being selfish

Sometimes I remember how selfish I used to be, not on purpose, but out of shear ignorance. I used to be the center of my own universe and my days were solely about me. It sounds much worse than it was. I was single, no children, no boyfriend (at least not a serious one), and my life had no real meaning. I liked myself, sort of, but in actuality when I look back I'm not really sure there was much substance to it all. Once upon a time I planned on having children but then age and circumstance seem to push that 'plan' aside and I'd resolved myself to the fact that I'd never be a mom. Well fate had other plans for me, thank God! I still remember the night I found out I was pregnant and there wasn't one moment that I wished it wasn't true. My boyfriend (now husband) thought differently, he was 4 years younger than I and believe it or not...more selfish than I. I didn't care what he thought, I was going to be a mom and that in an instant changed everything. I'm not sure if it was my determination or my willingness to go it alone that brought him around, but by the time Alice was born he was as non-selfish as I was.
It still amazes me that someone can live their whole life centered around themselves and then in an instant their life becomes someone else's.

If I were younger, maybe I'd resent the fact that every moment of my day is about my children, but I'm not younger. Even in the moments when I'm tired and feel as if my head will explode if I hear 'mommy, mommy, mommy' one more time, I'm thankful. Thankful that I am not selfish. Thankful that I have someone else to live for. Thankful that someday my children will grow up and realize they are selfish....and then they'll decide not to be.


  1. kimmyk said...
    i look back over the course of being a mom lately because my children no longer come to me for silly things-they're pretty self sufficient anymore and honestly, i miss being needed.

    i have more time to myself but i still want to spend all my free time with them. i hope that never changes.

    people always talk about how they can't wait for their kids to grow up and get out of the house-i'm not like that...i think i'll be lost without them. oh i'm sure i'll find something to pass my days, but i think my purpose will be gone in some sort of sick twisted way if that makes sense.

    i use to spend my days (pre-mommy)consumed with my needs and my wants...now i have no idea anymore what that is...and that's okay. i'm sure it wasn't that important to begin with. at least not as important as they are to me.

    ya know?
    keda said...
    beautiful picture.

    i love that we can see when and how we became less self-centered and selfish. how quickly and easily it happened. how little we miss it.

    one of the most beautiful realisations of growth that we can go though.

    :) kisses honey.
    Lori said...
    Part of growing up is realizing that the world is bigger than us and that self absorption is a lonely place to be.

    Hearing you talk about your children and your husband - all whom I know you love with everything in you - it's hard to believe you were ever, "all about you".

    I, too, love being a mom and can't imagine life without children to love (though my 'babies' are now 19 and *almost* 17...)
    kimmyk said...
    Merry Christmas to you and your family!
    Lori said...
    I hope that you and your family had a wonderful and joyous Christmas. May your new year be filled with blessings...and peace for your heart.

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