It’s time
4 months ago
8/17/2006
I was reading Caterpillar's blog and her posting about the tough decision she's faced with - ending a relationship that will not go where she wants it to, or staying out of fear that she'll lose the friend she's found. Reading her words has brought back so many memories. Memories not created so long ago. Memories that will probably never fade far enough into my past that some remnant of their pain will not linger. I know that it's not just women that do that, stay in relationships because they keep hoping it will eventually be more than it is. I know men get hurt too. I know this because I have been the one to hurt someone, the one to take and never give. I've been the person that we all despise not because I wanted to be, but because protecting myself made me selfish. It's easy to hate someone because they can't love you the way you want them to but it's much harder to understand them - and then let them go. I think we all get so tied up in the 'understanding' part that we actually start to believe once we do understand, we'll be able to get them to love us the way they should. I've learned something the hard way. Understanding why someone does something doesn't take away the wounds they've inflicted. It doesn't erase what we know or what we feel, it simply exists. We all scream "Understand me." We thrive for it, we claim that if we have it then all is right with the world. But we're wrong. Understanding someone means you don't hate them for their choices but it does not mean acceptance.
So I'm rambling. I suppose I just want to send Cat a message because I'm fearful that it may take much too long for her to 'understand' what I'm saying. In this life there are choices. Choices to stay. Choices to go. Choices to sacrifice. Choices to be selfish. Choices to understand. Choices to be confused. Choices to love ourselves. Choices to abandon ourselves. Choices to listen. Choices to be deaf. Choices to see. Choices to be blind. Choose wisely sweet Caterpillar. Some choices can only be made once.
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If we really choose to accept the pain and the rejection, then we expand our heart to love even more than ever before.
i've been both sides of these kind of situations though. chioces are hard. but life is long to be stuck somewhere we are not really happy, and too short to waste wondering. following our hearts and learning to do it whilst remaining proud and doing our very best to be as kind so that we can is the biggest challenge we often face.
I know, too, from both sides as well. And ultimately, I think as we all get older we relaize that our tolerance for such things dwindles... and things get DO better.
We DO demand happiness more, and with more and more ease.
Sometimes, these lessons, though, we can only learn on our own, in our own way.
This too I know only too well.
I'll be reading this post over a few more times, as well as your comment. It will help me when I'm having weak moments. I know what I need to do, that it's the smart thing to do, and that it will allow me to move forward and have hope for so much more. Reading your words will remind me of all that, and that I'm doing the right thing, and also that I have to think of me and not him, and he's just the way he is - and that's fine - but now I have to make the choice for me. I know it's the right thing to do but oh so hard. But thank you so so so much for this extra strength!!!
Oh and I don't know why my site would make keda's page freeze! I hope that doesn't happen with anyone else!
You're completely wonderful! I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your adorable little Alice, your loving husband and your little boy curled up warm and safe in your belly!
it's that first step that's rough but everything else gets easier once you do it.
Cat knows this (don't you, babe?) like the rest of us. it's just that sometimes we have to... buy a little time, I guess.
Hmmmm... I think I'll go for a run. And, this morning, that's a tougher choice than it might seem.