1/16/2006

leaving it all behind

I went on vacation to relax, rejuvenate, and to leave some pieces of myself behind. Pieces that have become to heavy to carry, pieces that weigh me down so that I often find it too hard to forge ahead. I was able to succeed - somewhat. Although I came back with more than I expected, still I was able to clear the fog from my head. The ocean has a sort of healing power, washing over you and exposing even the best kept secrets. As I sat on the beach watching the waves crash against the shore, it felt as though I were watching the stories of my life. So many times I've been pulled out to sea, lost in something bigger than myself, only to come crashing back to some reality that throws me off course again. But this time, when the motion moved me, I let it. My life - here in reality, is filled with pain that I've held on to. I'm not sure why I do that but somehow the pain that has so haunted me has become company. Sometimes we get so used to the pain that when it starts to subside we find some way to bring it all back to the surface. The pain becomes all we know and trying to escape it seems near impossible. I thought I knew the source of all my pain, parts of my childhood, the sins of my father and the men I wrapped myself around trying to rewrite history. Some of the pain, I created myself, partly as an excuse. If I was in pain, then I didn't have to worry about healing. Sometimes healing is harder to deal with than the wound itself. The ocean is filled with salt water and we all know salt may burn a wound but it also helps it heal. I let that water wash over me and I can feel it now - I'm starting to heal. I left some things behind at that vacation hide away, but I brought something back too - strength.

5 Comments:

  1. k o w said...
    I swear you should be charging us to read you. I would pay to read your words everyday as they are so right on the money.
    Welcome back.

    Quit the day job and write a book. Seriously.
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    I find the ocean to be the most calming place for me. It too is where I go to meditate and reflex. I always feel better after being there. Let the waves carry out all your stress and problems away with the tide. In with the good - out with the bad.
    I see you,
    JJ
    e.e. said...
    Thank God for life's moments of reflection and rejuvenation.
    And as you once told me, forgiveness to yourself is a start on the right path.
    At least, I think you said that... ;)
    Healing can take a lifetime.
    But that's okay, because knowing you are healing along the way is the most rewarding thing.
    Smile.
    Take a deep breath.

    Welcome back.
    Just Some Gal said...
    This was incredible to read... I'm gald you had such a cleansing and healing vacation.

    Welcome home NWC.

    ((hugs))
    unforgiving b*tch said...
    Glad you're back....

    :-)

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