Somewhere in there....

Sometimes in non-particular moments of the day I get flashes of what my life used to be like and for a split second I feel envy of that 'girl' I used to be. It isn't that I regret having children or getting married, it's that I have not been able to combine the best of both selves into one. I used to be more creative writing songs and playing the guitar but now there seems to be little time to do anything more creative than making a Halloween costume for my kids. Yes yes I know those are important things and there is some gratification when their eyes light up and they prance around in their costume 24/7 but gratification has taken on such a different form now days. I remember when being gratified came from a few hours of Guinness and some hot...well you know. It is so amazing how a lifetime whizzes past you in a blaze of Glory. Don't misunderstand me, I do have many moments of happiness and peace when I look at my children but sometimes it is so hard to be someone's everything when you feel the emptiness creeping up inside you. Sometimes I feel pathetic for how I feel which seemingly all stems from being unemployed and unable to convince someone that your talents extend beyond a stay-at-home mom. I used to be that 'girl' that wowed everyone because there were so few women in technology. Now I'm just that women that used to do something that used to be important but it's gotten lost in the layers of the crappy economy.

How the hell do you take the anger and release it? I've tried that whole 'push it down and bury it' method and trust me....it doesn't work. I should be able to figure this out, to be happy regardless of the circumstances, but it is always just out of reach. I have to be somewhere in there beneath the anger, outside of the resentment, and inside a glass house that shakes in fear of someone with a stone in their hand.

1 Comment:

  1. T - Another Geek Girl said...
    I can relate to this so much.

    I've been feeling this anticipation on and off recently. A strange feeling as if I'm suddenly waiting for things to move backwards, that the girl I used to be is just under the surface and almost ready to break through. Then I look in the mirror. It's like a splash of cold water. Where is she? I don't see her there at all.

    I think my only resolution is to re-make myself. To find some way to merge the girl I used to be with the woman I have become. It's a sticky solution, involving suede boots and lots of eyeliner. Balancing coolness with the need to not be ridiculous.

    So I'm moving a little at a time, and finding that there are many other Punk Rock Mommies out there who are searching just like me.

    Together we'll find our groove.
    I don't think we ever really lost it in the first place.


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