3/08/2006

in my words

Sometimes what I need to say escapes me. The words are in my head, swirling around like oil in water. I can write them, that part comes easily. To speak the things that populate my mind, that requires more effort. Most days I'm too tired to put forth the effort. Most days I am a drifter, hiding beneath the comfort of things I can control, running from the ones I can't. It's amazing how fast you can run from something yet still be in the same place when you stop to rest. Life follows you. Behind every door, through every darkened hallway, at the end of every bottle of booze, it's there waiting for you to see it, to experience it, to acknowledge it. So I'm standing here looking at the life that surrounds me in this room and part of me is scared to see it for what it is. But I'm here, still. I know I need to tell you what's in my mind but I'm not good at leaps of faith. I'm weak like that. How do I know that when my words leave their safe haven that you'll be there to catch them? Or will they fall clumsily to the floor and be swept away with the dust and the dog hair? If only you could see inside to read the words scrawled upon my walls, this would be easier. But who am I kidding, we people rarely look past the steel door at the entrance. Maybe if I opened it just a little so you could peer inside you'd be able to see that I'm not as silent as I seem.

10 Comments:

  1. Alexis said...
    Let the words out. some days they are too heavy to keep all to yourself. and you never know who else might need to hear those words from you and they were just waiting for you to be brave enough to say them!
    NewYorkMoments said...
    I hate the end of a bottle of booze. That's why I always leave a little left at the bottom.
    Shannon said...
    I agree with Alexis

    hang in there NWC this too shall pass
    Anna said...
    Someone will always be there to catch them hun..just have faith and believe.
    kimmyk said...
    If I spewed everything that was in my head? HA! They'd take me away...
    e.e. said...
    ok. I am in 'encouragement mode.'
    You have pushed me. I am going to push you.
    Get a babysitter.
    Go out. Have drinks. Have fun.
    Let things flow. Talk a little.
    Alcohol does not have to be involved if you do not want it to. Just go. I suggest a bar, tho. Maybe at a 99? do you have them there? Sit kitty-corner, at the end. So you face each other.
    Watch a game on tv. Play keano.
    Have dinner. Socialize.
    Whatever. Drink wine, if you like wine. And let it flow.
    And if it doesn't this week, try again next week.
    It will flow. You can succumb to being open too. You do not always have to be the strong one.
    Ask for the hug.
    Go on. Do it....
    Anonymous said...
    OK, I'm agreeing with Emerald Eyes? That's what my husband and I do... when it just gets too much with everyday life, chores, kids, etc... we get a babysitter and cut loose! It helps!!
    Lori said...
    I think you would be surprised at how many people would truly understand, if you were willing to share. It's hard to trust sometimes, but there is always a kindred spirit, a genuine heart. It may be difficult to find, but I promise...it is out there, and it's a place where you can both be yourself, and feel valued and safe.
    Rex said...
    I can so relate. I too have been in that place. I am learning that life is so much more pleasant when I let the words go....I realize that by clinging so tightly I create my own misery. I have found that everytime I take the risk someone has always been there to catch the words.
    NML said...
    You always write so well and so deep. I can't imagine you not being open. I have learnt that when we hold things in, when we fail to process our thoughts and digest them, that it can play havoc with you internally. Part of me getting better illness wise has involved me having to have a bit of a clear out.

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