10/02/2006

rear view mirror

Thanks for all your comments on my Friday post and it turns out the book Tab recommended is one my mom already has. I asked her if she'd heard of it and she said 'yes'. "Have you read it," I asked not meaning to sound sarcastic. "I suppose it's time to read it again isn't it," she replied? You see, I learned how not to let go from my mother. She dwells on things, things that have passed, things she has no control over, things that matter less then she thinks they do. I can remember the numerous men in her life that fell into that category "needs saving." Even when I think back to the friends she had, most of them needed saving too. I guess she figured that she couldn't save herself so if she helped someone else it might even out the score. Sound familiar? Isn't it funny how strong we become by saving other people yet when the tables turn and it's us that needs a hero, somehow we're paralyzed?

My last attempt to save a man was about 5 years ago and he was the man I moved to Chicago for. I was desperately in love with him but he needed to be saved from himself before he could love me the way I wanted him to. I still remember the day he broke my heart and the pain that consumed me. It was the moment that the last piece of string that held me together - snapped. As much as I hated him for breaking my heart he was also the reason I sought help. There's something about hitting rock bottom that makes you look up because there's nothing left to look down at. Over the weekend I went into the restaurant that he owns like I've done many times since I've put my heart back together and one of my old friends told me that he just got divorced. I remember when he got married only 8 months after we broke up (we'd dated for 2 1/2 years) and I was devastated once again because I wanted that person to be me. I can't say I ever really got over him. I'm a true believer that you never really get over love you just learn how to live without it or to love someone else. I learned how to ache less, how to trust myself enough to allow love back into my life but at times, I still miss him. When I heard that he just went through a divorce I didn't feel any of the satisfaction that I thought I would from his apparent loss; I felt sadness. As much as he hurt me I still loved him and wanted him to be happy even if it wasn't with me. I'm mostly whole now with only tiny bits still missing but my life doesn't belong to that same broken girl who chased after a man that couldn't love her. I left that girl behind and maybe that was the very first step towards walking away.

I thought that I still couldn't do it, walk away from pain and then some higher power sent me a reminder. Sometimes we cannot see the distance between what was and what is. More times than not we spend so much time convincing ourselves to look forward that we forget to glance back to remember where we started. People always tell you that it's looking to the future that saves you but sometimes it's what's in the rear view mirror that moves you in any direction at all.

P.S. I've added a new artist to my list of favorites and to you he's going to be an unknown. Ryan Star was on RockStar Supernova and he won my support after hearing a few of his originals so I bought his cd "Eye of the Elephant". Some of my favorites can be found here and the song I've chosen for Musical Monday is "So Ordinary" which seems to be fitting. I hope you enjoy his music as much as I do.

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8 Comments:

  1. Michelle said...
    This post really hits home with me.
    I am in a 3yr relationship with someone who had a really bad marriage and was broken. Slowly the pieces have been picked up and put back together. Now there is a line there and on one side is what his mind tells him is right and on the other side is what his heart tells him to do and he teaters between the two.
    When you are truely in love with someone it is not easy to look in the rear view mirror but it is easy to look forward to what the future could be like when things are mended and it is that future that we want, that is what we stay for.
    Southern Sweetheart said...
    "People always tell you that it's looking to the future that saves you but sometimes it's what's in the rear view mirror that moves you in any direction at all."

    You have no idea how much this sentence resonates with me....I just wish sometimes that I had wipers on the rear window like I do on the windshied, then maybe I could get somewhere without questioning where I've been.

    Thank you for sharing something so heartfelt -- I relate more than you know.
    lash505 said...
    I have not saved a man.
    Tab said...
    This is why I like you Net..
    you're honest,insightful and loving.

    You are right..we cannot forget where our new journeys starting from..dark places behind us.I hope you will find a little daily read for yourself..eventually it is like coffee..you can't start your day properly with out it..lol
    works for me anyways..I know you will find what works for you :)

    Thanks for sharing~
    kimmyk said...
    My mom told me something that stays with me everyday.

    "You can't save everyone Kimmy, You can only save yourself".

    ************

    I love Ryan Starr btw. I love this song!! Very cool choice for Musical Monday! Thank you for sharing it!
    e.e. said...
    Sigh. Ditto to what Kimmyk said.
    But if saving yourself seems so hard and so overwhelming...???

    I keep coming back and reading... thank you.
    Caterpillar said...
    I LOVED Rock Star: Supernova!! It was my addiction of the summer!

    I'm going to print this post out for my friend, I think it'll help him a little.
    tkdjunkie said...
    That's a beautiful post, Networkchic.

    I've tried to save guys before, but it never worked. I thought the "Beauty & the Beast" story would work in real life. Instead, there were times that it worked in reverse for me!

    Thanks for sharing your ideas here. I've got to remember that I have an imaginary label on me somewhere that says, "This is not a guy-saving device".

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