2/08/2006

through the fog

Thanks for all the well wishes yesterday. I'm back at work today and although I'm not 100% at least my head is throbbing less. I hate that feeling you get when you have a cold, the fog that seems to surround your brain and makes even the simplest tasks ten times harder. Yesterday while loafing on my couch while my daughter's nanny kept her busy so mommy could rest, I started to think...dangerous thing to do when your hopped up on cold medicine. I started remembering other times in my life when my head felt 'foggy'. Times when I couldn't think clearly and it took all my efforts just to get out of bed in the morning. It wasn't always because I was sick, or at least not the kind of sickness that you can take medicine for. They were times that I sunk so low in depression that I just couldn't see through the haze of my life. The strange thing about those times is that everyone around me had no idea how lost I felt. People would always remark, "NWC you are so strong, how do you do it?" In actuality I wasn't strong, a strong person would have asked for help, I chose the easier task, hiding. I remember going through days and sometimes even weeks without lifting my head, or at least not lifting it high enough so that I could see that the grass was greener on the other side. The difference between the fog from a cold and the fog from depression is that when you have a cold you remember how it feels to have clarity. When you are depressed, all you see is what's around you, inside of you, on top of you - the weight of the world.

The past few days I've felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, maybe that's why I was reminiscing yesterday. Holding yourself up to everyone else's expectations is difficult enough to do when you're healthy and damn near impossible to do when you are sick. I know in theory that I cannot please everyone but knowing something and actually believing it are two different things. I wake up each morning and I tell myself that today is the day that I will start thinking differently. Today I will see through the fog. Guess what? From where I'm standing, the view is pretty darn clear.

9 Comments:

  1. k o w said...
    Right on.
    Neil said...
    Much better to be down with a cold than depression, that's for sure --even with the runny nose.
    Minerva said...
    I think sickness can be a real catalyst for depression and it is good to see that you are able to avoid it this time..

    'I can see clearly now...'

    Minerva
    Shannon said...
    we can start our dayas over at anytime:)
    WDKY said...
    I'm glad you're feeling better, and thinking positively, NWC. Your expectations of yourself are the ones that matter, and we all find it hard to be objective in this respect... I remember a line from a Floyd song that I always liked... "He's not the worst, he's not the best, he's just the same as all the rest."

    We're all flawed, all human. We just do our best and that's got to be good enough.
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    I can relate Chic. It taking me a long time to get over whatever it is I have. I can't lay on the couch for three weeks like my daughter did. I hope the fog lifts soon.
    I see you and fog too,
    JJ
    Joe said...
    Glad you're feeling better, NwC, in every way.
    Lori said...
    I remember this feeling so well...and there are still those moments.

    When I was a single mom there were times I would go for a walk, putting one foot in front of the other saying, "I'm going to be OK, I'm going to be OK."

    Sometimes I don't feel very strong at all, but the strength does come, and at those low times I focus on what is truly important and the blessings that I have...and then the world seems to stop spinning so quickly...
    Hamrose said...
    Oh yeah, I can relate to that. That's what's so bad about only going out into the world when you're feeling strong. The times you are a mess, you stay in the house...call in sick..make an excuse...stay in bed. No one ever see's anything but superwoman. So of course, everyone thinks "Oh yeah, you're so strong." Little do they know. Little do they know. Ya only fall apart in private. The good and bad thing about having kids is it's not as easy to hide away like that anymore...maybe that's a good thing. That kind of depression can be an unhealthy indulgence I guess.

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