9/13/2006

I believe I can fly

Once I had a dream that I could fly. I climbed up on top of a mountain, firmly planted my feet squarely beneath my shoulders - and jumped. I had no fear of falling. No questions about whether someone would be there to catch me. I leapt before I looked, I spoke before I thought, I lived before contemplation of what may come. I was a child then, even though my years were many in number and technically designated me as an adult. I lived without regret not because I was brave; because I was afraid.

Sometimes clarity only comes when you experience regret. When the mistakes of your past flutter carelessly around your existence until you notice them, acknowledge them, and place them in the archive of your memory. It is then and only then that you can classify yourself as an adult because living a life without forethought or consequence - is called 'childhood'.

In my life there have been many moments where regret has plagued my thoughts but if I'm honest with myself, in those moments there was little ownership of the actions that brought forth that regret. I've discovered that it's damn easy to regret something you've done and quite a harder task to take possession of it. Recently I was listening to someone apologize to me for the way they treated me and immediately following their apology they began to place the blame for their actions back onto me. As I stood there listening to how much control I apparently had over their actions, I remembered being in that place. A place where nothing was my fault and everything that had gone wrong in my life was because of someone else's actions. I remembered that as much comfort as I thought being unaccountable gave me, it also left me powerless to change my life into something better.

Once I had a dream that I could fly. I climbed up on top of a mountain, planted my feet squarely beneath my shoulders - and jumped. I had no fear of falling. No questions about whether someone would be there to catch me. I leapt before I looked, I spoke before I thought, I lived before contemplation of what may come. And then when I hit the ground and the only thing there to break my fall was my own self esteem - I stood up, brushed myself off, and realized only fools jump without a parachute.

8 Comments:

  1. NMAMFQLMSH said...
    What I have learned from skydiving is indeed a parachute is necessary.
    I love you and see you NWC,
    JJ
    Southern Sweetheart said...
    Coming here and reading your words is one of the highlights of my day. You transform an idea into something the mind can grasp with clarity.

    Success is never achieved w/out first having experienced repeated failure - glad you found your parachute and your self esteem.
    e.e. said...
    An amazing, fantastic post.
    I will come back and read this one many, many times.

    Love,
    e.e.
    Christine said...
    growing up has been hard to do
    Michelle said...
    Sometimes I still jump with out a parachute. I am not sure if it is the intial thrill or thoughtlessness on my part. We learn a lot growing up but I stil think sometimes we try to see how far we can push the bar. If you jump in with both feet, they usually get wet.
    Tigress said...
    That was such a cool post. I love the visual of jumping. You wrote this so so so perfectly! Like e.e., I'm going to reread this one a few times!
    Caterpillar said...
    Woops - that last one was me - it's the place where I upload random photos when blogger won't let me upload them to my normal blog, and it's one of two little blogs that I'm experimenting with templates on!
    Anonymous said...
    I believe you are an idiot

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