12/21/2006



Two weeks ago today at 5:22 p.m. I had a son, Patrick Charles. I had a plan, a schedule, I knew how things would go - but somehow God forgot to follow my lead. I was supposed to have Patrick on Friday 12/08 but after my amnio I started having contractions and they decided it would be best to perform a C section since the baby was laying transverse (sideways) in the womb. His lungs were not quite mature but they assured me he'd just need a little oxygen and he'd be fine. So at 4:15 they wheeled me into the OR and within ten minutes they were cutting me open. Patrick was a bit stubborn, he was big and didn't come out easily but after a bit of 'tugging' they pulled him into this world. I heard him cry and my heart most certainly skipped a beat. As quickly as they took him from my belly, the whisked him away to check him out. I could hear the doctors talking, something seemed wrong but no one spoke to me or my husband. Finally one of the doctors went to the Neonatal doctor and said, "mom is getting worried, can you fill her in?" Finally the Neo doc came over and told me Patrick needed oxygen and that based on his first assessment the baby was premature at 34 weeks. Then he left. I laid there stunned because I knew I was 38 weeks and 5 ultrasounds confirmed this. Patrick was 8 lbs. 8 oz., how could a premie weigh that much? They let me see him for all of 20 seconds before they took him away to the NICU. As I lay there trying to burn the image of my son into my memory from 20 seconds I actually got to see his face, I felt helpless. What happened after that is somewhat a blur because most of my moments were spent longing to hold my son, a son that had been taken away from me in an instant.

It took 5 hours for a doctor to give me an update, Patrick was on a breathing tube. He was breathing on his own but he needed some extra help inflating his lungs. Finally at 10:30 p.m. I demanded my nurse take me to see my son. Everyone had seen him except me. My husband took some video but can you imagine how much that hurts carrying a baby for so long and when he finally arrives you have to see his first moments of life on a camera? My reluctant nurse wheeled me into the nursery where I caught the first real glimpse of my sweet baby boy. He was the one that looked helpless as he lay there with tubes up his nose. I cried for him, for the first harsh moments this world had to offer him, for the mother he knew he had yet couldn't touch. I cried for him and I cried for me.

Every day after Patrick got better but not fast enough for him to go home with me when I left the hospital. As my husband wheeled me through the exit doors of the hospital tears streamed down my face. I was broken. I entered that hospital 4 days earlier with a child inside of me and now I was leaving the same place, with a hole where a child once was. I've been broken before but never in my life have I felt the pain, the loss, the anger...that I did at that moment. I was angry at God because I couldn't understand how he felt justified in keeping my child from me. I know that I should have considered myself lucky because Patrick would be better soon and many children lay in that NICU with much less hope of survival. But I was selfish, I wanted my child with me, in my arms, in my home, within my reach.

When Patrick was born he cried so hard that his little lungs sprung a leak. Air got trapped between the cavity and his lung so when he breathed his little lung could expand all the way. With the oxygen and flow they gave him it forced the air out so his lungs could expand like they were supposed to. There are not lasting effects, he's healthy now. Nine days after Patrick was born he got to come home. As I walked through the door of my house with Patrick in my arms, I became whole again.

Life can break you. Love can make you whole.

I'll try to write as often as I can but if I miss you before Christmas...Have a wonderful holiday.

20 Comments:

  1. Lance said...
    Congraulations and God Bless your child.
    Michelle said...
    He is beautiful!! Just one more thing to make the holiday season this year all the more special.
    Congratulations to you and your family.
    CeeCi said...
    You and your hubby make very pretty children! He's adorable. Congratulations and Happy Holidays! Is Alice in love with her new brother? I can only imagine her wonder at meeting him and touching him for the first time. It must have been a joy to watch!

    **Big Hugs**
    ♥ CeeCi
    kimmyk said...
    I can smell 'em from here. Baby's have that certain special smell when they're all shiny and new. How precious!

    I'm glad to hear he's doing well and home.

    Merry Christmas to you and your family!

    You are truly blessed...
    Rex said...
    What a wondeful story of heartbreak ending with love. You are very blessed. Congrats and give little (not so little when he was born) Patrick and extra hug for me. Wishing you a wonderful and blessed holiday.
    TJ said...
    Merry Christmas, and congratulations on such a beautiful baby boy.

    What a wonderful blessing--may he continue to grow stronger and healthier with each passing day.
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    Stubborn..hmmmm...just like his cyber God mom. Thank you so much for sharing NWC. I cried! A good cry. I am so happy for you and your family. How is big sis? Does she like having Patrick around? Congratulations! Honestly I don't know what to say except....thank you.
    JJ
    Trudging said...
    My Sam was in the NICU for 9 days too. Longest 9 days of my life. Your post reminded me of how hard that time was for us. Thank goodness for the program and the God of my understanding.

    By the way, he is prefect...enjoy.
    e.e. said...
    I am so glad everything is well right now... I send you the good wishes and happy moments.
    He's beautiful....
    simply beautiful.
    e.e.
    lash505 said...
    congrads he is a sweetheart..what a gift.
    Lex-Sunshine said...
    How wonderful!!! I'm glad you and yours were home and safe for Christmas! God bless you all in the New Year!!
    NML said...
    Jaysus you had me blubbing whilst I was reading this. Merry Christmas and congratulations. He's beautiful x
    ~TVS said...
    I'm glad you are both well and home together now. Enjoy a wonderful new year.
    Gwen said...
    Patrick is beautiful! My nephews name is Patrick as well. What a gift.

    I am soooo soooo glad you are both OK. It is nice to see and hear good news. Looking forward to seeing many beautiful pics in 2007. A great way to start the new year.

    Love and friendship,
    Gwen~
    Shannon said...
    teary eyed, I am so glad it is over and he is home now. I am sorry you all went through that.
    Congrats, and he is beautiful.
    what does Alice think of her baby brother? I bet she is in love too
    dont worry about writting, I think we can all relate
    you your husband Alice and Patrick are all in my prayers. Have a great weekend and catch up soon.
    HUGS
    Lance said...
    The first post that I read of yours months ago was of you cleaning out a desk and finding something from your past hidden in the dark behind the life on the top.

    I am so happy for you to have so much more today. God Bless.
    AAwoken said...
    I am so sorry I missed this.....I was caught up in the drama of my family and in-laws staying at my house for the last three weeks.


    Beautiful son. Congratulations. Peace be with you and God bless.
    keda said...
    oooooh he's absolutely gorgeous! well done you.

    i'm sorry it was such a difficult beginning sweetness. but very glad to hear all is well now. i had been wondering.

    congratulations darling. so very very beautiful :)
    Trudging said...
    I hope all is still going well with you.
    Da Gal said...
    what an absolutely beautiful little boy! I hope that he is getting stronger each day. Lots of love to you and the family.

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