Some Words...

I did it...I made it through an entire weekend without apologizing for something that wasn't my fault. At times it was stressful because a certain somebody kept looking at me waiting for me to say I'm sorry. I never realized how often I must say those words for someone to expect them so easily. It's hard breaking a pattern you've become so accustomed to but it also feels wonderful being able to walk away with your self respect in order. I also ended up talking to my dad last night as I usually do on Sundays and I asked him if saying your sorry makes up for things we've done wrong. I suppose I was asking because he's said those words to me so many times but they never seemed to make a difference, the pain was still there. He told me that he'd told so many people he was sorry in his lifetime that he'd lost track of what he was supposed to be sorry for. Part of me wanted to remind him but the larger part understood exactly what he meant. And then he told me something that did make a difference, he told me that beyond his sorry's he was ashamed that he relied on words to ease his own guilt. Instead of telling me he was sorry he should have said, I want things to be different, I want to take back the actions I've thrown into your world that caused you to ever feel sorry for things you had no control over. That's it isn't it? Us people that apologize for actions not our own, we are trying in our own desperate way to gain a tiny bit of control.

Someone told me recently to make it simple, go with the flow, avoid conflict. I've been doing that my whole life and what I really ended up with is a whole mess of complications. I've said it before and I'll say it again, be accountable. Own what is yours and leave the rest behind.

Hope you have a fab Monday...I'm off to get my wisdome teeth pulled. Let's hope I come back at least 1/2 as smart as I was before. :-)