11/07/2005

Walk of Shame

I had sex over the weekend, and it was great. Some of you might think..so what but really when you have a kid, a full time job, a semi-social life, finding time for sex really is hard.

I was trying to remember the first time I realized that sex wasn't love. Maybe I should rephrase, I'm trying to remember when I 'accepted' the fact that sex wasn't love. It was a long time ago, I was a different person then. I almost laugh at that memory of a naive girl who thought her 'technique' could actually make a man love her, or worse - keep him from leaving. Who teaches us girls that anyway, that sex and love are intertwined with each other? Why is it that we girls grow up wanting to 'make love' and boys grow up wanting to screw. Ironically, most of the time it's the girl that ends up screwed when all is said and done. I should have learned that sex and love were separate after I lost my virginity to a boy who left me after he got what he wanted, but I didn't. I kept believing, kept convincing myself, that if I had sex with a boy/man - he must love me or soon would. That belief, caused me a lot of broken hearts. I can remember being devastated after I had sex with someone and in the morning I wasn't any more special that I was before I took off my clothes. I remember the walk back home, the walk of shame - some call it. I can almost bet that it was a guy that came up with that term. Eventually I was able to separate the two - love and sex. I was able to have sex with a man that I had absolutely no feelings for. Now that's an accomplishment isn't it? I even found some guys that fell into the same trap I'd been in, they thought because I had sex with them, it meant I actually wanted to date them. I broke some hearts, but I didn't care because when you decide that the world should pay for the injustices done to you, everyone's a casualty. So there it was, love and sex are separate and I thought that was fact. No more walk of shames for me, I walked with my head held high, at least for awhile. Then one guy, one time, told me he'd never met a woman like me. Maybe that sounds like a good thing, but it wasn't. Turns out he didn't want a woman unlike any other, he wanted one that believed sex was more than an act of pleasure. He wanted a woman like the girl I'd chased away. I was getting screwed again, only this time it didn't leave me with a smile on my face. It's hard to go back to something you ran away from, something you tried to erase because you thought it was a lie, only to find out it was the only truth worth believing in. I look back on things I've done and sometimes I'm ashamed. Ashamed that I gave up values and beliefs out of fear. Really that's what it is called when you stop believing in something just to protect yourself. Holding on to yourself, your beliefs, can be the scariest thing in the world.

So anyway, I had sex this weekend and you know what - it wasn't because I loved him but the separation of love and sex no longer exists. Now it's all wound up in each other and one part can't exist without the other. Ok, it could exist but it doesn't and the funny thing is if the sex part went away, the love part would still have a chance to remain but not vice versa. Now how's that for irony.

15 Comments:

  1. k o w said...
    I think more people need to separate the idea that sex is love. I'm not having sex with you because I really love you secretly, I'm having sex with you because it's 3am, I'm horny, and your in the room and willing.
    NewYorkMoments said...
    So, sex can be sex and love, or it can be sex for pleasure. My mother, who's in her 50's never learned this. I tried to explain it to her, but gave up.
    Just Some Gal said...
    Its amazing how easy sometimes it is to make having sex can make for a messy (emotionally) situation. I know I can seperate myself emotionally but its not always easy. I really loved reading this.

    What a great post.
    WDKY said...
    You're really taking a good look at yoirself, aren't you? I hope it's feeling like a positive experience, but I'd suggest you don't flaggelate yourself too much... what I've learnt is that noner of our mistakes are unique. We're all just human.

    As for the love/sex conundrum, I think I've got to grips with it. I love sex when I'm emotionally involved, and I love sex when I'm not. The thing that seems to matter is the intent. (Well, that probably needs a post, so I'll think about it some more...)
    Networkchic said...
    WDKY, I don't think I'm flagellating myself really. It's more a journey to self discovery and sometimes that means taking steps back and looking at yourself and the way that you think or thought about certain things. It's helping...I feel like every day I can live with myself a little more and actually like this person I've decided to be.
    WDKY said...
    Well, I'm really pleased for you. I'm a bit cross that you had sex though ;-)
    maria rocio said...
    Ah, I have always shown love through sex. But then, I have had good luck. Oh, it's not all been wine and roses, but it has always been circumstances being larger than we could handle.
    ... jacek ... said...
    i had sex this weekend too :P no love though, just sex, and to be honest, it's all getting a bit trite. I think I'm going to go right on ahead and try to get into a meaningful relationship sooner then later, good post NWC.


    cheers,

    - el
    Shannon said...
    sometime you just need to get laid... LOL and there is nothing wrong with it... LOL so hope it was good... I had sex this weekend too with my Hot Husband :) and I love him... but mostly we were horny... LOL
    NML said...
    Great post as usual. I love the introspection. It's a long time since I thought that sex isn't love. Sad really. Kudos for getting laid though. Sometimes you need a good seeing to and enjoy it. Who knows when you'll get it next?
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    What is sex? I forgot? I think I'm a virgin again.
    Peace,
    JJ
    kimmyk said...
    I didn't have sex this weekend.

    Alot of reflecting going on around here...good for you...and good for you gettin ya some this weekend.

    'Atta girl !
    badgerbob said...
    Can you be a little more explicit, (I meant specific), about the sex you had? It may help me understand a little better. If that's not a good reason, chalk it up to my perverse nature.
    it's all about me said...
    Good post. I love following your voyage of self discovery. I think there are many different kinds of sex, and they are right for certain moods, to fulfil certain desires, and match the place your head is in at a given moment. But I do think the best sex of all is intimate sex, and that only really happens when you really 'get' the other person.
    Sky said...
    As usual an excellent post and as usual it makes me think about my own life and to be quite honest I am jealous you were getting some and I wasn't!

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