3/07/2006

a heart's capacity

Some times my heart feels heavy. Some times it feels as if it just can't withstand any more pressure, it's stretched beyond capacity. You can love someone yet still feel like they are a complete stranger. Doesn't seem possible does it? You can want to be with someone and they can want to be with you but in reality wanting something and having something are completely different. I'm not naive enough to believe that love is enough to make a relationship work. I know that successful relationships survive in spite of love not because of it. I want my relationship with my sig. other to be as strong as I know it can be. But my heart is heavy, the weight of his financial problems lay over me. As much as I try to make him responsible, I can't. I am not his parent, I am not his conscience, I am not and never will be - his savior. There have been many failed rescue missions in my life and I have no desire to add to that number. It's not that I don't love him enough to try, I have tried, but how many times can I bail him out until it's too many? I'm tired of getting penalized because I make more money. I've worked damn hard to be successful at my career and just because he earns a lower salary, does that make it my job to pay more of of our living expenses. I sound bitter don't I? Maybe part of me is bitter because I feel taken for granted. I want to love him. I want love to be enough. I want love not to cost so much. Is that possible?

12 Comments:

  1. Rex said...
    Wow, thanks for such honesty. You have really shown me your soul today. It is a tough place to be, but I do know this. No relationship will survive unless the resentments are removed, no matter how much love exists. Good luck and I will light a candle for strength for you.
    Grace said...
    I am always blown away from your entries. It's as though we have the same thoughts, challenges, and desires. I haven't written on my blog for a few days. Blank - because everything I want to say is right here.
    Thank you for your heart. I struggle with this too, word for word.
    sirreene said...
    Are we expected to share equally in a loving relationship? Each couple must find what balance works well for them. Not easy.
    Tab said...
    You deserve what you work hard for.
    Simple as that.
    Thanks for sharing~
    Christine said...
    Only my opinion--stop bailing him out. I've found it takes away their dignity and for my part it leads to resentments. Merely my opinion. Love is not emough--but commitment, getting thru the 90/10 share days, and focusing on myself--now that helps love survive.

    I love your openness and honesty
    Christine
    e.e. said...
    I want love to be enough too, babe.
    I want god to hear my inner screams and my crying at night.
    No can do.
    I can't seem to control that stuff.

    But there are things that I can control. And YOU too. Be strong.
    Talk to him. Openly communicate this to him. Lightly.
    And, again, be strong.
    Sometimes, a hug can be enough...
    kimmyk said...
    I agree with Emerald Eyes-you're very good with your words...use them and talk to him ...I'm sure you'll feel better.
    WDKY said...
    Em took the words out of my mouth... you guys must communicate, properly, because resentment has a habit of hitting you between the eyes if you're not careful.

    NWC, in my not insubstantial experience love is a pretty solid bedrock for a relationship, but there will always be problems. Life is complicated. Talk about them, and you're halfway to resolving them.
    Anonymous said...
    Relationships will never work if you are always concerned with everything being equal. It doesn't work that way. If your significant other made more money than you, would you complain about him paying more of the living expenses? Each person in the relationship gives what they can. Does your boyfriend help in other, non-material ways? Maybe you take him for granted as much as you feel he takes you for granted. If you get caught up in the quid pro quo's then you're destined for failure. Something to think about...
    Shannon said...
    I am a day late on this, and dont know if you read past things or not

    money is the umber one thing couples fight about,

    children is number 2
    this works for me and my husband, I dont know if it would for you or not

    me and my husband made a mutual descion to combine our money

    he makes about $200 a month more than me, so its not that bad, but we also have a budget, and we dont just spend spend spend, its something we work at,

    we figure lets let the money thing go then there is one less thing to worry about
    Da Gal said...
    NWC - expressing this has opened you up to the opportunity to change. If you don't want this to be another repair job - stop fixing. Sometimes learning that seeing or believing something is broken doesn't mean that its your job to fix it.

    I imagine if you sit and think about this... write about this... pray about it (if you pray)... and the answer will come.

    Meg
    Spitfire said...
    I used to be financially strapped...until I was bold enough to talk about it openly. Honestly. Embarrassed, ashamed - when you are not good at managing money, it seems hard to be able to manage yourself (and your family.) Money is abusive because the less you have, the more out of control you feel - the more you spend to feel more in control. The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was ask for the help that I needed. The second hardest was telling my SO about it.

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