Some Words...

Have you ever been stuck in a moment? A moment you keep remembering, keep re-living, keep pressing to the front of your brain so it's near impossible to forget? For some time now I've had this moment pulling me back to things already passed. I dream about it, I let thoughts of it consume me as I'm standing in the kitchen drying the dinner dishes. The strange thing is that even when the moment was actually happening, it didn't seem that important. How can something become more important after it's already happened? It's not a moment that defined me, not a moment that completed me, not a moment that even seemed like it was something I'd need to remember for later...at least I didn't think so at the time the moment was occurring. So this morning I'm combing my hair and there it was, the moment flashing back at me as if it were a reflection I'd been trying to escape. Some people say we get stuck in moments because there's something unresolved that we need to deal with. I guess I believe that but how can you resolve something that never appeared to be a problem in the first place? I try to force the moment out of my brain by closing my eyes, refusing to look at it's reflection. I manage to escape it briefly but it leaves this nagging feeling inside my chest that I can't quite define. As I'm riding the train in this morning I close my eyes hoping to block out the images of strangers surrounding me and I let it happen, the moment. I'm remembering several years back when I went to this all night boating party which was supposed to be with my boyfriend but he ended getting pissed off that some guy was flirting me so he left me...I ended up there alone, knowing not a soul. I managed to make a few friends and ended up staying on their boat. Like I said before it was nothing significant. I remember drinking way too much trying to block out the reality that my boyfriend cared more about himself than me. I remember waking up the next morning forgetting where I was and wondering how the hell I was going to get home. I remember...and then it hits me, a moment that wasn't a moment at all rather it was a string of moments wrapped up into a lifetime. The ironic thing about moments is that when you are in them you think you'll remember them always, like tattoos branded on your arm. But moments are not permanent, they fade and sometimes they fade so quickly that you miss the relevance of them.

Today I realized that I'm stuck in a moment not because it was a moment I wanted to remember forever, but because it was a moment I wanted to forget forever. It was a moment that I let define how I would deal with rejection, loneliness, betrayal...by not dealing with it at all. So why now? Why does it resurface six years after it happened? Because not so long ago someone mentioned to me that they had seen my old boyfriend, the one who left me stranded at that party so many years ago. I remember my heart sinking into the pit in the bottom of my stomach but I quickly dismissed the thought that I could still be affected by that man. And then the moments came to me like a thief in the night, stealing something so precious - the facade of strength I display so proudly. The truth is, that moment wasn't insignificant. And so I remember, I get stuck in it, I wrap my sanity around it. What do I do with it now? I feel it. Moments are meant to be felt regardless of their pleasure or pain. So right now, I'm feeling it - the loneliness I felt, the escape I tried to make, the pain of knowing someone can love you but still leave you behind. And when I let it go - finally, the moment will fade into something less.