9/19/2005
Definition: Contrary to established moral principals. Question: Who determines what these are?
I attended a 'mom get together' with some of the moms from my daughters play group. I was kind of excited to get to know other women with kids since the majority of my friends are still single and living the party life which I was a part of not so long ago. Anyway, I'm sitting there with all the other moms, we're all around the same age, one mom says to me, "so what does your husband do for a living." First a little history, most of the time people refer to my 'significant other' as my 'husband'. Most of the time, I let it pass without correcting them. It seems to be easier than explaining that he in fact isn't my husband, we're not married, we live in sin. But on this particular day I decide to tell the truth, I correct the mom and say, "he's not my husband, but, he's a mechanical engineer." Knock me over with a stick...you should have seen the look of shock on her face. She didn't quite know what to say...but she managed the words, "oh, you are not married, well that must have been really hard for you." What the f*ck? That must have been really hard for me? What, having a baby, yes that was hard...just the same as it's hard for anyone...come on, it's like pushing a watermelon through a straw. Sorry for the graphics, but really, why must it have been hard for me...because I'm not married? I didn't know what to say, so I just sort of ignored her comment. After that moment, I could tell that she actually started treating me differently, like I had some sort of disease. I tried to not let it bother me, I'm usually pretty good at ignoring people's stupid comments but I've actually been thinking about it the rest of the weekend. It got me thinking about who determines what 'moral standards' our society should live by. It's really a strange world because now that I'm a single mom (although I'm not really single, I am living with the 'daddy') people actually consider me more 'immoral' then before when I was living alone, playing the field, partying, and basically acting like an adolescent. I mean it's not like I was seventeen, knocked up without a job, without a place to go. I'm in my mid-thirties, I'm college educated, I have a successful career, I'm self sufficient, I have a nice place to live and I have nice things. No I didn't plan to have a child out of wedlock but it happened. Instead of throwing a fit about the things I had to give up, the partying lifestyle, the cool loft in the hip neighborhood, I decided to act like a grownup and accept what was. Would I like to be married, yes. Would I have rather had a child when I was married, probably. Do I think that not being married makes me less of a great mom, HELL NO. If anything I think my daughter will grow up knowing that a woman does not need a man to define her. She does not need a label to make her feel like she's acceptable to society. Will being married make things easier, maybe. But, being successful in everything you are is much more important than walking down the aisle.
I'm pissed when I think about how small minded people are. One would think that in a big city, people would be different, but they aren't. It's almost like half of the population still live back in the days where a woman just wasn't complete until she had a man. And here I thought we'd come so far, apparently not.
Posts
You're right. We should have moved on by now.
I find the older I get the less I care to be around the "normal" folk who have done everything the "right" way.
It must have been hard for you to be such a successful woman, have a great career, be self sufficient and be able to make such a wise decision to have a baby. It must have been difficult to know that you are making a decision that's right for you and not follow the societal "norms" for marriage, etc... and be successful...
I would've countered with "It must be hard for you to realize that if you ever want out of your relationship that you're going to lose everything since you're married."
Stupid people! Last time I checked, the definition of "FAMILY" didn't include a requirement of Marriage. As long as all those elements that you need (love, security and shelter) are there, why mess with it?!
I too am in my mid-thirties & wonder if I'll ever get married... I do intend to have kids someday, but the marriage part... why can't that just be skipped?!
Very recently, my small-town Midwestern mother said (because my sister was living with her boyfriend) that, and I quote, "The woman always loses out in that situation." What kind of 18th century bullsh*t is THAT? I actually hung up on her because I didn't want to throw a string of profanities her way.
OK...I'll stop now before my rant continues.
Um, not in THIS conversation is it overrated.
It's just a thought, I don't have any answers...I'm not married either.
"A woman doesn't need a man!"
"A man doesn't need a woman!"
...but I think needing each other is nice, sometimes.
Even though there are some bad marraiges, bad scenes. The idea (i promise to stick with you through thin and thin) is nice.
(And i have seen it done.) To say there's no purpose in getting married...seems like too much. It can be a beautiful thing (marraige that is, sometimes that is!)
I love seeing those grey heads that stick with each other over something like 40 years...something cool about that.
Isn't there?
(However, i understand that one would feel defensive if an acquaintance tried to commiserate that you must feel sad not to be married, when SHE is married. It makes one feel pitied...ugh. But it doesn't mean we have to flush the entire institition down the toilet as worthless.)