to keep me safe...

Over the years I have collected many things that I thought would keep me safe, some tangible, some that are not. When I was a kid I kept a shoe box stashed in the back of my closet filled with things that 'meant' something to me, things that made me feel safe when I touched them or held them in my hands. When I was scared or upset I'd hide in my closet and take each treasure from the box and hold it close to my chest as if it's existence could transport me to another moment. God, when I think how simple it was to feel safe back then it makes me envious of children. As I grew older the things I collected to make me feel safe no longer fit inside a shoe box, most were still hidden but no longer could they be discovered by opening a closet door. You learn to bury your treasures much deeper beneath layers of brick and mortar so that they cannot be accidentally discovered which immediately nullifies their ability to keep you safe. And then one day something happens. You wake up and you feel that old familiar need to feel safe again so you reach down deep inside yourself and search for just the right tool to make it all better but as you roll it around in your hands and hold it to your chest you are not transported to another moment, and still you do not feel safe. You turn the light on to examine it more closely only to discover that your hands are empty. And now you are left to handle this alone. Sometimes being alone is the scariest thing in the world but sometimes, it's what saves you.

There have been moments lately that I have felt overwhelmed and that scares the hell out of me. I'm used to being in control and when I'm not, I pull out those 'tools' that make me feel safe enough until the moment passes. The old tools don't work any longer, either because I've changed or they never really existed. I didn't think I really had anything else to learn but apparently I was wrong. Right now in this moment I'm searching for something to make me feel safe again. Maybe I'm just not looking in the right closet.


  1. kimmyk said...
    Having a new shiny baby and I'm sure a horrible sleep schedule is overwhelming.

    Y'know I find comfort in being alone. I welcome it. It gives me time to remember what it is that I'm suppose to be doing.

    How's your new lovely? How's Alice doin' with her big brother???
    Today is the first day I've been able to load "Some Words" and it didn't kick me out of Firefox. Interesting.
    Trudging said...
    I had a drawer like that when I was a little girl. God is the only thing that really makes me feel safe now.

    How is the little guy. I hope that all is well.
    ~TVS said...
    Control is an illusion.
    Caterpillar said...
    I remember those little safe treasures, too. I wish it were still so easy to see feel safe and as if everything will be okay - just by being able to hold onto a treasure.

    I hope little Patrick is doing wonderfully and that Alice loves being a big sister!
    e.e. said...
    I miss you!
    Gwen said...
    God baby! God is always with you to help you feel safe. Hand in~

    Anonymous said...
    I am no expert, all your comments are great and many touch on faith. Being a man with faith too, I often think of how we explain to those who ask why we believe. My answer to in a comment is not an answer at all it is theme that takes many of us at a certain age. Whether we call it a closet, a box, a treasurer chest, what it holds is what we hold on to during those days.

    My theme is 'a box without a home' It is about growing out of our parents home, our old room is gone, our box of memories is moved around, kicked around, broken down, and mainly forgotten till need calls.

    Need is a desire to be connected, to be loved, to remember who we are, where we came from, and am I a product of my memories, or they a product of my life?

    Balance between the photo in the back of the desk you clean out that knocks you back into the chair, and the blessings of today that are greater than all memories, because life and love are right there in the people you loves eyes.
    Da Gal said...
    Hello there NWC - it's been a long time since I've come around. I hope that you have found the safe spot that you've been looking for and that you are doing well.

    I'm thinking about you and sending warm wishes your way.

    lushgurl said...
    I have struggled with finding a safe place throughou my life. When I was little I would cuddle a stuffed monkey, he knew all of my secrets and I never felt alone with him in my arms.

    Today I place myself in GOD"S loving arms, I never feel safer or more at peace when I can turn myself over to HIM!
    lushgurl said...
    I have struggled with finding a safe place throughou my life. When I was little I would cuddle a stuffed monkey, he knew all of my secrets and I never felt alone with him in my arms.

    Today I place myself in GOD"S loving arms, I never feel safer or more at peace when I can turn myself over to HIM!
    Lori said...
    I hope that by now you have found that place where you feel safe and content. Though the world really is very small, there are times when it seems far too big.

    Congratulations on your beautiful little boy. My daughter and son have brought me so much joy - I see a whole world of it ahead for you as well.

    I've missed coming here...
    Gwen said...
    Happy Valentines Day Chicky~
    MICKY said...
    About 3 years ago I dropped into a black hole – four months of absolute terror. I wanted to end my life, but somehow [Holy Spirit], I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital. I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell. I imagine I was going through some sort of metamorphosis [mental, physical & spiritual]. I had been seeing a therapist [1994] on a regular basis, up until this point in time. I actually thought I would be locked away – but the hospital staff was very supportive [I had no control over my process]. I was released from hospital 16th September 2004, but my fear, pain & shame had only subsided a little. I remember this particular morning waking up [home] & my process would start up again [fear, pain, & shame]. No one could help me, not even my therapist [I was terrified]. I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins. Slowly, all my fear has dissipated & I believe Jesus delivered me from my “psychological prison.” I am a practicing Catholic & the Holy Spirit is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing. I deserve to go to hell for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities. John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically. He’s a real person who is with me all the time. I have so much joy & peace in my life, today, after a childhood spent in orphanages . God LOVES me so much. Fear, pain, & shame, are no longer my constant companions. I just wanted to share my experience with you [Luke 8: 16 – 17].

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