9/29/2006

walking away

There are some people in this world that have trouble staying but me, I find it hard to walk away. Most times I let the moments pass that are meant to save you from yourself or even more importantly - from other people. I stay beyond the realization that I belong anywhere but where I am. I stay even when the moments of bliss that brought me to a place have all but expired. I endure pain as if it were my destiny. After years of therapy and countless nights spent running away from myself just to allow one more day of staying put, I thought that I'd changed. I stay in friendships that only weigh my wings down - not lift them up. I take rejection personal and then I work harder to be accepted. I cannot walk away from work not because I love the job but because I can't stand to let someone down that depends on me. As I sit here staring out the window I realize that for all my effort, I still have no idea how to put myself first. I want to learn but can I do that without feeling selfish? Sometimes what I really want is to walk away from myself. The self that thinks she can heal every wounded bird that lands on her front doorstep. The self that believes letting others down is a worse fate then letting herself down. The self that sits here tired and broken and wanting to move her feet in the direction of the door - but has no idea how to turn the handle once she gets there.

I always believed that if I stayed it would erase all those moments where I was the one being left behind. I was wrong. Staying doesn't rewrite history - it repeats it.

Have a great weekend.

11 Comments:

  1. Tab said...
    Net,have you got the book called,
    the Language of Letting Go?
    Sometimes,we need a little insight how to put ourselves first..etc.
    If you ever feel like you could use a little personal daily reading,maybe give it a thumb?Otherwise,just keep thinking of new ways to try putting yourself first.We often hide out of fear from something that intimated us many moons ago like it is engraved in
    our character flaws somehow.Letting go showed me how to break out of the old ways of thinking for & of,myself.
    Have a good weekend:)
    Thanks for sharing~
    e.e. said...
    ... so, in a roundabout way, are you trying to tell me something too? Are we sharing the same thoughts today? It seems like it.
    Yes, as Tab said, I think that I have trouble letting go too... and doing things for me. Because it seems so much easier to help others than it is to help myself. I sometimes think there is no saving me, no where to go, so, I live with what I've got.
    But maybe thats the whole deal... the point is, if I save myself, face the unknown, reach for the stars, then what...???
    Will I freefall?
    Gwen said...
    Great post. This stuff just takes so long to learn and sort out. Keep on workin it!

    G~
    Shannon said...
    Hey chica... check out that book that Tab suggested..
    I hope you guys have a good weekend...
    lash505 said...
    ah ha you got me on this one..
    keda said...
    you always make me think sweetie. i've been like this in the past, still fight it.

    check out tabs suggestion. and i wonder if you've ever heard of rob brezney? you might like his pronoia teachings..

    and here's a little prayer.

    ...and i do love how you always wish us a happy weekend no matter how sad things seem. thank you. you too baby.
    Ashley said...
    " I stay in friendships that only weigh my wings down"

    I am the same.
    It's hard to let og friendships, even if they aren't strong ones. But there must be a reason you're still holding on, right?

    By reading this, I can tell you have a big heart. I'm sure you are truly envied by more than you know. You might not realize it, but I'm sure many around you appriciate all that you do.

    You are not a selfish person by any means at all. and dont EVER let that thought cross your mind if you do something for yourself for once.

    Keep your head up, hun. =)
    kimmyk said...
    I've been thinking alot about this.

    I wish I had answers, I can visually see myself moving forward in a direction for myself but I can't seem to pick up my feet and do it.

    Ive started weeding out those that are weighing me down...it's hard. And very emotional to say the least.

    I hope you and yours had a great weekend!
    Shannon said...
    Hey missy... hope you weekend is good...
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    Hey NWC - I think this post I made is for you.
    http://areasonaseasonalifetime.blogspot.com/2006/09/let-it-go.html
    It's a repost of an old one but sometimes I need to remind myself.
    I see you,
    JJ
    Steve said...
    "staying" is what Freud would call a "death drive"...

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