It’s time
4 months ago
11/07/2005
I had sex over the weekend, and it was great. Some of you might think..so what but really when you have a kid, a full time job, a semi-social life, finding time for sex really is hard.
I was trying to remember the first time I realized that sex wasn't love. Maybe I should rephrase, I'm trying to remember when I 'accepted' the fact that sex wasn't love. It was a long time ago, I was a different person then. I almost laugh at that memory of a naive girl who thought her 'technique' could actually make a man love her, or worse - keep him from leaving. Who teaches us girls that anyway, that sex and love are intertwined with each other? Why is it that we girls grow up wanting to 'make love' and boys grow up wanting to screw. Ironically, most of the time it's the girl that ends up screwed when all is said and done. I should have learned that sex and love were separate after I lost my virginity to a boy who left me after he got what he wanted, but I didn't. I kept believing, kept convincing myself, that if I had sex with a boy/man - he must love me or soon would. That belief, caused me a lot of broken hearts. I can remember being devastated after I had sex with someone and in the morning I wasn't any more special that I was before I took off my clothes. I remember the walk back home, the walk of shame - some call it. I can almost bet that it was a guy that came up with that term. Eventually I was able to separate the two - love and sex. I was able to have sex with a man that I had absolutely no feelings for. Now that's an accomplishment isn't it? I even found some guys that fell into the same trap I'd been in, they thought because I had sex with them, it meant I actually wanted to date them. I broke some hearts, but I didn't care because when you decide that the world should pay for the injustices done to you, everyone's a casualty. So there it was, love and sex are separate and I thought that was fact. No more walk of shames for me, I walked with my head held high, at least for awhile. Then one guy, one time, told me he'd never met a woman like me. Maybe that sounds like a good thing, but it wasn't. Turns out he didn't want a woman unlike any other, he wanted one that believed sex was more than an act of pleasure. He wanted a woman like the girl I'd chased away. I was getting screwed again, only this time it didn't leave me with a smile on my face. It's hard to go back to something you ran away from, something you tried to erase because you thought it was a lie, only to find out it was the only truth worth believing in. I look back on things I've done and sometimes I'm ashamed. Ashamed that I gave up values and beliefs out of fear. Really that's what it is called when you stop believing in something just to protect yourself. Holding on to yourself, your beliefs, can be the scariest thing in the world.
So anyway, I had sex this weekend and you know what - it wasn't because I loved him but the separation of love and sex no longer exists. Now it's all wound up in each other and one part can't exist without the other. Ok, it could exist but it doesn't and the funny thing is if the sex part went away, the love part would still have a chance to remain but not vice versa. Now how's that for irony.
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What a great post.
As for the love/sex conundrum, I think I've got to grips with it. I love sex when I'm emotionally involved, and I love sex when I'm not. The thing that seems to matter is the intent. (Well, that probably needs a post, so I'll think about it some more...)
cheers,
- el
Peace,
JJ
Alot of reflecting going on around here...good for you...and good for you gettin ya some this weekend.
'Atta girl !