Some Words...

In life, there are many moments that change us. Some define us, some make us better or worse than we were before. Sometimes years pass before we realize that something is 'different' but sometimes the instant something happens we recognize the effect it has on our existence.

In my life I have changed many many times and once or twice I've made a desperate attempt to change back. I thought that in my 39 years of living I'd done all the changing that was required but 3 months ago when I brought Patrick into this world and then had to leave him at the hospital while I went back to an empty nursery, something in me - changed again. I was angry, at God, at my husband for not being able to understand my pain, at myself for somehow not being able to go just two weeks longer so Patrick would be full term. I've been angry before but never the kind of angry that consumes you until you feel so empty that a strong wind might blow you half way across the universe. I don't know if you've ever felt weightless before but it's not a good feeling. I felt like I was floating away and no matter how tightly those that loved me held on, I fought them. I remember my daughter sitting on my knee wiping tears off my cheek whispering, "mommy don't be sad." God gave me that angel to watch over me, and watch me she did. I never wanted her to see me sad but sadness was all I had left. It was the first time in my life that I felt completely out of control. The moment I walked out of that hospital without my son, I changed. The unwavering faith I'd always placed in God seemed to be faltering. For me, believing in God has always been what's gotten me through but now I felt completely alone.

Things turned out alright but even now with a healthy 3 month old little boy laughing and smiling at me, that part of me that changed is unable to change back. There is still a hesitation when I kneel down to say prayers at night with Alice that God is actually listening. I want to believe He is. I want to believe that He was listening all along and that even though I felt weightless as if I'd float away to parts unknown, I had an anchor holding me exactly where I was supposed to be.

Maybe what I need to do is look at these pictures every time I start doubting that some higher power is looking out for me.