another year older

Well hopefully you've all made it into this new year with a smile on your face. The new year has always been hard on me because I not only have to ring in a new year, the very next day I have to do it while celebrating being a year older. Today is my birthday. It's hard not to be a little bit depressed because most of us are never really where we want to be, in life that is, when our birthday comes around. I try to stay positive but honestly it's hard. I guess I just never feel as special as I want to be, as loved as I know I deserve, as strong as I know I need to be. I'm not seeking pity as much as a sounding board. This is a brand new year, a chance to change things, to make myself as special as I want to be instead of relying on someone else making me feel that way. Have you been able to get past it - the doom that lingers over turning another year older? How? I know I should look at the good things in my life, and I do, but how do you accept that you are not where you want to be, and if you do accept that, does that mean you sacrifice something you may never be able to get back? I don't ask for help very often, I can usually pull myself up by my boot straps, get back on the horse, and ride off to some place that makes me feel better - but I'm asking, how do you make it all ok?


  1. e.e. said...
    You reach out and help someone else, is what you do.
    And that's what you did for me.
    So in that process, you pick yourself up again.
    And while you help me open my eyes, maybe I can help you open your eyes too, at the same time, and we can lean a little bit on each other, and know that age is just a number.... 'cuz this year is going to be a big one for me too.
    "You got me in your corner if you need a litle help."

    So, when are you coming to Boston?
    And when are you going to show me Chicago???
    k o w said...
    Happy Birthday dear. January 2nd rocks doesn't it?
    ladylongfellow said...
    Happy Birthday!

    When I read your post I could completely relate with what you are feeling, I felt that way up until about 2 years ago. Always felt like I wasn't where I should be, I wanted more -more of everything. More love, more money, more respect, more happiness -the list goes on. I just never felt satisfied because I had been taught to set expectations not only for myself -but others as well. Life had become doing what everyone else had expected of me and not what I had expected of myself. Being the best in my field, being the best Mom, the best parent, etc. By doing that though you get lax on your own expectations of yourself, you forget who you are and at the same time others will always disappoint you. So, accept that you are the only person you can control, set your own expectations or standards and set them high. Stop trying to meet everyone else's expectations and stop expecting everyone else to meet your standards. In essence, be true to yourself and love yourself for you. It's a constant work in progress...
    WDKY said...
    Yes it can be done, NWC... it requires a different perspective on the way you regard yourself, and the way that you benchmark the person you were/are against the person you want to be, I guess. But what you also need to understand is that other people's perspective of you is rarely the same as the perpsective you have of yourself. The fact that you come across to me as very special indeed is testament to that, I suspect.

    Just take evry day as it comes, and be as true to yourself as you can be. It really is that simple.
    Caterpillar said...
    Happy Birthday, NWC!!

    You do have it a bit hard, having the two (New Year's and birthday) right together! I don't have a lot of wisdom on this one, and I'm sometimes wondering myself. But so far, I just do what WDKY said - take each day and just try to be the best that I can be that day, and be true to myself, and be so happy to be alive and be me.

    Also, look at your little daughter - you've made beautiful little her, and your influence is making her such a wonderful little person!

    I do wish there was some sunshine for you outside today - it's hard to be upbeat when you look outside and see this crap!
    WDKY said...
    PS I forgot to wish you a Happy Birthday x
    Networkchic said...
    Emerald Eyes, I'm glad I was able to help you, sometimes I forget to take my own advice. I love Boston and I'll be more than happy to show you this Windy city of ours anytime...come in the summer though - the winters suck.

    k o w - us capricorns have to stick together! Happy B day.

    Thanks everyone else for the well wishes. As much as I know to take one day at a time I often forget that being true to yourself starts right here inside myself.

    P.S. I was just reminded in this very instant how lucky I am, my sweet pea Alice is pulling on my leg as I try to type, she's saying Mommy, need you. That's what it's all about...being needed. Thanks to everyone - I need you all.
    kimmyk said...
    Happy HAPPY Birthday girlie girl!!!!

    I hope you had a wonderful day!
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    Happy Birthday to you.
    Happy Birthday to you.
    Happy Birthday dear chic.
    Happy Birthday to you.
    I see you,
    Just Some Gal said...
    A belated happy birthday sweetpea.

    I hope it was a good one.

    Troi Toy said...
    I forgot you and El have the same birthday! We Caps are cursed with the intense awareness of getting older and wiser simultaneously. Here's to a great year of growth.
    34 and counting,
    NML said...
    Belated happy birthday darling. Even if it's not your birthday, the new year always makes you shit a brick about the new age you'll be on your next birthday. This year will be a great year for you :-)

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