7/18/2006

dreaming loneliness

They say when you are pregnant you tend to have vivid dreams and I have to agree. Lately I've been dreaming things so vividly that I wake up sobbing or angry because I can't figure out if it was real or a figment of my imagination. Supposedly I'm a text book case because when you are pregnant you tend to dream about old relationships and unresolved issues from your past. You can probably imagine that my mind is in overdrive when I sleep because I seem to have a plethora of both of those things. The problem I have with dreaming about old relationships is that I seem to be reliving the pain along with the memory. The dreams are not exactly historically correct but they are pretty darn close. Sometimes the faces change or the names, but the result is always the same...someone is always leaving me. The strange thing is that sometimes in my dreams I put someone that's never left me, like my husband, into a memory where I was abandoned. The pain feels familiar but worse if that makes any sense. Sometimes I wake up so pissed off at myself for falling into the same old pattern that I spend at least half the day trying to convince myself it was just a dream and nothing else. I'm not sure I believe that theory though. When you sleep your inhibitions are low so every insecurity you have surfaces. If I wanted to spend more time analyzing my dreams I could probably come to the conclusion that some part of me fears being alone. Some part of me believes that this guy will also leave me stranded. I suppose fear resides where insecurities thrive. I better work harder on laying those parts of me to rest so I can actually get some rest.

Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you. I think my book will be a best seller.

7 Comments:

  1. Christine said...
    hope you have lots of rest because of working hard--
    Michelle said...
    I have raised my son for 13yrs by myself, and often think that me not wanting any more children is for the simple fact that I fear of doing it all over again alone. It is hard for me to give advice since I still have this fear, but I have learned that no matter what happens, I have me and I do not need anyone else to live and thrive. You are your own best friend, as long as you stand by you, you can do anything.
    Caterpillar said...
    You've analyzed yourself perfectly already, and you know they are just dreams but I can understand the underlying fear as well. And I also understand when a dream, even though you know it's just a dream, can haunt you throughout the day with its memory - and I hate that.

    I hope your hormones let up just a little bit so you can have good sleep again and not have slightly disturbed days because of bad dreams. Have a happy Tuesday and enjoy the cooler weather!!
    Shannon said...
    hey NWC!!! I know about those dreams :)
    I also had them when I first got sober, but they were so horrifing, I think sometimes there is nothing for us to do, but endure and not worry to much about our dreams.. they are only dreams...
    I hope that you can get some restful sleep soon... you will need it with a little one coming again...
    OH by the way we found out our daughter will be having a girl... Alexis Marie
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    What does it mean when you can't remember your dreams......I rarely remember mine.
    I see you,
    JJ
    keda said...
    oh baby.. i remember so many dreams so like you describe from my pregnancy.
    it is an amazing time, scary yet hopeful. i think our minds need to put us through the wringer a bit so that we come out at the end we have made some sense of our past weaknessess in order that we can be stronger.
    that and all the raging hormones. ick.
    NML said...
    Maybe you should write down the dreams - they may be giving you some sort of closure signal.

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