It’s time
4 months ago
1/24/2006
I've been through a lot in my life, come through most of it a pretty strong person. But tonight as I sit here typing this post I've found out that I have a weak spot. My daughter has been waking up the past few nights just when it's time for me to go to bed. I try to be really quiet so that she doesn't hear me, her door is shut, the lights are off...but still she senses my presence. The ritual of the past nights has become that I go and sit on my bed, feet firmly planted on the ground so I don't run to her too quickly. I sit for what seems like an eternity until her screams get too much for any human heart to bear. I go to her, hold her, kiss her forehead and tell her mommy loves her. Her reply every night has been, "Alice lay down with mommy?" My God, what sort of mother am I to deny this precious little being? Well I've read all the books, I've watched Dr. Phil, I know if I start letting her come sleep with me it'll be pure hell getting her to go back to her own bed. But really my bed is big enough and the thought of her little warm body pressed into my curves is really appealing. Her breath on my face, her baby soft smell permeating my nostrils...yes it sounds almost like heaven. But wait...no I cannot be weak. I lay her down, scratch that...she's clinging to me so tightly there is no possibility of laying this child down again so I hug her and put her back in her bed while I pry her tiny little fingers from around my neck, she sobs so uncontrollably as if her heart has just been ripped from her chest, yet still I leave her there - in her space. She screams my name, "mommy, mommy," and now I feel it too, my heart is being ripped apart. Usually I go back to my bed, get under the covers, and wait. Did you know that in 2 minutes you can count over a thousand sheep? I swear those 2 minutes are the longest I've ever experienced in my life. As she finally quiets down, her breathing returns to normal...and so does mine. I've wondered why all of a sudden she's decided she needs me to make it through the night, she slept so peacefully for the first two years of her life. Part of me hopes she's over it soon but if I'm honest there's a bigger part of me that secretly longs to hear that cry at night. Yes I'm selfish, I like to be needed. I know too soon she won't be clinging to me, she'll be pushing me away. So it's ok right? I can hold on to her for now. I wonder if she knows that I need her just as much.
16 Comments:
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Personally, I'd say it's not about how much you love each other, though, it's about all of you getting enough sleep that you can function properly every day. I think you're doing the right thing, even if it feels like you aren't.
Hang in there , you are doing your best and it will work out.
Thanks for sharing,
Tab
Hugzzzz
Minerva
A part of life yes...
A painful thing to do... Absolutely...You may as well tear my very heart from me and grind broken glass into it.
*sigh*
I feel only tenderness for you NWC. ((hugs))
He's almost 14 now, and though he always kisses me goodnight, he's been quite content in his own bed for many years! It will pass, I promise.
I see you,
JJ