1/20/2006

believing in me

I want to be a strong person. A person who has normal happy days where memories stay where they are supposed to stay - in the past. I want every step I take to be a solid motion towards something better, but this is reality. My reality. Sometimes it's just so hard to loosen the chains that tie you to the ground. Some days I think I'm strong enough to break free of the jail I've put myself in, some days I think I'm lucky enough to find someone with a key and they'll scoop me up in their arms and say, "NWC, it will all be alright," and I'll believe them. But I'm smarter now, I know no one else can save me. Some days I write things on this blog that inspire some of you to be strong, but sometimes I forget to read my own words, some days I feel illiterate. I wonder how many times I'll have to go to the back of the line and learn the same lessons all over again.

This morning when I came into work I was feeling a bit defeated. Somehow I'd let my positive outlook slip away, how could that happen? I started to read some of the comments left on my post yesterday and one of them really moved me. Lance said, "You are building a bridge. A bridge to a relationship with yourself again." And then it hit me, this is the way it's supposed to be, good days, bad days, days filled with reflection. A bridge is a passage, a means to get from one place to another. Right now I'm on the middle of that bridge, sometimes I have to turn back to look at where I've come from - so I remind myself that the grass truly is greener on the other side. No one needs to come rescue me, I have the key to my own jail cell - I just need to remember which pocket I've put it in.

13 Comments:

  1. k o w said...
    I always leave this site inspired.
    Lance said...
    NWC, thankyou for the link. We are communicating at the same place at the same time. It is not age that defines us, it is as if our movie is at the intermission and we are standing in line for popcorn or the restroom.

    I wrote a post recently about being trapped at A Heart's Mind that searches for why walls are built up in our life. Mellissa responded with the cycle of we build them up and then tear them down and build them up again to release us then to protect us again.

    Incidently the theme of bridges for me is my gift as a person of faith. Every since I was a kid, I brought people together, I just connected.

    We do not know each other as individuals, but we like the same music, Sheryl Crow just released a some recuts at Itunes essentials. The song is a fovorite of mine. But we know each others spirit or soul if we can say that. We know this place well. Too well.

    In closing to this comment Would you be interested in contributing to A Heart's Mind, not to draw you away, but to draw others to you?
    Tosa said...
    Also remember that the relationship you have with yourself is just that - a relationship. Like any other, it takes work and has its good days and bad days.
    NML said...
    I am working very hard on the relationship that I have with myself. You speak very wise words.
    SL said...
    I completely relate to that myself. Not easy is it? But carrying on your analogy, as long as with every glance back you take a step forward it should be ok. Certainly hoping so.
    kimmyk said...
    There are days when I don't even like myself...

    Today is one of those days-I'm feelin fussy and tired. I think I need chocolate and a nap. Both of which I can't have right now.

    I hope the grass is greenier as you say...I can't imagine it being like this forever.
    Just Some Gal said...
    Ah, NWC, I love your blog and I truly feel so close to you at times. It is as if like Lance said, kindred spirits. This post really hit home with me. I'm just now taking the first steps on my bridge and I think it is a suspended shakey one. I just have to trust me to get to where I need to be.

    Thank you for your kind words and yes, motherhood is one of the most beautiful things that has ever occurred in my life.

    ((hugs))
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    NWC - this post is truly inspirational. Thank you.
    I see you and yes you may be on the bridge but I can still see you,
    JJ
    e.e. said...
    Of course you are strong... you know that. Your words inspire us all every day. It has come to the point for me where I have to stop in everyday to touch base and see how you are, and to get some inspiration.
    But inspiration for us is not the goal, you know that... it is for you.
    I hope and can tell that you get inspiration every day from your good heart.
    Who am I but a nobody... someone who stops in and seeks to merely commiserate from one prison cell to another.
    It is okay to take two steps back and three forward.
    Its okay to mix it up a little.
    And if you misplace the key, just call a friend.
    Or a stranger, like me.
    Somehow, somewhere, someone gave me the spare....
    Da Gal said...
    nwc - enjoy the bridge. Sit down, carve your name in the wooden slats that together make the bridge whole. Cast a line off the bridge into the stream that sometimes trickles - sometimes ripples - and sometimes rushes past. If you like what the line picks up... put it in your bucket. If you don't, feel free to take it off and toss it back into the river - whatever it is has more journeying to do.

    You are a beautiful, kind, loving woman - and a treasure to me.


    Take care and be kind to yourself. Meg
    WDKY said...
    I understand where you are in terms of yourself, and acceptance, and realisation. It's some journey, isn't it?

    The only thing I would say, in passing, is to be careful how you define good and bad. Some of those "bad" days just might not be quite what they seem.
    Tab said...
    great blog, awesome post .
    thanks for sharing
    Tab
    Lance said...
    'Your love is alright' that is our love for ourselves. If the desk is empty is that a start?

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