Some Words...

Two years ago today I was laying in a hospital waiting to have my first child. I remember that day just like it was yesterday. I remember the pain of the epidural being administered, the pain of the needle that they had to stick in my back 6 times before they got it in the right spot. I remember being anxious not because I was scared of going through labor, but because I was scared of being a mom. In all of my life I never was responsible for any other human being other than myself, and most times I failed that task miserably. When I found out I was pregnant I was sort of in shock. I had resolved myself to the fact that I'd probably never be a parent because I'd never found that person or at least didn't find them at the right time, to make me think I'd actually be so lucky to have a family of my own. Although the relationship I was in was a good one, it was still fairly new at only 7 months old. As you know, it's hard enough to make relationships work all by themselves, add in the extra pressure of bringing a life into this world and they become more complicated in a matter of minutes. As surprised as I was at being preggy, there was never a moment that I thought, "I can't do this." From the very second that I knew a life was growing inside of me, I loved that little piece of me I couldn't yet see. My significant other didn't feel the same, he was scared, confused, not ready to be a father and although he eventually came to support me, it was a very long road getting there. I was alone most of my pregnancy, not physically but emotionally. My parents supported me, my friends were awesome, but I was on the edge of this cliff teetering, not knowing whether I'd end up a single parent or not. I was successful in my career, I made enough money, I knew that somehow I'd get through it all. But it was hard, I felt abandoned. As much as I wanted love to be enough, in reality, it's never enough. I spent so much time talking to my child, telling that little being that I'd love them enough for two parents but I was scared that I'd fail. I'd come from a broken home and although my mother used to say the same thing to me, I'd always felt cheated that my father wasn't present in my life more. Would my child end up resenting me? Well, things worked out. The man I fell in love with eventually became the man I could depend on but there's always going to be this significant difference between us where it comes to our child. I loved her from the second I knew she existed, he loved her when he saw her come into this world.

So there I was 8 hours into labor and all I could think about was if this child would love me when she came into this world. A good friend of mine said something to me before my daughter was born that I will remember for the rest of my life. She said, "you've been searching for that love of your life and pretty soon, you are going to meet her." When I heard my child cry as she entered this world it was like I was hearing music for the first time. They placed her in my arms, her eyes were wide open and she just stared at me, as if she'd been waiting for me just as long as I'd been waiting for her. "I've been waiting so long to meet you," I said. I held her closer than I've ever held any human being on this earth and that missing piece of my heart that I'd been searching for ...well let's just say that for the first time, I was whole.

Happy birthday to my dear Alice Margaret. Sometimes I feel selfish because I want to keep you all to myself, live in your laughter, drown my sorrows in your smiles. I know that I must share you because this world needs another reason to believe that love really can be enough.