Some Words...

Thanks to everyone for their 'doggie prayers' yesterday. I really think they helped because when I went home yesterday Jake was walking...slowly but still under his own power. Hopefully he'll be back to semi-normal soon so we can get that first ACL surgery!

So over the weekend I went back to my hometown for Easter. It's the first time I've been back since my step dad was put in a nursing home so I was a little worried that my daughter would be confused as to why her 'Papa' wasn't there. Before we even got to my mom's driveway Alice started saying, "Papa's house," and my heart started to break. She's only two, too young to realize what's going on but old enough to realize how much she loves him. So we started trying to distract her by pointing out trees and birds and a park with slides (her favorite) but nothing worked. As soon as we pulled in the drive and got her out of her seat she ran up to the door saying, "Where's Papa." I think it was one of the first times in my life that I've actually been speechless. Luckily she saw Nana and soon forgot that Papa was nowhere in sight. On Easter my mom brought my step dad back from the nursing home to spend the day with us and as soon as he walked in the room Alice ran to him, "Papa where you been?" Kids are so darn innocent and life ruins that doesn't it? As I stood there watching Alice hug her Papa and her Papa's face light up at the sight of her I feared that too soon he wouldn't remember who she was. God I hope that I can teach Alice to remember enough for the both of them. It seems that on a daily basis I'm reminded how damn unfair life can be. I want to make life easier for Alice. I want her to feel less pain in her days of growing up than I did in mine. I want her life to be more fair. I know that's impossible isn't it?

When it was time for Papa to go back to his new home Alice cried, she hung on to his neck, she screamed, "I see you." I remembered JJ and how she's always telling us the same thing. It has taken me years to see people for what they are and still love them anyway. Alice is two and already she's figured it out, she sees Papa as the whole man he once was - not the fragmented version. I'm not scared anymore. When she finally let go of Papa's neck she kissed him on the cheek and whispered, "love me papa." Some day not too far off Papa may not remember Alice - but I know she'll remember enough for both of them.