9/20/2006

sick of the view


Someone told me once that the only person who can control your life, is you. I've battled with this theory my whole life because most of my life I've blamed other people for the things that happened to me. I blamed my father for teaching me that trusting in people essentially meant letting yourself be hurt. I blamed my mother for teaching me that it was ok to a let a man treat you badly as long as they claimed to love you. I blamed people but I never blamed myself. I convinced myself that I had no control over how I turned out because circumstance makes you who you are and there's nothing you can do about it.

I can't remember exactly when I realized that I was in control of my own destiny. Maybe it was the moment I accepted that my self destruction was entirely of my own doing. I know things happen to us. Things that hurt us, damage us, scar us in ways that seem unrepairable, but what we choose to do with those things - is our choice. I've had many pity parties for myself and every time I've been the only guest. I've found that as much as people are drawn to tragedy, they are not drawn to misery. People can love you, support you, but even the best of friends refuse to stand on the sidelines and watch you self destruct. Once a very good friend told me she loved me and then walked out of my life. I hated her for a very long time because I thought she abandoned me when I needed her most. Years later when our paths crossed again I asked her why she left me behind. She replied, "I didn't leave you behind, I stepped out of the way so you could see your own reflection."

We often base our opinion of ourselves on what other people see in us. We measure the success of our lives by someone else's standards. We give control over the most important parts of ourselves to someone else because we're too afraid to grab hold of the reins and navigate our own path. We seek, we follow, we fall. And then we get up not because we're tired of laying on the ground, but because we're sick of the view from someone else's eyes.

Yesterday someone said, "this is how I see you...". My reply, "It's a good thing we're looking in different mirrors."

As my wise old grandfather always said, "If you don't like the view from where you are, turn around and look in a different direction."


Happy Half Nekkid Thursday HNT_1

10 Comments:

  1. e.e. said...
    my God, this post means so much to me. You are in my head articulating everything that I cannot.
    I can't figure out whether or not to scream at you or hug you.
    Of course, I can do neither. I am left with no choice but to read, listen, and I hope, learn.
    From these words, I take strength.
    Southern Sweetheart said...
    Wow. I always find strength here. always.

    I may just have to save this one to re-read many times.
    Chuck said...
    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
    Chuck said...
    It's hard to really learn we're both victim and agents. If we see ourselves as victims we become impotent to change. Too much as agents and we become megalomaniac. Both are to our social peril. The rub is that it's so darn hard to keep balance and not fall into one side or the other.
    Rex said...
    Wow, I'm so totally right where you are right now. Great stuff, thanks for sharing.
    ~TVS said...
    very insightful
    Mellissa said...
    Thank you for writing for you and for us! You are always an inspirational place to come.

    xoxo,
    Ladybug
    lash505 said...
    I blame you for feeling better from a bad day thanks for the post.
    Caterpillar said...
    I love the quotes you share with us from your family! I've loved all your dad's quotes and now I love this one from your grandfather!
    Christine said...
    I hear what you are saying but it was alo important to be hearing what people said to me after beginning recovery and them telling me I was growing and changing cause I really couldn't see it for myself at that time. I guess the key for me is the who it is who is telling me about me and whether they are trustworthy or not

    have a wonderful weekend darlin'

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