It’s time
4 months ago
1/04/2006
We all leave things behind, people we cannot love anymore, those who cannot love us, memories that are too painful to carry, pieces of ourselves - intentional or not, there are things we discard. I've become a champion runner, dashing towards some finish line that is barely visible. I've run marathons away from myself, trying desperately to be - someone else. Rarely have I looked back at the debris littering the road I've followed, most times ignorance is bliss. Yesterday I was cleaning out old desk drawers, drawers that I have not opened for more than ten years. It sounds crazy doesn't it? I've moved this desk from place to place, decorated it's surface with vases and pictures, ignoring what it carried on the inside. I've bumped my hips on it's corners as if it were trying to reach out and speak to me, "look inside," but still - it's drawers remained closed. It's amazing how something so material, so solid - can still be invisible. I'm not sure why yesterday became the day for me to look inside, maybe it was a step I needed to take to move on, to become that person I long to be. Whatever the reason, yesterday I opened up my past, reminders of the things I left behind. I found pictures of my ex-husband and I, happy and smiling, young and ignorant, in love with the people we thought we were. I found letters I'd written to my father and never sent, letters that exposed the most broken parts of myself - the parts he owned. These things made me cry, not because I left them behind, but because as fast as I'd run away, as much distance as I thought I'd put between that life and this one, here they were - exactly where I'd left them. I guess I've avoided opening these drawers because they contained pieces of the self I have tried so many times to heal, but couldn't. I loved my ex-husband but I didn't deserve him - so I left. I thought I'd forgiven my father, but I hadn't. Pretending pain doesn't exist doesn't mean it's not still there lurking in the shadows waiting for a ray of light to expose it for all that it is. So I sat down an I looked at those photos, I smiled at that girl who thought she'd had all the answers, I smiled at the boy who loved her with all his heart, and then I put them where they belonged - in the past. I read those letters, part of me wanted to send them to my dad but I knew that wouldn't accomplish what I really needed it to so instead I called my dad up and told him I loved him. It took me so long to look inside that desk, maybe before I wasn't strong enough, but now I am. I emptied those drawers and placed everything in a box labeled, "old junk." I think for now, I'll leave those drawers empty.
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wow.
I don't even know what to say, but I'll try to say something.
I know how hard it is to put things like this up for public consumption. Thanks for opening up to us, and for giving us the courage to look at our own lives as honestly as you do yours.
Looking through things from the past can be painful, funny, so many things. And also interesting, to see how we were, and how far we've come.
This was just a perfect post, I can't say much more.
I'm glad you called your father babe. And thank you for sharing so much with us.
((Hugs))
Blondie...I bet we've all got some 'old junk' out there that needs to be taken off a shelf, looked at, and then put away. So often we shove it to the back of our closets hoping it will disappear behind the shoe rack.
It's like Peter's 'desk drawers' were hidden in silence and Aslan not only exposed & cleaned them out. He brought healing.
Thanks for another soul-barring post.
And so beautifully written. I am so glad you found me.... so that it led me to you.
It is truly a great pleasure reading you, my friend.
My God, it is.
You've been brave enough to open real difficult drawers.
beautifully done
I see you,
JJ
PS: Shit that was a mouthful - more like 25 cents.
I am glad I came back for another look.