4/04/2006

stuck in the moment

Have you ever been stuck in a moment? A moment you keep remembering, keep re-living, keep pressing to the front of your brain so it's near impossible to forget? For some time now I've had this moment pulling me back to things already passed. I dream about it, I let thoughts of it consume me as I'm standing in the kitchen drying the dinner dishes. The strange thing is that even when the moment was actually happening, it didn't seem that important. How can something become more important after it's already happened? It's not a moment that defined me, not a moment that completed me, not a moment that even seemed like it was something I'd need to remember for later...at least I didn't think so at the time the moment was occurring. So this morning I'm combing my hair and there it was, the moment flashing back at me as if it were a reflection I'd been trying to escape. Some people say we get stuck in moments because there's something unresolved that we need to deal with. I guess I believe that but how can you resolve something that never appeared to be a problem in the first place? I try to force the moment out of my brain by closing my eyes, refusing to look at it's reflection. I manage to escape it briefly but it leaves this nagging feeling inside my chest that I can't quite define. As I'm riding the train in this morning I close my eyes hoping to block out the images of strangers surrounding me and I let it happen, the moment. I'm remembering several years back when I went to this all night boating party which was supposed to be with my boyfriend but he ended getting pissed off that some guy was flirting me so he left me...I ended up there alone, knowing not a soul. I managed to make a few friends and ended up staying on their boat. Like I said before it was nothing significant. I remember drinking way too much trying to block out the reality that my boyfriend cared more about himself than me. I remember waking up the next morning forgetting where I was and wondering how the hell I was going to get home. I remember...and then it hits me, a moment that wasn't a moment at all rather it was a string of moments wrapped up into a lifetime. The ironic thing about moments is that when you are in them you think you'll remember them always, like tattoos branded on your arm. But moments are not permanent, they fade and sometimes they fade so quickly that you miss the relevance of them.

Today I realized that I'm stuck in a moment not because it was a moment I wanted to remember forever, but because it was a moment I wanted to forget forever. It was a moment that I let define how I would deal with rejection, loneliness, betrayal...by not dealing with it at all. So why now? Why does it resurface six years after it happened? Because not so long ago someone mentioned to me that they had seen my old boyfriend, the one who left me stranded at that party so many years ago. I remember my heart sinking into the pit in the bottom of my stomach but I quickly dismissed the thought that I could still be affected by that man. And then the moments came to me like a thief in the night, stealing something so precious - the facade of strength I display so proudly. The truth is, that moment wasn't insignificant. And so I remember, I get stuck in it, I wrap my sanity around it. What do I do with it now? I feel it. Moments are meant to be felt regardless of their pleasure or pain. So right now, I'm feeling it - the loneliness I felt, the escape I tried to make, the pain of knowing someone can love you but still leave you behind. And when I let it go - finally, the moment will fade into something less.

12 Comments:

  1. e.e. said...
    You are amazingly insightful, reflective, and brilliant.
    And yes, I have oh, SO been there.
    So, yes, we feel it. And we wrap ourselves around it now because we can see it so very clearly now as opposed to before.
    And embracing it, seems to me, is the best way to help let it go, however insignificant it seemed to be at the time -- it obviously was there today for a reason.
    Insight is an incredibly fantastic thing.
    Alexis said...
    Your writing is so powerful. I clutched my heart, felt it with you, was moved...... I'm glad you can feel the moment today and let go of it. What a revelation!
    AAwoken said...
    Nice. Past moments can be oh so powerful. We must be wary on dwelling in the past...
    k o w said...
    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
    k o w said...
    I try not to get "stuck in a moment" but it's happened before.
    I played against an ex's boyfriend in a hockey game and found myself remembering how she would come watch me play. I remembered when we broke up she saying "I will find another hockey player." (seriously that's what she said) and me standing there laughing at such an absurd statement.

    I deleted my last comment, I misspelled serious.
    Networkchic said...
    k o w...I can't believe she said that. Doesn't it suck how cruel insensitive words stick in our brain? Not fair.
    TJ said...
    It's amazing what seemingly insignificant, random things can bring back sudden memories of a moment, both painful and pleasurable.

    I just began to post a series of entries on my blog involving a moment from court that stays with me even today.

    I guess the best we can hope for is that over time, the time we spend stuck in those moments becomes less and less...
    Tosa said...
    I can relate to this so much. I'm stuck in a moment that I keep trying to forget. Little things keep pushing it back to the surface and bringing back those hurt feelings. If you ever figure out a way to let it go, let me know.
    Da Gal said...
    I think you let it go by paying attention to the thoughts and figuring out what there is to learn from them and what part of you was hurt or risked or jeopardized in the situation. A great speaker once said that lifes little lessons will keep re-appearing until you finally get it. I think the thoughts re-appear like you said, when you are ready to handle it and accept it and move THROUGH it... that's the only way. Meg
    kimmyk said...
    there is one moment in my life that i think if i had listened to what was actually said would have changed the last 7 years of my life. i was in shock and didnt hear all the words he uttered....i only heard part of it..if i had stopped to listen who knows where i'd be...but it's that moment i often think about and wonder what if...
    Rex said...
    This is a great post. I have a moment that I have been stuck in for 35 years. I spent 33 of those years drinking and drugging to make it go away and now two years of struggling with sobriety it's still here. I'm learning that the only way for it to go away is to work through it, process it, Feel it, grieve it. Maybe when I've done those things it finally begin to fade but I doubt it will ever go away. I'll just be able to live with it.
    WDKY said...
    It's important to feel it fully, NWC, but also to apply some perspective to it. To re-assess it and what it meant, and means now, to you. I think that's the way we can move on.

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