It’s time
4 months ago
11/02/2005
She's screaming again, my mother that is. My dad has been caught red-handed with his hussy, that's what my mom calls his girlfriends. He's begging her to forgive him, he's sorry, he won't do it again - even though this is the fourth time he's been caught. I'm hiding in my closet, I like it there because it's dark and quiet and no one knows that I cleared a space where only a 11 year old can fit. I wonder if she'll let him stay this time. She asked me where we go after he picks me up from school, it was almost like she already knew - but I lied and told her we just drive around. Yesterday he made me wait in his truck for a whole hour while he called on a 'client', he sells life insurance on the side because being a teacher doesn't pay much - that's what daddy says. Sometimes I get so tired of waiting in that truck, but I don't want to make daddy mad - so I stay. I know I'm not supposed to lie, but if I tell the truth, daddy will have to leave again. Mommy seems so angry, she cries a lot too. When I grow up I never want to fall in love, it hurts too much.
I used to think my mom was the strongest person I knew. After all she endured a lot of pain from my dad and she stayed with him longer than she should have. I know now that staying is the easy thing to do, leaving is the part that makes you strong. I remember hating my mom for making my dad leave, and I told her every chance I got. I hated that she put me on the spot and asked me about his girlfriends, because she knew that my dad flaunted them in front of me. He called them 'friends' but even at 11 I somehow knew that his friends were much different than the friends I had; I doubt they skipped rope or chased butterflies. I loved my dad, so I defended him by lying to my mother. It still amazes me to this day that at such a tender age I learned to lie not only to my mom, but to myself. In our minds, people can become what we want/need them to be - not what they really are. My dad was my hero, but in reality he was the reason I have a hard time trusting people. I still remember the day he left, for good. My mom had just finished drilling me about who we see when we take these drives after school, I was weak that day, I told her daddy sees clients. I guess that's all she needed for confirmation because she marched right into the front room, turned off the tv and told him to pack his bags. He shouted at her to leave him alone, she shouted back that she knew where he went after he picked me up from school each day. Silence. I think it was the first time I'd ever seen my dad speechless. And then it happened. Daddy looked at me with the coldest eyes, the love had gone out of them. "This is your fault," he said. "When you are missing me, you remember that you did this," he shouted. I can still feel my heart breaking inside my chest. I can still feel the tears streaming down my face, they left tracks that I was never able to erase. He left ater that, and he didn't come back. Maybe that's when I started to hate myself instead of my mom.
I'm older now and more grown up. A few thousand tears and some very deep scars later, I'm learning not to hate myself and to love my dad again. It takes such a long time to forget things, and sometimes it never happens. That kid back then, that little girl who loved her dad - she believed that forgiving someone could change who that person was. I know now that forgiving someone is for you, not for them. So many lessons this girl has learned, so many more still waiting.
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Obviously: It was HIS fault. His behavior. He never should have put you in that position.
You keep on hugging yourself from me and forgive yourself every single day.
And yes, staying really is the easy road. So, so true.
I love your honest sharing, and I think this blogging thing does help in the healing process... its a form of sharing... thanks. :)
How are you today?
Hey Shan - I'm doing good today, thanks for asking.