9/22/2006

touch my heart

Ten years ago today I got my very first tattoo. It took me forever to decide what I wanted because it had to be something feminine, something subtle, something you could only see - if I let you. Ten years ago I had just left my husband and had gotten involved with a verbally and physically abuse man. I suppose that in a way, I was punishing myself for not being able to love a 'good man' the way he deserved so I sought out a man that would treat me like the loser that I felt I was. My heart was in a million pieces and I had absolutely no hope that it would ever be whole again. Hell, I wasn't even sure it was ever whole to begin with. So as I pondered what sort of 'mark' I was going to brand my body with, there really was only one option that seemed appropriate - a heart. It's a plain, simple little red heart placed near my left hip at the top of my left butt cheek. I remember feeling foolish as I laid on my stomach with my bum exposed on that cold hard parlor table. The tattoo artist had beautiful tattoos covering most of his body and here I was feeling brave for enduring one tiny 'label'. He could see that I was nervous, that I was unsure, and he touched my arm and said, "at least you aren't wearing your heart on your sleeve." I had to laugh because he didn't realize how true that was; I'd never been able to let my guard down long enough to put my heart anywhere, let alone my sleeve. So I got my little heart branded on my bum and I hid it from everyone for a very long time. I'd occasionally look at it in the mirror and it became more of a reminder that I had a heart and less of a 'statement' of my individuality.

Every morning as I'm dressing for work and Alice lays in my bed watching Dora, she jumps out of bed and races to my side, "Touch mommy's heart," she asks? She puts her tiny little finger right on top of my 'heart' and smiles. "It's a pretty heart," she says. "Yes it is," I reply and finally I actually believe it.

Someday I'm going to tell Alice how much it meant to me that she 'touched my heart' and how lucky I am that she came into this world to remind me that I had one.

Have a wonderful weekend.

11 Comments:

  1. Gwen said...
    OMG ~ You and Alice just "touched my heart" ~ thank you for sharing that story. It is sweet in many ways.

    G~
    Ashley said...
    Wow.
    Geart story.
    Thank you for letting me have something to think about today.
    lash505 said...
    That is awesome and what sweet yet beautiful words.
    Caterpillar said...
    That was such a perfect and beautiful story, and the most perfect ending!! Thank you for putting a big smile in my heart!!! :)
    Tab said...
    What a sweet post Net..
    You and your Alice there are awesome.
    Thanks for sharing!
    Rex said...
    Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope and touching my heart as you do so.
    WDKY said...
    Oh, to get but a glimpse of that heart of yours... and your Alice is such a lovely girl. Apologies for not stopping by for a while, but I'll ctach up properly when I get back x
    Mellissa said...
    Every time I come here, I leave with a "wow". You're a great writer and an imaginative raconteur.

    xoxo,
    Ladybug
    Christine said...
    how wonderful you allow Alice to 'touch your heart' in so many ways-- I was so focused on other things I'm afraid I missed so many small moments with my boys-- so beautiful you are so open to her
    Christine said...
    how wonderful you allow Alice to 'touch your heart' in so many ways-- I was so focused on other things I'm afraid I missed so many small moments with my boys-- so beautiful you are so open to her
    Chuck said...
    You're a great mom.

Post a Comment