years back at a bar. We had a lot in common. She was there drowning her sorrows about her latest loser, I was there chasing mine. We not only had the same birthdays, we had the same horrible taste in men. Naturally we hit it off talking about how awful our men were. Comparing battle stories we figured out we pretty much had enough in common to bind us together for life. Our lives went on, she married a loser, I left one. I finally realized I deserved much better, she never realized anything. One night I get a frantic call at 3 a.m., she's whispering for me to come and get her, loser has a gun. He's in some drunken fit of rage and he's threatening to shoot her. Thinking I'm invincible, I get in my car and drive as fast as I can to bumf*ck Egypt. Stupid right? Luckily he was passed out by the time I got there so I was able to sneak her out of the house. It took months of convincing her to leave him until she actually listened. She divorced him 3 months later. For awhile things were good, that was until I up and moved 3 hours away. My grasp on her reality soon loosened and without me being close enough to stop her from making another mistake, she jumped right back into the loser pool. The abuse continued, not physically but verbally. He'd get in her face and call her stupid, tell her she was worthless and ugly. He'd go out and get drunk on Christmas instead of spending it with her and when she'd question him about it, he'd say he'd rather be in a bar than be with her. And still she stayed with him waiting up late at night holding some sort of vigil to the love she swore he had for her. I'd give her my usual speech when she'd call me sobbing, 'He's a loser, he doesn't deserve you, you don't need him." She never listened.

18 months ago she had his child. A child he doesn't pay for. A child he sees maybe once a week. A child that can't distinguish his identity from that of a stranger on the street. A child that she claims is the only reason that she still has anything to do with this loser. She's gotten better, she no longer sleeps with him. She doesn't see him as much but still, she sees him, she goes on trips with him, she calls me crying about how awful he is. I've learned to distance myself over the years but have been able to maintain our friendship until now. Our daughters are one week apart but my daughter has a wonderful father. I feel guilty but most of all I ache for the pain that I know her child will surely endure as she grows up and is forced to realize how much of a loser her own father is. Part of me is very sad for this child but a bigger part of me is furious with my friend for allowing such pain to come into her child's life. Isn't having no father better than having one that is abusive? It's come to the point that I can barely stand to talk to my friend or to see her because I find it so incredibly difficult to keep my mouth shut. What I really want to do is yell at her, scream at her, how selfish it is of her to force such undeniable pain onto an innocent child. But can I do that? Is it my place? Will she listen? Probably not. So what do I do? Do I stop being her friend? Or do I just pretend the bad stuff, doesn't exist? I wonder if that little girl will grow up learning to do that...pretend that her daddy isn't really as bad as he seems. Her mommy pretends, so it must be ok.


  1. NewYorkMoments said...
    You know what? You can listen, but at some point, you need to draw the line. And that line is wherever you feel comfortable drawing it.

    At some point, your friend has to STOP THE INSANITY! No matter how many times you listen to her, or tell her, she's only going to stop when she's ready. And that day may never come.

    You could yell at her...Maybe it's a last ditch effor to help her. Or you could try to introduce her to groups that may help her, etc...But, maybe, for your own sanity, you need to just walk away.

    I feel your pain.
    Networkchic said...
    I guess you are right...sometimes we have to try everything we can but when that doesn't work we need to save ourselves.
    k o w said...
    Scream and yell. If that doesn't work get a group of friends together, sit her down, and confront her on these issues.

    My buddies gf would be the shit out of their kids. When he would say stop she'd strike him. It was an unhealthy enviroment for their 2 twin boys both who have CF. Finally after attending the boys 2nd birthday where the mother literally grabbed on of the boys up by one arm and dragged him to the table me and my 2 buddies had had enough. We sat down our buddy Jim the next week and beat it into his subconscious that what was going on was not good.
    He loved her. She was the mother of his children and the only woman he had ever slept with. It took alot that night to finally get him to acknowledge he had to take the boys and leave.

    Today he lives home with his mother and the 2 boys. The mother rarely sees the boys except for birthdays and holidays. She's pregnant by another guy and attacks Jim with this constantly. He still loves her but he loves his boys more and on that he made the right decision to leave. Of course if it wasn't for me and the guys chewing him out for 5 hours straight he'd still be there and the boys would still be getting abused.
    Networkchic said...
    Wow, at least he had the guts to put the boys first. Some people either don't have the guts or the brains to make such a move. I'll keep working on her.
    k o w said...
    His torment went on for 2 years living with her. Today he's working 2 jobs while his mother watches the kids for him.

    It amazes me how some people refuse to see what is right there in front of them. Tell her to cup her hands and put them to her face. Then tell her to slowly pull them away. This will show her that we don't always see what's right in front of us. I use that technique all the time.
    Violet said...
    In my humble opinion: Say your piece and walk away. She needs to hit bottom before she can bounce back up. Just be ready to take her back when she's ready...

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