12/05/2006

in my life...

In my life I have done many things. Some have scared the hell out of me, some have filled me with regret, some have changed me, and some have caused me to remain the same. Some were premeditated, some were on impulse, some I remember, some I still try to forget. Some things took courage, some were because I was a coward, some taught me lessons while others struck me dumb. Some things that I have done can never be taken back even though I've tried many many times. Some things I wish I could do over - but differently, some things I hope I never have to do again.

Friday I am going to have a baby.

When I look back on my life I realize that there are few moments that I remember being scared. I'm sure they exist but I've either blocked them from my memory or they have become so insignificant that they've blended into the woodwork of my life. When I had my first child I was petrified, not of the pain of childbirth but of the reality that followed. When you have a child you bring this tiny human being into the world that depends on you for everything. There were so many times I could barely depend on myself and the thought of someone else needing me for everything was the scariest thing I'd ever imagined. And then they laid her in my arms I was not afraid any longer. It's amazing how fear can disappear with one breath of your child's scent. How you can look into eyes that reflect your own and see only goodness and hope. Children are the chances we thought we never deserved.

On Friday I'm going to bring another life into this world. Am I scared? Yes. Not of the pain that comes from someone cutting your stomach open rather the pain of knowing that someday you will surely let this little being down. I've never been so afraid of failing. But I know that when I see his face or feel his skin on mine, fear will dissipate. Of course I'll fail but many more times I will succeed at teaching my sweet babies how to be compassionate and truthful and hopeful and loving. I'll teach them how to only be afraid of the chances they throw away, not the ones they take.

Once I thought my heart could never have enough room to love someone else, and then I met Alice. Once I thought loving one child took everything I had inside of me and then I felt Patrick's tiny hands brush the inside of my heart and suddenly I had more room then I ever dreamed of.

In my life I have done many things. Some change you and some remind you of who you were always capable of being.

20 Comments:

  1. e.e. said...
    I wish you the best of luck, and, early congratulations.
    I can't figure out what more to say other than I am sure everything will be fine, and, that I am sending you my sincere warmest wishes.
    Southern Sweetheart said...
    What a beautiful way to welcome in the birth of your son. I wish you many congratulations and best wishes for a healthy happy baby and mom.
    keda said...
    "and then I felt Patrick's tiny hands brush the inside of my heart and suddenly I had more room then I ever dreamed of."

    beautiful.


    wow 9 months already. amazing.
    well done you.
    best wishes for friday babe.
    Tab said...
    ((big sighs))You always warm my heart with yours Network Chick.
    You can never fail.Ever.
    We all live and learn and in my opinion those are the very best of human beings AND parents.
    I wish you all the best in your bring little Patty Cakes in to the world.
    Give Alice a big hug of congrats too as she will soon be a big sister.
    Sending you all the best...be sure to let JJ know so she can wait outside the O.R. smoking cigarettes and flirting with the doctors..lol
    seriously though..all the best Net:)
    Love Tab xo
    AAwoken said...
    Just frikin' beautiful.....

    All will be well. I can totally relate to the total fear thing. However, God only gives us what we can handle.....All will be as it should be.
    Trudging said...
    Geez, I had no idea! That is wonderful. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    NML said...
    You do write beautiful posts. Congrats and good luck on Friday and thanks for the lovely comment. I have a few more months to go before I pop :-)
    lash505 said...
    Congrads, that is so cool. I have three boys 5,7,10 and they are my world. It is scary no doubt, but they are gifts from god and they give us a reason to love.
    CeeCi said...
    "Some change you and some remind you of who you were always capable of being." Awesome!

    Wow, the next time we hear from you, you won't be pregnant.

    Happy Birthday, Patrick!

    **Big Hugs**
    ♥ CeeCi
    ~TVS said...
    Beautiful post. Can't wait for the beautiful arrival.
    Caterpillar said...
    Oh NWC, this was such a beautiful post and I'm so excited for you - you'll be meeting your little Patrick in just a few hours!!! I'm saying a prayer that everything goes well, and I'm just so so so so so happy for you and your family!!

    And welcome to the world, sweet Patrick! :)
    Trudging said...
    Its Friday and I am praying for you.
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    You are BEAUTIFUL! My cyber Godchild is BEAUTIFUL. Awaiting a full report. After all I need to buy a gift.
    Sending tons of love your way.
    JJ
    Gwen said...
    Can not wait to see pics ~ hopefully. God bless you and your family.

    Much Love,
    GwenR
    keda said...
    i hope all is well baby!

    much love and hugs to all your beautiful family.
    e.e. said...
    It's Monday and we are waiting and hoping!

    HUGS!
    Sky said...
    Wow, has it been 9 months already? Time sure does pass by quickly. Well I see I missed Friday so anxiously awaiting news!

    Congratulations!
    NMAMFQLMSH said...
    I know you are busy but I do think the cyber Godmother needs a picture or two.
    JJ
    Lori said...
    I've missed reading here so much and know I'll be back someday.

    I wish you so much joy as your new little boy comes into your life and heart. I have a daughter and a son also...my 'little' girl is the older of the two, and the greatest gift that I have ever given either of them is each other. They are the best of friends and together we are a joy-filled family. Many blessings to you all!
    Tab said...
    {{Merry Christmas Network Chick}}

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