4/19/2006

remember enough

Thanks to everyone for their 'doggie prayers' yesterday. I really think they helped because when I went home yesterday Jake was walking...slowly but still under his own power. Hopefully he'll be back to semi-normal soon so we can get that first ACL surgery!

So over the weekend I went back to my hometown for Easter. It's the first time I've been back since my step dad was put in a nursing home so I was a little worried that my daughter would be confused as to why her 'Papa' wasn't there. Before we even got to my mom's driveway Alice started saying, "Papa's house," and my heart started to break. She's only two, too young to realize what's going on but old enough to realize how much she loves him. So we started trying to distract her by pointing out trees and birds and a park with slides (her favorite) but nothing worked. As soon as we pulled in the drive and got her out of her seat she ran up to the door saying, "Where's Papa." I think it was one of the first times in my life that I've actually been speechless. Luckily she saw Nana and soon forgot that Papa was nowhere in sight. On Easter my mom brought my step dad back from the nursing home to spend the day with us and as soon as he walked in the room Alice ran to him, "Papa where you been?" Kids are so darn innocent and life ruins that doesn't it? As I stood there watching Alice hug her Papa and her Papa's face light up at the sight of her I feared that too soon he wouldn't remember who she was. God I hope that I can teach Alice to remember enough for the both of them. It seems that on a daily basis I'm reminded how damn unfair life can be. I want to make life easier for Alice. I want her to feel less pain in her days of growing up than I did in mine. I want her life to be more fair. I know that's impossible isn't it?

When it was time for Papa to go back to his new home Alice cried, she hung on to his neck, she screamed, "I see you." I remembered JJ and how she's always telling us the same thing. It has taken me years to see people for what they are and still love them anyway. Alice is two and already she's figured it out, she sees Papa as the whole man he once was - not the fragmented version. I'm not scared anymore. When she finally let go of Papa's neck she kissed him on the cheek and whispered, "love me papa." Some day not too far off Papa may not remember Alice - but I know she'll remember enough for both of them.

12 Comments:

  1. Christine said...
    I have no words---just tears.
    Thank you sweetie.
    Maui said...
    Life is Life.
    I did a post about this very topic, sorta. I need to add that the love of a child that we affected can be put into the "plus" column. No doubt.

    Maui
    Tab said...
    Leave it to kids to tug on those tender strings to our hearts.
    Caterpillar said...
    So sad and heartwarming at the same time. You are so obviously doing such a wonderful job at raising sweet little Alice!

    And I'm so happy to hear that Jacob Marley is doing a little bit better right now. I hope he keeps getting better and better!
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    I couldn't be more PROUD of your daughter and you.
    I see you,
    JJ
    Lex-Sunshine said...
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    Lex-Sunshine said...
    Heartbreakingly beautiful. I'm so happy for your doggie, continued prayers there. and so happy for your beautiful little girl, her perspective (which she learned from you!), her Papa and the love your family shares. Thank you for putting it out here for all of us. I see you too!
    Lex-Sunshine said...
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    kimmyk said...
    I'm glad to hear things are going better for your poochie!

    I wish we all could see through the eyes of a child. They see everything clearly without being clouded by "life".

    Bless her...
    WDKY said...
    Sad and beautiful, NWC... not unlike life itself, don't you think? I'm glad Jake is getting better, and sorry I was too tied up to visit for a day or so.
    AAwoken said...
    I have a yellow lab and can sympathize completely.
    AAwoken said...
    I have a yellow lab and can sympathize completely.

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