Some Words...

Have you ever tried to control everything around you? Everything that affected you? I have, I mean I do. Sometimes it can be an annoying trait, even to me, but as much as I try to let it go, relinquish control - I can't. I sometimes say that I have no interest in controlling the things that have nothing to do with me, I'm flexible like that. In reality everything in your life affects you. Things you see, things you hear, people you know..and sometimes even people you don't know. Once, I was in denial that I was a control freak, well maybe freak is a harsh word, I am a control maniac. Better eh? When I was young I controlled nothing. I couldn't control how much my father drank, how much my parents fought, how much life - hurt me. It seemed that everything I knew, every bit of my experience - was controlled by outside forces. You know that saying, "people only hurt you as much as you let them?" I never believed that statement because as much as I tried, people hurt me, regardless of how I felt about it. As I grew older I watched my mother go from being the 'dominated' to the 'dominator'. She survived her life the only way she knew how - by controlling it. So I watched her and I learned. It took me a long time to realize that I had the power to control things. It took me many broken hearts and sleepless nights to stand up and say, "I'm not taking this anymore." Although my plan seemed full proof I forgot to figure in a few pertinent factors, people will only be controlled as much as they want to be. Ironic isn't it because that means your control over them is really controlled by them. Now that I know this tidbit I realize that is exactly what happened to me. I let people control me, control how I felt, and control how I reacted. One day I stopped letting them - control me. I guess just like everything in life there has to be a fine balance between control and loss of it. You have to know when to lay down your sword and when to hold up your white flag. It's not easy...oh it's so not easy. The thing is that if you keep trying to control your world you will actually lose the very thing you are trying to gain - security. We control things because we want to know the outcome, we want to ensure that our hearts are safe, our worlds are peaceful, are existence is what we want it to be. Each day will become a battle, between the things you can control and the things you cannot.

I'm learning, slowly but surely that the things I can control are much less in number than the things that are beyond my control...but it's ok, because you know what? I'm actually not as tired as I used to be. We can really only control one thing in this life - ourselves.