4/06/2006
Ten years ago I left my husband, not because he was bad - because I was. I wasn't bad in the sense that I did cruel things to him or anyone else, I was bad in the sense that I thought I wasn't good enough or nice enough to deserve a man that loved me so. He was a wonderful man, caring and sensitive and he loved me for all that I was and nothing that I wasn't. When I left him I got involved with someone I deemed more appropriate, a jealous, ego maniac, controlling man. I didn't really go in search of him, he just sort of found me. I know now that when you are in that place where you think you deserve less than everyone else, you will find someone that completely agrees with you. I hesitate to use his real name but honestly the man caused me so much grief that I feel I can't make any part of him make believe...not even his name. Mark was probably one of the worst mistakes I've ever made in my life. Before I met him most people considered me a strong woman, independent, willful, not the kind of person to let anyone control her but when I let Mark into my life - that changed. One thing I've learned about control is that just when you think you have the reins of your life gripped securely in your hands, it only takes one strong 'jerk' to pull them free. Mark controlled everything in my life. He once went through my closet and threw out all the clothes he classified as 'slutty'. He told me who I could talk to, who my friends could be, where I could go, what time I should go to bed, how to wear my hair, how often I could speak to my mother. I was never allowed to talk to another man without his permission and if he found out that I did, well then I was the biggest whore around. He had people follow me to make sure I wasn't disobeying his rules. It sounds crazy doesn't it? When I look back at those two years I let him control my life, I shudder in disgust. Sometimes I can hardly believe that person was me, that I could give up so much of myself to another human being and be left with an empty shell. My friends and family tried to hold a mirror up to my face but I refused to see my reflection. When anyone tried to tell me how awful a man Mark was I'd simply reply, "but I love him." I know now that wasn't love, it was an addiction. People assume addictions can only be to drugs, alcohol, food, sex...but I'm here to tell you that is the farthest thing from the truth. I was addicted to this man because I believed he was treating me the way I deserved to be treated. It's not like I told myself on a daily basis, "you're trash, you deserve pain." But in my heart of hearts...I believed it to be true (and that's a whole other story of why). I wish I could say that I wised up and saw Mark for the monster that he was but that would be a lie. Mark grew tired of me and threw me by the wayside. He was such a selfish man that even when he decided he needed a new woman to break, he still kept a firm hold on those reins. I remember the lows after he left. I remember the pain like it was yesterday. I remember feeling that nothing would ever feel different than how it felt in those moments. And for a long time - nothing did.
So how did I escape? How did I manage to become the strong willed woman I am today? I hit rock bottom where I laid in my own self pity. No one came to pick me up. No one brushed the dirt from my face and told me I was worth something more. No one could do those things for me because I wouldn't let them. I honestly can't tell you how I escaped. It's almost as if I blocked out that journey back to myself...I know it's there somewhere in the recesses of my mind but at this moment, I can't recall the exact point in time that I realized I needed to change. Some say it's important to remember how you got somewhere...but I believe the more important discovery is that you realize where you are now. When I think about Mark now I realize it wasn't him that destroyed me, that was something I did all by myself. If I ever doubt that I must remember one of my favorite quotes: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Anna Eleanor Roosevelt
Today, I feel deserving as I stand before you...half nekkid.
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday 
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Thank you very, vdery much.
You are an amazing woman.
And Eleanor Roosevelt was an amazing woman. I have her biography on my bookshelf!
Have a fantastic day, lady.
That comment was FROM ME!!!!
emerald eyes!!!
WTF just happened????
Bizzare!
It makes me nervous!!!
I was just logged in as a completely diff't person! And I had access to ALL of that persons writings, dashboard...everything!
WOW. I had to log out and back in again to get back to.. 'me'!
Wow! Scaaaaaaaary!
HHNT!
It sucky that we let men control us at times in our lives...i dont know how that happens. it happens alot...
so crazy isn't it? Glad you have moved on.
Your fucking awesome.
Thanks for sharing~
ps.Your picture did not surprise me when it revealed such a lovely face,matches,your lovely spirit!
And that quote is a great thing to remember through each day...
Thanks for sharing your story.
My Mark was my ex husband. Though he will always be part of our girls lives he was/is one of the most controling people I have ever met. Add that to the fact that he is still an active addict and alcoholic and well.......it was just the worst thing I've ever been through.
Stay strong sista!
I see you,
JJ
Seriously, your posts make me fall in the sort of love I have for a sister/best friend. If I knew you in "real life" I'd hug you.
Alice is so lucky to have you for a mother!
You're very beautiful too, NWC, and I should remember to say "Happy HNT" x