10/28/2006

resentment

It's hard to believe that it's been four days since I last posted..I usually try to make here more often but life has been getting in the way. I remember myself being more selfish - in some other lifetime. I used to do things I wanted, things I needed, regardless of whether I actually had other commitments. I suppose that's part of growing up isn't it, giving up things that are important to you without a second thought? I'm not sure that's a good thing but it seems to be inevitable. I have to admit that sometimes I resent the fact that I have no time but resenting something and being able to change it are two different things all together. Hell I've lived with so much resentment in my lifetime that I've finally figured out that it's kind of a useless emotion. Mostly all resentment has ever gotten me are years of being able to hide behind the blame I placed on someone else for the way events unfolded in my life. Once, ok maybe twice, I actually resented myself for being so damn self sufficient. I learned at such an early age to take care of myself, or at least to make it appear that way on the outside. I always thought being 'tough' was a good thing. I didn't need anyone but what I found out is that while I focused on being an 'enigma' the whole world learned how to exist around me. I really resented the world for that. And so I got tougher. The thing about being 'untouchable' is that eventually you lose the ability to feel much of anything. We can't live like that...really we can't. And so I stopped resenting the world since they didn't take much notice anyway, and I started resenting myself. Know where that got me? A new place to hide. It's always amazed me how many really good hiding spots there are in plain view of the rest of the world.

Anyway, I've been having moments of resentment lately, falling back into my old ways of making myself believe I really can do 'everything' on my own. The truth is, I can't. The truth is, I resent the hell out of that fact. There is one fatal flaw in making the rest of the world believe you can handle life without their help - they tend to believe you. So I'm sort of stuck. I've never been good at asking for help. I've never been able to admit that sometimes I just can't do everything. I have to learn rather quickly because I'm growing rather weary.

P.S. I miss all of you and I promise to catch up on all my fav blogs by Monday...I actually took a day off work. Maybe that's a start at letting the world see, I am only one person.

11 Comments:

  1. Caterpillar said...
    I'm glad you took a day off, you need to take care of you first so you can take care of everything else. And I think you deserve it!!

    I hope you're having a wonderful weekend!!
    lash505 said...
    I am resentful that your posts are always longer than mine..lol
    keda said...
    oooh sweetie.

    yes me too, very glad you took the day off.

    do take care of you baby. and i know it's hard, but having the courage to ask for help is often a strength rather than a weakness.
    and we already know you are a strong woman.

    but no-one can reach their full potential alone.

    i love your questioning. have a great weekend darling. and enjoy the rest.
    Gwen said...
    Seems many of us have been on the busier side lately. I can fall into family resentments at times. Usually when I am hurt and not getting what I want. Hmmm

    I can relate to taking care of yourself at a young age. I had to also. It was not the best way to take care of myself but it was all I knew. No one showed me how to take care of myself. I have had to learn it all as an adult and am still learning.

    Have a happy Sunday :)
    G~
    kimmyk said...
    You need to slow down...being pregnant on top of your normal routine sort of a day has to be exhausting.

    Good to hear you're taking Monday off. Get some much deserved sleep and put your feet up!
    WDKY said...
    Maybe, sweetheart, you might stop being so hard on yourself? And you know what? Most people love being asked for help.. try it and you'll see x
    CeeCi said...
    "I'll do it myself" was my mantra for a very long time and like you it lead to resentment and exhaustion. I've gotten better at asking for the things I need and for help. WDKY is right, people do like to be asked. Sometimes the hardest part isn't the asking, but the receiving.

    I'm glad you took the day off. It's a good start.

    **Big Hugs**
    ♥ CeeCi
    TJ said...
    I can relate to the feelings you described here on so many levels--time and time again I would allow myself to be "untouchable", until I had almost lost the ability to feel...

    Hope you enjoyed your time off.
    NML said...
    Take it easy and remember that you're not invincible and sometimes you have to let other people do stuff. I go through what you do and it's brain draining. Take care x
    Tab said...
    I hear a hint of acceptance Net.

    Keep open to yourself like this.
    And thank you for sharing it here.

    Sending you your fave comfort food..
    cyber delivery with love:)
    Southern Sweetheart said...
    I could have written this post myself dear friend.

    Slow down and take life at your own pace --- we'll still be here.. :)

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