Some Words...

Somehow I have managed to reserve a space in this existence where I can be free. I have learned that freedom can be complicated. It may be something we are born with, the freedom to breathe, freedom to exist, but to actually feel it, revel in it, cherish it, becomes a battle in self-discovery. How do you know if you are really free?

It seemed that I would never pass this place in my life where pain seemed to prevail over all else that existed. The parts of me that once mattered, the parts I cherished and relied upon to carry me through one day after the next, were buried beneath the rubble of my experiences. I tried to brush away the soot and ash that colored my life gray, but my arms grew tired and weary and the light at the end of the tunnel began to fade. It’s amazing how much strength it takes to pretend life is bearable. I had become a wonderful actress, always smiling; the world took no notice of the tears that streamed down my face because I always turned away. The world saw a networkchic that was strong and witty; a networkchic that never let anything hold her down. What they didn’t see was the fear in my eyes, the fear in my heart, fear that at any moment I would forget my lines. I’d lose the part, never get the Emmy, and be left with a shell of someone I’d hoped to become.

So here I stand. Appearing empty-handed to most, but to myself, I’m richer than I have been in years. Sometimes I sit quietly and ponder how I arrived at this place. The course I mapped out for myself proved worthless and after all was said and done and I discovered the only real map I needed was the one engraved on my heart. Life has a funny way of leading you right back to the place you started. It still amazes me how many times we run miles around ourselves just to travel one kilometer. Now my feet are almost firmly planted on the ground. I hesitate when I say that because sure enough just when I get my wits about me, life will throw me another curve ball and I’ll lose course again. I know this much is true, that light at the end of the tunnel, it’s getting brighter and if I squint enough I can almost see the promise land on the other side.