Some Words...

KimmyK asked about my step father...thank you for remembering.

He is as well as can be expected. He's in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's but it's strange because he still remembers us. He can't remember how to tie his shoes or get dressed but when when Alice runs to him screaming "papa papa," his arms open wide to hold her as close as he can. Maybe him remembering us is God's way of retribution, at least for now. I am grateful he knows my name, grateful more that he remembers his love for my mom. I can't imagine how hard it would be to watch someone you devoted your life to, forget you.

The value of one's life really can't be measured by the number of moments that happened in your life. The value of one's life is measured by the moments you can remember.

For so much of my life I've dreaded silence. I remember trying to fill up the moments in my life with noise so that the silence never trapped me in a world with no escape. Noise came in many forms, men who were never good enough to keep my company, drugs or alcohol that filled my head with so much garbage there was no chance of a quiet moment, and many many conversations with myself just because the sound of a voice - even if it was my own, was better than no sound at all.

This morning I came to work early, 7:00 a.m. to be exact, and as I sat down to turn on my computer I realized that something was different; I couldn't hear anything. It wasn't that I was deaf or that I wasn't listening, it was that I was surrounded by silence. For a moment I wasn't sure how I felt about that silence. To be honest, silence is something I rarely have a chance to experience so when it was there, staring me in the face, I sort of froze. I let it wrap around me and sink into my bones and you know what? It felt wonderful. I could hear my heart beat and even though I know I'm alive...I have forgotten to feel that thump in my chest to verify its existence.

It's amazing how many things you can hear when the world is silent. Maybe all this time that I've been filling up my moments with noise I should have been putting my ear plugs in.

I've been away for so long, willingly some of the time - not so willingly the other. Time has flown by since the birth of Patrick, he's already 9 months old, but it's always amazed me how sometimes when the rest of life is flying by - parts of it remain still. I suppose it's like taking a picture of yourself, one that shows off your best angle; you tuck it away in a hidden drawer so that sometime down the road you can take it out and remember how one time, you liked yourself. It's not that I don't like the me that's here now, it's that there are parts I liked better before. Ah...anyway, such is life right? Maybe that's why I stayed away from blogging for so long, so I could somehow find that part of myself that makes me grateful that I'm in this skin.

So...while I was away I bought a new house which is pretty much why I've had no time. It was such a big change moving from the city back to the country (well not exactly country but after you live in Chicago anything outside of it is country). I actually have a yard now and we can see stars every night. I never really imagined how awful it could be not to see stars. We take them for granted ya know, but trust me, when they are invisible - you miss them.

I guess I'm back and although I've been meaning to come back for some time, Keda made it real for me. You know...I've really missed this place and all of you.

I'll be back tomorrow. I promise.