7/24/2006

wisdom

I did it...I made it through an entire weekend without apologizing for something that wasn't my fault. At times it was stressful because a certain somebody kept looking at me waiting for me to say I'm sorry. I never realized how often I must say those words for someone to expect them so easily. It's hard breaking a pattern you've become so accustomed to but it also feels wonderful being able to walk away with your self respect in order. I also ended up talking to my dad last night as I usually do on Sundays and I asked him if saying your sorry makes up for things we've done wrong. I suppose I was asking because he's said those words to me so many times but they never seemed to make a difference, the pain was still there. He told me that he'd told so many people he was sorry in his lifetime that he'd lost track of what he was supposed to be sorry for. Part of me wanted to remind him but the larger part understood exactly what he meant. And then he told me something that did make a difference, he told me that beyond his sorry's he was ashamed that he relied on words to ease his own guilt. Instead of telling me he was sorry he should have said, I want things to be different, I want to take back the actions I've thrown into your world that caused you to ever feel sorry for things you had no control over. That's it isn't it? Us people that apologize for actions not our own, we are trying in our own desperate way to gain a tiny bit of control.

Someone told me recently to make it simple, go with the flow, avoid conflict. I've been doing that my whole life and what I really ended up with is a whole mess of complications. I've said it before and I'll say it again, be accountable. Own what is yours and leave the rest behind.

Hope you have a fab Monday...I'm off to get my wisdome teeth pulled. Let's hope I come back at least 1/2 as smart as I was before. :-)

7 Comments:

  1. Tab said...
    lol...I am sure you will go home just as wise...but part frozen :P
    sirreene said...
    Good for you for sticking to your goals and not apologizing. You need to do what is right for you. And I hope you have soft food at home. It may be awhile before you can eat regular food. I hope you have a speedy recovery. (Yikes, can you take anything for pain??)
    Da Gal said...
    Good Job NWC! I can't imagine apologizing for other's actions. I am glad to see that you are working on that. I think you will see some miraculous changes in your life with the more practice you get with this aspect.

    I hope the tooth extraction went well and that you are home being spoiled now. Take gentle care.
    Caterpillar said...
    I'm so happy for you for sticking with your decision over the weekend, and finding that it was more common than you thought before.

    When you post things that your father writes or says, I'm always blown away.

    I hope you're feeling okay!!! And I hope you were just getting two pulled and not four, and that they weren't impacted!
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    I'm happy you didn't apologize........You kickass!
    How is my cyber God child doing?
    Kicking up a storm?
    I see you and baby too,
    JJ
    Rex said...
    Yuck. There is one way to make a Monday worse.....hope you have a speedy recovery and get back here soon with your wonderful words of wisdom.
    lash505 said...
    We are also not a door mat. good luck on the wisdom teeth.

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