9/15/2005

The Song

As I sit here this morning I have this weird pit in the bottom of my stomach. At first, I can't imagine why I'm feeling this way. It reminds me of how I used to get sick to my stomach the night before a big test, mainly because I didn't study as much as I should have. So anyway, I'm sitting here, my pulse is a little higher than normal, I can't seem to concentrate at all, and then it hits me. The memory. Today it's been one week since I ran into the musician. It's funny how you can go a whole week wrapping yourself in denial. Tonight I have my guitar lesson and instead of thinking about the songs I learned last week that I'll have to play solo this week, I'm thinking about the walk up to the building before and after class. I'm wondering if I'll walk quickly, looking at the ground, pretending there is no outside world. I'm wondering if I'll see him again, and if I don't, will I be disappointed or relieved? Will I park farther away from the place I know he'll be, or will I find a way to place myself in close proximity so my chances for an encounter might be greater? If I see him, will he see me? If I run away again, will I end up back in this place? I'm confused. This pit in the bottom of my stomach could be a warning, to run away from this memory. I'm in a relationship and I love 'volley'. It's kind of ironic if you think about it. Running away landed me straight on the path to one man, yet in my attempt to regain bits and pieces of my former self, I've come back to the place I started. The place he said I'd come back to. I guess that's how most songs go, they start and end with the same refrain.

7 Comments:

  1. k o w said...
    It's only natural to have apprehension/exhilaration at the idea of running into an ex-lover. They never completely leave our psyche and when you run into them your brain immediately blows the dust off of the memories made.
    Networkchic said...
    Yeah that's true, I just can't figure out if that's a good thing or a hinderance.
    k o w said...
    Well it's only a hinderance if you let it. Memories are there to serve us when we need them i.e. when we're feeling lonely, catch a familiar scent or masturbation. When you walked away from your last meeting what was going through your mind? How was it going to affect you here in the now? Or was it all the great memories you had from before. That should point you in the true direction.
    sirreene said...
    sounds like there's some music yet to be made...slam into him AGAIN ;)
    WDKY said...
    Hmmmm... should I say what I think, or what you want to hear? I could ask you if it really was such a coincidence that you parked where you did, that you happened to peer into the window as you got back to your car, that you fumbled your keys? Or I could ask you what it would mean to lose what you have?

    Or, maybe, we could just dwell on the romance, the inevitablity, the poetry of it all.

    When all's said and done, NC, you make your own destiny.
    Networkchic said...
    Well maybe some of what you say is true. Although if you know anything about parking in Chicago, you know no one has much choice about where they park. Basically it's drive around 20 mins and grab what you can. But, with that said, I must admit that when I did park there, I did think about the musician. It wasn't a thought of hoping to run into him rather a fond memory of what used to be. I don't think I'd be human if I didn't reminisce about what once was. Although part of me does wonder what 'could have been' my reality has a much stronger pull on my heart strings. I do not want to lose what I have, but maybe sometimes we have to be tested to see how loyal we really are.
    WDKY said...
    You're just like me. It can make life... interesting, but at least know we're alive!

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