1/03/2006

the Captain

Well I made it - past a new year and another birthday. I was sort of depressed yesterday for many reasons, getting older is never easy especially when you feel you've failed yourself. As I sat around feeling pity for myself I decided to think about the past year of my life, look at where I'd been both physically and emotionally. I remembered what I posted about New Years, going places or doing things with full conscience. So many times this year I've gone forward with blinders on, relied on others to forge a path that I could follow, it seemed easier that way. When I started this blog it was for reasons I wasn't completely aware of, but then I started to type the stories of my life, the things that so often defined me - or at least I thought they did. I used to think that the easiest task was keeping people out but over the past year I've discovered it's easier to let people in than to keep building walls. So I'm here now, forging my way on to something else, something better. I used to think life would be an easier proposition, but it isn't. I used to want something from every person I loved - acceptance. I used to think that perfection was the only thing that could make me desirable, but I was wrong. Now I know life is hard, but that's ok because every day I grow strong enough to endure it. Now I love without expectations, that's what love is supposed to be. I'm not perfect and now I believe that's what makes me worth knowing, worth loving. This new song I've looped in the background is by Kasey Chambers and it's named "the Captain." We all need someone to lead us - sometimes, but eventually we have to grab a hold of the wheel and set sail on a new course. There's a line in that song, "I tend to run away and hide," well that was me last year, this year - I'm done hiding.

9 Comments:

  1. Just Some Gal said...
    This is a wonderful post NWC! Thank you for the nice comment too. Jimmy talks but only when & if its neccessary. It bugs me and last night I was feeling rather down because a mom that has a boy nearly the same age said her son is SPELLING! wtf?

    Anyways, I've definitely learned that loving without expectations is the best kind of love to give. My son has taught me that mostly.

    ((hugs))
    NML said...
    Happy new year and belated happy birthday. I have some catching up to do as for some reason I have missed the last few posts. I always enjoy your posts and find you inspiring. It's great to have somewhere like your blog where you inadvertently learn about yourself. I refuse to hide any longer and I feel very positive about what that will mean to my life as things gradually change. Grab the wheel NWC and enjoy the ride {hug}
    WDKY said...
    Mmmm... you sound strong, and assertive, and self-aware. Intoxicating x
    kimmyk said...
    'atta girl !
    sirreene said...
    Believe it or not we do get better with age. Happy Birthday and Happy New Year!
    sirreene said...
    ...that is as long as we learn from our mistakes!
    gone said...
    I just watched another year of my life pass me by. as well. Great post, Chic. Great.
    e.e. said...
    my favorite lines... "you be the captain... and I'll be no one... and you can carry me away if you want to..."
    Caterpillar said...
    You go, NWC!!! I love how positive you sound in this post, and how strong.

    The song is so wonderful, too!

    You've put a smile in my heart!

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