1/24/2006

beneath the rubble

Somehow I have managed to reserve a space in this existence where I can be free. I have learned that freedom can be complicated. It may be something we are born with, the freedom to breathe, freedom to exist, but to actually feel it, revel in it, cherish it, becomes a battle in self-discovery. How do you know if you are really free?

It seemed that I would never pass this place in my life where pain seemed to prevail over all else that existed. The parts of me that once mattered, the parts I cherished and relied upon to carry me through one day after the next, were buried beneath the rubble of my experiences. I tried to brush away the soot and ash that colored my life gray, but my arms grew tired and weary and the light at the end of the tunnel began to fade. It’s amazing how much strength it takes to pretend life is bearable. I had become a wonderful actress, always smiling; the world took no notice of the tears that streamed down my face because I always turned away. The world saw a networkchic that was strong and witty; a networkchic that never let anything hold her down. What they didn’t see was the fear in my eyes, the fear in my heart, fear that at any moment I would forget my lines. I’d lose the part, never get the Emmy, and be left with a shell of someone I’d hoped to become.

So here I stand. Appearing empty-handed to most, but to myself, I’m richer than I have been in years. Sometimes I sit quietly and ponder how I arrived at this place. The course I mapped out for myself proved worthless and after all was said and done and I discovered the only real map I needed was the one engraved on my heart. Life has a funny way of leading you right back to the place you started. It still amazes me how many times we run miles around ourselves just to travel one kilometer. Now my feet are almost firmly planted on the ground. I hesitate when I say that because sure enough just when I get my wits about me, life will throw me another curve ball and I’ll lose course again. I know this much is true, that light at the end of the tunnel, it’s getting brighter and if I squint enough I can almost see the promise land on the other side.

10 Comments:

  1. Lori said...
    I can understand this in many ways. It is coming through that dark tunnel and always reaching towards that light that allows me to count my blessings and keep it uppermost in my thoughts and heart...
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel goes out. That is why I carry a flashlight at all times.
    I see you,
    JJ
    k o w said...
    Life does indeed throw curveballs. That's why I carry an ethereal Louisville Slugger wherever I go so that I can at least take a swing at it before striking out.
    Networkchic said...
    k o w, I bet you could hit those balls out of the park. I need to learn how to swing that bat.
    Tab said...
    All the stuff we go through in our personal lives makes us wiser to deal with the next set of stuff.
    You have a great insight to yourself, you will never lose that.
    Thanks for sharing,
    Tab
    NML said...
    This is the trouble with appearing strong is that people assume that you're a rock, that you don't do damsel in distress. I think that it's fabulous that you have reached such a good place :-)
    Neil said...
    You seem to have a great attitude about where you are right now.
    kimmyk said...
    Yeah for being in a good place!
    e.e. said...
    True enough about always 'appearing strong'... people do sometimes expect you to be that way all the time.
    But I am realizing it's not always supposed to be easy, just know that you ARE a strong person a priori the bad times hit... that way, we are better prepared.
    Oh, and btw... you'll have o drop me an email or something...
    I tried to download that song but it gave me an error and wanted a site certificate or something... grrr.
    I'm not as good at that stuff as you! ;)
    Shannon said...
    you nailed it... right on

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