8/17/2006

Choices

I was reading Caterpillar's blog and her posting about the tough decision she's faced with - ending a relationship that will not go where she wants it to, or staying out of fear that she'll lose the friend she's found. Reading her words has brought back so many memories. Memories not created so long ago. Memories that will probably never fade far enough into my past that some remnant of their pain will not linger. I know that it's not just women that do that, stay in relationships because they keep hoping it will eventually be more than it is. I know men get hurt too. I know this because I have been the one to hurt someone, the one to take and never give. I've been the person that we all despise not because I wanted to be, but because protecting myself made me selfish. It's easy to hate someone because they can't love you the way you want them to but it's much harder to understand them - and then let them go. I think we all get so tied up in the 'understanding' part that we actually start to believe once we do understand, we'll be able to get them to love us the way they should. I've learned something the hard way. Understanding why someone does something doesn't take away the wounds they've inflicted. It doesn't erase what we know or what we feel, it simply exists. We all scream "Understand me." We thrive for it, we claim that if we have it then all is right with the world. But we're wrong. Understanding someone means you don't hate them for their choices but it does not mean acceptance.

So I'm rambling. I suppose I just want to send Cat a message because I'm fearful that it may take much too long for her to 'understand' what I'm saying. In this life there are choices. Choices to stay. Choices to go. Choices to sacrifice. Choices to be selfish. Choices to understand. Choices to be confused. Choices to love ourselves. Choices to abandon ourselves. Choices to listen. Choices to be deaf. Choices to see. Choices to be blind. Choose wisely sweet Caterpillar. Some choices can only be made once.

8 Comments:

  1. DCVita said...
    That was beautiful! I think it is all a part of life and love. We must experience life's lessons in order to grow as indiviuals. The real choice becomes whether or not we choose to learn from them or hold on to them and become bitter individuals.

    If we really choose to accept the pain and the rejection, then we expand our heart to love even more than ever before.
    keda said...
    well put baby. i tried to visit her site but it made my page freeze! :( i'll try later maybe.

    i've been both sides of these kind of situations though. chioces are hard. but life is long to be stuck somewhere we are not really happy, and too short to waste wondering. following our hearts and learning to do it whilst remaining proud and doing our very best to be as kind so that we can is the biggest challenge we often face.
    e.e. said...
    These things, I hope, will wriggle themselves out for her.
    I know, too, from both sides as well. And ultimately, I think as we all get older we relaize that our tolerance for such things dwindles... and things get DO better.
    We DO demand happiness more, and with more and more ease.
    Sometimes, these lessons, though, we can only learn on our own, in our own way.
    This too I know only too well.
    Caterpillar said...
    Thank you from the very bottom of my heart, NWC - it means so much to me not only that you relate so well but also that you care, and it really makes me feel warm and wonderful right now! When I was writing those posts, I was hoping that you would read them and comment - you have such wisdom, see the big picture, and always say the perfect things. And especially in this situation I was hoping for your words!

    I'll be reading this post over a few more times, as well as your comment. It will help me when I'm having weak moments. I know what I need to do, that it's the smart thing to do, and that it will allow me to move forward and have hope for so much more. Reading your words will remind me of all that, and that I'm doing the right thing, and also that I have to think of me and not him, and he's just the way he is - and that's fine - but now I have to make the choice for me. I know it's the right thing to do but oh so hard. But thank you so so so much for this extra strength!!!

    Oh and I don't know why my site would make keda's page freeze! I hope that doesn't happen with anyone else!

    You're completely wonderful! I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your adorable little Alice, your loving husband and your little boy curled up warm and safe in your belly!
    Caterpillar said...
    p.s. Your song is even more perfect today. I see why it gives you strength every day.
    kimmyk said...
    choices for change are the hardest to make. good luck catepillar.

    it's that first step that's rough but everything else gets easier once you do it.
    Troi Toy said...
    hmm...I'm having big identifying moments here...after 2 years, "L" is moving out at month's end...I finally had to draw the line myself on the giving and never getting the return. Also belated congrats on the marriage and the baby! At some point I'll have to get you up to snuff on life's events. Your posts continue to be inspirational. My blog has China pics on it from my summer adventure.
    WDKY said...
    You're so right darling... the choices we make define the life that we live. I guess we have to hope that - for the most part - we get it right, but we can do more than spin a coin. We can try to understand ourselves, and make the choices that are right for us.

    Cat knows this (don't you, babe?) like the rest of us. it's just that sometimes we have to... buy a little time, I guess.

    Hmmmm... I think I'll go for a run. And, this morning, that's a tougher choice than it might seem.

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