3/01/2006

from the outside


So much of my life has been spent looking in from the outside into a world that seemed foreign to me. I'd read how families were supposed to be - whole and peaceful but it was never part of my reality so I was skeptical that it could actually exist. Sometimes my friends would talk about their family outings, the ones with a mom and a dad and I remember being so jealous. I was like a peeping Tom, standing under the bushes outside a window hoping to catch a glimpse of this life I had no part of. The laughing, the love, the trust they had in each other would leave me feeling more like an outsider than I care to remember. Although both of my parents loved me, they were not together and they spent so much time fighting over me that sometimes I think they actually forgot what prize they were both trying to win. When I look back I think I became an independent person because I never wanted to rely on someone else to love me to make me feel whole. It took me years to realize that someone loving you isn't what makes you whole, it's knowing that you are worthy of that love that completes you.

My life is so different now and for the first time in a very long time I don't feel like that kid on the outside with her nose pressed against the glass looking into a life she thought she'd never have. Every now and then I still step outside myself, outside of my life, to get a better view of how much love I'm actually worthy of. I've come out from under those bushes, I've opened the door and stepped into my life. I never have to be on the outside looking in...ever again.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday HNT_1

18 Comments:

  1. Grace said...
    This is beautiuful. I really do enjoy your style of writing.

    I felt the same way growing. I was juggled between holidays and summer, who pays for college, who buys school clothes, who plays Santa the most. I don't want to put my children though that. As you said - I know my parents loved me and still do, but the battle between the two of them put the children on the outside.

    Now you seem free and grounded and for this I smile. Life works in mysterious ways and your experiences seem to make your strength powerful.
    LeighAnn said...
    Great! Now get inside, it's cold out!

    Happy HNT!
    WDKY said...
    NWC, so many of us have issues of one kind or another with regard to our parents... how did so many people get it so wrong? The one thing I learned from those experiences, though, was how to express the love I have for my own. And expression of love seems to be something you've become comfortable with too... happy HNT x
    Tab said...
    You are such a lovely writer~
    Networkchic said...
    WDKY you are so correct, so many of us have issues that stem from our childhood. I'm not sure how are parents got it so wrong and now that I'm older and wiser and can take responsibility for who I've become, I try to concentrate on the things they did right. I try with every ounce of strength that I have to do right by my daughter. Maybe our parents got it so wrong so we learned to get it so right.
    Networkchic said...
    Thanks Tab and Grace...my ability to write is one of the 'good' things I inherited from my father.
    Crimson said...
    Wow..I know exactly what you are talking about. Great post and photo. Happy HNT:)
    AndyT13 said...
    Nice pic and post! HHNT!
    Chuck said...
    Sounds like you've let go of the past enough to pass something good to your future generation. The thing we have to guard against is reacting to the ways we didn't like about our own parents.
    Shannon said...
    good thought :It took me years to realize that someone loving you isn't what makes you whole, it's knowing that you are worthy of that love that completes you.

    how true!!
    I just love your insights hope you have a great day
    Alexis said...
    Thanks for sharing about your folks! It took me years to realize mine did the best they could with what they had...... and they showed me a lot of what I did and did NOT want to be as a parent. Lessons learned......
    ~TVS said...
    Now if someone would clean the noseprints off of the glass.... HHNT!
    Rex said...
    Isn't a great feeling? Love being on the inside
    Leslie (360) said...
    I'm enjoying your Blog here...Going to keep on Reading..
    Caterpillar said...
    Oh that was so beautiful and touching, NWC! I'm so glad that you're inside now, and know how worthy you are of love and of all the best!
    Lori said...
    There's nothing I can add here. You write so beautifully and I love coming here to read what you think and feel.
    NML said...
    I agree. You are a fabulous writer.
    Da Gal said...
    You are such a beautiful person and you have such an enthralling way to show it here. The lesson that loving yourself and knowing you are worthy of love is what makes you whole has been the theme of my year!

    Thanks for touching my world.

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