1/09/2008

When the mind is weak...

I've blogged about my step dad before; he has Alzheimer's. Of course he's worse than the last time I wrote about him, people with that disease don't get better. But his body, it's gotten stronger. It's like some cruel trick that life plays on you...as your mind gets weaker your body tries to make up for the difference by getting stronger. It's not fair really, because who wants to be healthy when you don't have the sense to enjoy it? Of course that actually describes a heck of a lot of people doesn't it? How often do we wake up and thank the heavens that we feel great? Usually the only time anyone in the heavens hears us is when we have something to complain about. But my step dad...he's so lost. His body wants to go one way and his mind another leaving him walking in circles trying to find some compromise between the two. I'm not sure there is a compromise, at least not for him. For us it's the small moments of recognition that flicker in his eyes. We hold on to those moments because they are all he has to offer. Sometimes it amazes me how little we're willing to accept to make us feel better about something we're surely losing. I have to wonder, what makes him feel better? Does he feel anything other than pain? Does he remember that he used to be whole? I want to believe that he doesn't because to me, remembering what you used to have is much worse than forgetting it.

2 Comments:

  1. kimmyk said...
    aww. i've been thinking of him and wondering how the holidays were and how he's doing and your mom.

    i hope he is still remembering your little girl...and they still share that special bond.

    such a horrible illness.
    NML said...
    I can't imagine what he or any of you are going through. How terribly sad. You have a very poignant way of describing things.

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