7/21/2006

my apologies

I'm not in a good mood today. I know that there are trials and tribulations to every relationship but when do the trials get verdicts and a sentence handed out? To put it plain and simple, I'm tired of asking for things to get done and it never happening. It's a vicious cycle, the task remains unfinished for days that turn into weeks, I end up doing it myself because I can't stand the fact that it's not done. I get pissed off, my mood shifts, and somehow I've now become the executioner and my husband the martyr. I'll be honest, most of my life seems to go this way and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I've formed this bad habit of apologizing for things that are not my fault. Like...I'm sorry that you lied to me and now I don't trust you. I'm sorry that you can't love me. I'm sorry that you broke your promise to me and now I have lost all faith in you. Why or why do I do that? You know what's more frustrating than apologizing when you are not at fault? That the people responsible actually let you feel sorry. They not only accept your apology, they expect it. Well, things have to change for me. Whether it be a broken promise or as small as not doing household chores....I am not going to apologize for something I have no fault in. I've played the big bad wolf too many times when in reality I'm just the little girl in red too frightened to stand up for herself.

I have to wonder, if we stop apologizing for the things we have no fault in will those people that gobble up those apologies stop expecting them? Probably not. There must be a way to own only what is yours and leave the rest by the curbside.

Here's wishing you a weekend with no apologies.

15 Comments:

  1. Michelle said...
    I think that we often apologize for things that are not our fault not because we are weak and too frightened to stand up for ourselves, I think it is to resolve the conflict. If we take the first step that the conflict will be resolved and we can move on. We may walk away with baggage from it all but in the end at least one party is happy.
    sirreene said...
    I would rather apologize and resolve conflict. Inside I may understand that the other person is in the wrong but they are not as evolved as me (ha) and it is easier for me so I may as well do it to keep things on an even keel. In the long run...who is keeping score? I need to keep my life simple.
    Networkchic said...
    Sirreene..I understand about keeping life simple but the thing is...eventually you start to resent always being the one apologizing and then 'poof' life isn't simple anymore. You know what would make things simple? If we all could just admit when we're wrong...but that's me thinking in another realm.
    CeeCi said...
    Your post described the essense of my 16 year marriage. I still find myself apologizing for things beyond my control, peace at all costs (usually at my expense) has been my MO for as long as I can remember. It's an insidious habit once it starts. It's the ultimate invalidation of what we're thinking, feeling or needing.

    I'm anticipating the day I'll stop apologizing for the simple fact that I exist. I'm getting closer everyday to knowing what a beautiful person I am...no apologies.

    **Big Hugs**
    Caterpillar said...
    Hmmm, I don't usually apologize when I'm not in the wrong, or at least I can't think of when I did - but it might be because I haven't been in a real relationship for so long. But when I am in the wrong, I try to always apologize because it's the right thing to do, to take the responsibility - and I have to believe that me owning up to it and just simply acknowledging it and saying sorry will make both the other person and me feel better.

    And if someone else apologizes to me for something that wasn't their fault or for something that was equally both our faults, I'll tell them that they didn't do anything to apologize for, or that I'm sorry as well.

    Well, this doesn't help you much, but I agree with your decision to stop apologizing when you did nothing to apologize for. Mostly because it causes you even more stress and anger. He should feel bad when he drops the ball, and he should apologize, but you can't control his behavior and you certainly can't control how he feels. So what I'm trying to say is that you can only really control yourself, and it will be a positive step and make you feel better about everything if you stop apologizing when you did nothing wrong.

    I'm sorry that was so poorly written! I hope my point got across - that I like your resolution!!!

    And I hope your frustration leaves and that you have a wonderful weekend!!! Give little Alice many kisses and rub your belly! :)
    WDKY said...
    Hmmmm... maybe its best not to be too dogmatic about these things... bend with the wind, adapt to whatever circumstances you find yourself in... and apologise if you feel you want to. And don't if you don't.

    Well, I'm going to apologise now, for not being around much lately, and just say taske care while I'm away. Love the hair, by the way :-)

    x
    kimmyk said...
    we're alot alike NWC...i'm always apologizing for someone else's actions it seems. i hate it...
    Southern Sweetheart said...
    I can so relate lady. I've always been the one to apologize first too... I've also always been the one to make excuses for the other person just to give myself a reason to let them off the hook. I agree with you, enough is enough. When do we begin to realize that we can't carry the burden for everyone else and when do we realize its ok not to let them off the hook?
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    NWC - I did that for a long time - the apology thing - then one day I stopped. Now I say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way" - "I'm sorry you had a bad day but did you happen to pick up that stuff I asked for?" - I still catch myself doing the other apology every once and a while. Have a great weekend and give cyber God child a kiss for me.
    I see you,
    JJ
    Joe said...
    NWC,

    Thanks for that entry, I think I may be guilty of procrastinating at times...but I do not expect DW to apologize to me for stuff I fail to do.

    Now I should go make a list of things to do (really)
    bornfool said...
    I understand your feelings exactly. Maybe it doesn't help, bat at least you can realize anew that you are not alone.

    I, in a round about way, featured you on my blog today.

    You are in my prayers, my friend.
    Tab said...
    hhmmmm ,,,I can't remember which excellent blogger posted something that went like this...
    we should be living our lives making sure we don't have to make so many apologies along the way..
    its true isn't it?
    You have yourself a good little weekend Net.Kick back when ya can.
    As for all those jobs your Hubby doesn't get done...welcome to the club ...it happens.I no longer get uspset..I just go play WITH him and we will get those pesty jobs done...
    eventually.Hang in there.
    Thanks for sharing ~
    Rex said...
    I just remind myself that this to shall pass, and progress not perfection....
    NML said...
    After a while when the person recognises that you no longer apologise they will have no choice but to adapt their behaviour if they want to be around you. Often instead of focusing on the change that they can make to make us feel better, when we put it back to ourselves, at least we can take control of the results, because if we don't, we feel angry and resentful.
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    I dreamt about you last night......good dream.
    I see you,
    JJ

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