3/13/2006

a breath of moments

As I walked out the front door this morning a warm fresh breeze danced across my face. It's been so cold here in Chicago that I'd almost forgotten how wonderful a warm breeze can feel. As the air filled my lungs I was hesitant to exhale, fearing that along with that breath the hope that came with it would disappear. I wanted to hold it in until my head swirled with euphoria casting a rose colored glow on the world that lay ahead of me. But my chest started to hurt and before I knew it I had to let it go. I took a deep breath trying to recapture some tiny bit of what I had before, but the moment had passed. Moments always pass don't they? But the memories of those moments lie somewhere between what is and what once was and if we're lucky enough, we can find more that resemble them.

Today my step father is going to his new home, the one filled with other people like him, people that try desperately to recapture the moments they are in much less the ones that have already passed. People that have a past yet can't remember it. People that are stuck between what is and what is tomorrow. My heart aches for him but I know this place is where he has to be. My hope is that when he walked out of his home today, a warm breeze caressed his face and he filled his lungs with moments. Moments of happiness, moments of love, moments when he was more whole than he is right now. Maybe tomorrow when he wakes up in a strange bed, a strange place, surrounded by unfamiliar faces, he'll find recognition when he exhales.

16 Comments:

  1. WDKY said...
    I think you know that I feel this with you... and I hope he feels that warm breeze too. Unfortunately, time is inconsistent in the manner in which it treats us, and we can but hope for leniency. Too often, though, it seems that the sentence is a harsh one.
    e.e. said...
    oh, my heart aches too. Tremendously.
    I am closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, and wishing you (and he) contentment and a constant state of bliss.
    Well written, sweetie. I will remember this every time I depart the nursing home after leaving my mom.
    Alexis said...
    My thoughts and prayers are with you & your stepfather. I hope you have lots of wonderful 'moments' to remember!
    Tab said...
    You can hold your Step Father's lost memories for him.Honoring him with the dignity he deserves through this is the ulitmate core of love and your hugs and kisses can still nourish his spirit.

    Thanks for sharing ~
    Sober Chick said...
    You write so beautifully -- turning black and white into a colorful scheme.

    I hope a spiritual moment will enter your step father as it has you and he can experience that state of euphoria.
    Lori said...
    I'm so sorry, NWC. This is such a difficult path. I know that you will still treat your stepfather with grace, kindness and compassion, knowing that behind the veil of confusion rests a king among men. God bless you both.
    Grace said...
    I love the feeling of fresh air - of familiar ground or youthfulness.
    Mellissa said...
    NC,

    I am hoping that this will be the beginning of new friendships for him and that when he fills his lungs it is to release the air out in laughter and happiness.

    Sometimes it is so hard to hold on to what was, but what is to be might just be something wonderful. This is what I am hoping for him....

    Ladybug
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    Stay strong my sista!
    I see you,
    JJ
    Shannon said...
    I pray that he will too
    Caterpillar said...
    I'm thinking of you and of him today, right now.
    Networkchic said...
    Thank you everyone for your prayers and well wishes. My mom told me that after she 'fixed' my step dad's room up with pictures of all the people that love him he turned to her and said, "I don't belong here, but then again, I don't belong anywhere." Sometimes I think that's a fear we all face, not belonging.

    Today was hard for me but even harder for my mom. I'm sending all your well wishes her way because she needs them.

    Thanks to everyone.
    Rex said...
    There are no words that can bring you comfort. Try ro remember that you are not going through this alone......your HP is holding you up and a lot of people are holding you in their prayers and thoughts, me included. There is always a purpose for the footsteps we take on the path our HP leads us on, though we may not know what that purpose is. Stay strong and rely on all the strength holding you up right now.
    Da Gal said...
    NWC - you are beautiful and kind and loving and warm. I don't know if you are into scrapbooking or artsy fartsy stuff... I know you're into writing - maybe you can write some stories down for your step dad to keep by his bedside that he can either read alone or others can read to him. Memories from days gone by, etc. Whatever you do - it will be the right thing. Blessings to you.
    Love, Meg
    kimmyk said...
    Its hard when we have such wonderful lives and memories only to forget them as we get older. i hope that in some way everyday he remembers something. Something to wrap his arms around and hold tight..even if it's for a short moment. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your mom...
    ladylongfellow said...
    I remember leaving my Mother at the nursing home...

    It is hard. I know what you're going through, literally. It's one of the hardest things I have done, even though I have ill feelings towards my Mother.

    That was almost 3 years ago. It gets worse, Alzheimers. The less they are aware of reality, sad to say, the better it is I think for everyone. I had 2 1/2 very rough, trying years with it.

    Go to the caregiver assessment meetings at the nursing home. Go and join a support group. You will get help, your Mother too, but in the end you will help others and see the "reason" this all happened for.

    I know you don't know me...but should you just want someone to listen...you can always contact me.

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