4/06/2006

Inferior


Ten years ago I left my husband, not because he was bad - because I was. I wasn't bad in the sense that I did cruel things to him or anyone else, I was bad in the sense that I thought I wasn't good enough or nice enough to deserve a man that loved me so. He was a wonderful man, caring and sensitive and he loved me for all that I was and nothing that I wasn't. When I left him I got involved with someone I deemed more appropriate, a jealous, ego maniac, controlling man. I didn't really go in search of him, he just sort of found me. I know now that when you are in that place where you think you deserve less than everyone else, you will find someone that completely agrees with you. I hesitate to use his real name but honestly the man caused me so much grief that I feel I can't make any part of him make believe...not even his name. Mark was probably one of the worst mistakes I've ever made in my life. Before I met him most people considered me a strong woman, independent, willful, not the kind of person to let anyone control her but when I let Mark into my life - that changed. One thing I've learned about control is that just when you think you have the reins of your life gripped securely in your hands, it only takes one strong 'jerk' to pull them free. Mark controlled everything in my life. He once went through my closet and threw out all the clothes he classified as 'slutty'. He told me who I could talk to, who my friends could be, where I could go, what time I should go to bed, how to wear my hair, how often I could speak to my mother. I was never allowed to talk to another man without his permission and if he found out that I did, well then I was the biggest whore around. He had people follow me to make sure I wasn't disobeying his rules. It sounds crazy doesn't it? When I look back at those two years I let him control my life, I shudder in disgust. Sometimes I can hardly believe that person was me, that I could give up so much of myself to another human being and be left with an empty shell. My friends and family tried to hold a mirror up to my face but I refused to see my reflection. When anyone tried to tell me how awful a man Mark was I'd simply reply, "but I love him." I know now that wasn't love, it was an addiction. People assume addictions can only be to drugs, alcohol, food, sex...but I'm here to tell you that is the farthest thing from the truth. I was addicted to this man because I believed he was treating me the way I deserved to be treated. It's not like I told myself on a daily basis, "you're trash, you deserve pain." But in my heart of hearts...I believed it to be true (and that's a whole other story of why). I wish I could say that I wised up and saw Mark for the monster that he was but that would be a lie. Mark grew tired of me and threw me by the wayside. He was such a selfish man that even when he decided he needed a new woman to break, he still kept a firm hold on those reins. I remember the lows after he left. I remember the pain like it was yesterday. I remember feeling that nothing would ever feel different than how it felt in those moments. And for a long time - nothing did.

So how did I escape? How did I manage to become the strong willed woman I am today? I hit rock bottom where I laid in my own self pity. No one came to pick me up. No one brushed the dirt from my face and told me I was worth something more. No one could do those things for me because I wouldn't let them. I honestly can't tell you how I escaped. It's almost as if I blocked out that journey back to myself...I know it's there somewhere in the recesses of my mind but at this moment, I can't recall the exact point in time that I realized I needed to change. Some say it's important to remember how you got somewhere...but I believe the more important discovery is that you realize where you are now. When I think about Mark now I realize it wasn't him that destroyed me, that was something I did all by myself. If I ever doubt that I must remember one of my favorite quotes: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Anna Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I feel deserving as I stand before you...half nekkid.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday HNT_1

19 Comments:

  1. Cromatica said...
    Wow. Thank you for sharing.
    Thank you very, vdery much.
    You are an amazing woman.

    And Eleanor Roosevelt was an amazing woman. I have her biography on my bookshelf!

    Have a fantastic day, lady.
    Cromatica said...
    Cromatica???
    That comment was FROM ME!!!!
    emerald eyes!!!
    WTF just happened????

    Bizzare!
    e.e. said...
    wow... Network Chic...you are NOT going to beleive this...!!
    It makes me nervous!!!

    I was just logged in as a completely diff't person! And I had access to ALL of that persons writings, dashboard...everything!
    WOW. I had to log out and back in again to get back to.. 'me'!
    Wow! Scaaaaaaaary!
    Alexis said...
    thank you for sharing such a powerful and honest story. You're telling one for me. Just different names and different time frame. I'm glad we both crawled, walked, ran, took the steps from where we were to where we are today. Happy HNT!!!
    Chuck said...
    Your post reminds me that there's something uniquely femanine to seek strength in a man. Unfortunately, it's often masquaraded as power, control, domination, intimidation and the like.
    ~TVS said...
    More revealing than most HNT posts. Thanks for sharing. It's amazing what we put up with sometimes.

    HHNT!
    kimmyk said...
    i'm glad to see you found your way out. eleanor was a wise woman....and so are you NWC.

    It sucky that we let men control us at times in our lives...i dont know how that happens. it happens alot...
    Hamrose said...
    It never fails to amaze me how we can get into things that are so bad for us.
    so crazy isn't it? Glad you have moved on.
    Tab said...
    You know sometimes I read your posts Net and I just want to send you a big hug and smile your way.
    Your fucking awesome.
    Thanks for sharing~
    ps.Your picture did not surprise me when it revealed such a lovely face,matches,your lovely spirit!
    DayByDay4-2Day said...
    Having gone through 16 years of letting my addict husband treat me bad it hurts me now to see that my daughter who is only 16 going with a guy who is totally controlling her. And your right anthing I say to her only makes her mad. I guess we women have to learn the hard way. Such sadness in my heart for her.
    Shannon said...
    I can relate with that story, my Mark was a Dave, and exactly the same thing, controling ridiculing mentally abusive... but that is an expierence in my life that I treasure most- WHY...??? because I WILL NEVER FORGET WHO I AM AGAIN! AND I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE CONTROL ME AGAIN... and that is a fact, thanks for reminding me. I am glad you escaped.
    TJ said...
    This was an amazing post to read, and very brave of you to give us a glimspe into some of your deepest spaces.

    And that quote is a great thing to remember through each day...
    Christine said...
    My Mark's name was/is Brad for 16 years. I got loose from those bonds 10 years ago.
    Thanks for sharing your story.
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    Thank you for sharing a very open and honest post that must of been hard to write.
    My Mark was my ex husband. Though he will always be part of our girls lives he was/is one of the most controling people I have ever met. Add that to the fact that he is still an active addict and alcoholic and well.......it was just the worst thing I've ever been through.
    Stay strong sista!
    I see you,
    JJ
    Just Some Gal said...
    Such a revealing and profound post NWC...

    Seriously, your posts make me fall in the sort of love I have for a sister/best friend. If I knew you in "real life" I'd hug you.
    Caterpillar said...
    You're absolutely amazing, NWC. To go through something so terrible, and to come out and somehow do a 180 to who you are now - so strong, so wise, so caring, so aware. I admire you in the absolute deepest sense.

    Alice is so lucky to have you for a mother!
    WDKY said...
    What an incredibly strong woman you are. Now, perhaps, but then the past is the past.

    You're very beautiful too, NWC, and I should remember to say "Happy HNT" x
    Grateful said...
    One day I will be as brave as you. Until then, thank you for blazing the path.
    NML said...
    Gosh, I felt like clapping, just to say I'm glad that no matter how you did it, you broke free. "I know now that when you are in that place where you think you deserve less than everyone else, you will find someone that completely agrees with you." - That's the best line you ever wrote and it also answers something that's I've been trying to verbalise. Thanks x

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