9/27/2005

the Schmoozer

You know one right? That annoying co-worker that goes that little extra distance to KISS YOUR BOSS'S ASS? Yes, they exist, everywhere. 1 out of every 10 people you know, will be a schmoozer. If you are one, I doubt you will admit it but we know who you are and WE HATE YOU. I have the pleasure of working with a schmoozer. He's annoying. He's gay, and this isn't the annoying part, he tries to act straight by talking about hot women and how he'd 'do them' if he had the chance. OH PLEASE, you're gay, you like men, so stop pretending that sweet muff turns you on. I really don't care what your sexual preference is, what I do care about is that he's a schmoozer. He kisses my boss's ass LITERALLY, ok not literally but close, nearly every day. He brings her a coffee every morning....and not the free kind from the cafeteria...he actually makes a special trip to Starbucks to get her favorite kind. We have a Caribou coffee in our building, but she doesn't like that so he walks two blocks over to Starbucks to buy her 'special' coffee. I'm not annoyed by the fact that she has to have Starbucks coffee instead of the more convenient choice. I'm annoyed that MR. SCHMOOZER has to trek his scrawny ass over to buy it for her. She accepts it of course...I mean come on what is she supposed to do. He also runs down the hall to open the door for her when he sees her coming, he claims it's because he's a gentleman but we all know it's because HE KISSES ASS (yes I know he's gay but that's not the ass I'm talking about). In meetings he always has to have the BEST ideas, he talks the most, he interrupts other people when they are trying to pitch their idea and when my boss says something....anything...he pipes in with, "you are so clever." Please....what the hell is clever about saying you have to go to the bathroom. Jerk. Some of us other 'non-ass-kissers' have taken up a collection to have him surgically removed from her ass. I didn't know it was so expensive but soon we'll have enough funds to make it happen. I'm just wondering after the procedure is done, will there be a scar....right on top of his nose? Do schmoozers actually get ahead? I've never actually had anyone try to schmooz me...well maybe I have but it was a guy trying to get me in bed so that really doesn't count. There seems to be a whole population of schmoozers out there so I'm thinking that at some point the ass kissing must work. Honestly if it were me I'd take advantage of it for awhile but then I would get frickin' annoyed that someone was attached to my ass 90% of my day. I mean can you imagine how hard it would be to sit down or get through a doorway? Are you a schmoozer.....do you know one? Does it really pay off? If it does, maybe I'll start puckering up tomorrow.

9 Comments:

  1. NewYorkMoments said...
    I've seen asskissers win before. But I think it depends on how much of an a**hole the asskissee really is. How can anyone not see through all of the sincerity? Any normal person would see through the BS & not put up with it. But...Maybe your boss likes it.

    Yuck.
    k o w said...
    I'm sure the boss has got to realize the ass is red and raw. Maybe that's how they got to where they are?
    sirreene said...
    god, if I had to kiss ass around here I would really be in trouble, I just have to suck....
    Networkchic said...
    Hmmm, there is this one hot attorney that if I absolutely had to, I'd suck. But he's not the boss of me...so I guess it would be a freebie.
    WDKY said...
    We call it brown-nosing over here. One of my managers does it to me, but I'm always extremely rude in response. He doesn't seem to mind, though, in fact I think it spurs him on to even greater efforts. NWC, I think I'd like to work with you, especially for the freebies ;-)
    ... jacek ... said...
    Actually, i wouldnt blame him, he just sucks (again not in the gay way thing), but I'd blame your boss. it's obvious what theis guy is trying to do and if your boss had good managment skills sh/he/it would tell the dude to relax. just my 2 centavos
    Her Daddy's Eyes said...
    Ass kissers are the WORST! There are so many of them where I work...eeewwww...

    ~Eyes
    k said...
    I am *SO* not the schmoozer. I'm the exact opposite... the one who becomes the example of what not to do in a professional setting. Yup... there are instances in looking back at past work history that I can definitely say "Nope, no bridge there".... those are the ones that *aren't* listed on the resume and *aren't* used as personal references. What're they gonna say? "She has no social filter, but she's a good worker?" Yeah... right...

    Ass kissing is for people who can't get the real job done.

    Ass kissing: the only way you can make "rectal-cranial inversion" a true art form...
    Caterpillar said...
    I can't believe he gets her Starbucks. That would annoy me so much, too. And especially because Caribou coffee is so much better!

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